Should I Stay With My Boyfriend? What About My Family?

April 9, 2010 in Dating - Courtship | No comments

Question: “I’ve been dating a guy for three months now; after we had been friends for about five months. It’s kind of been a weird situation because I haven’t brought him around my house very much. Reason being, he’s inactive in the church, a different race, and not the perfect person my parents want me to bring home. He doesn’t have any other wrong things with him except he doesn’t have a career going yet, he still has some schooling to get done. He’s 20, and my parents worry that he isn’t going to be able to support me, keep me faithful, and we will clash from the different ethnic backgrounds. Sometimes it really scares me too because they all seem like legit worries. I’m not worried about his career because I know he’s a hard worker and has a lot of ambition. I’ve freaked out on him a couple of times already and broken up with him twice. I’ve realized that I’m so much in love with him that I feel terrible without him each time and like something is torn away from me. I always want to be with him, even when I know he’s not perfect but I don’t feel like anyone is perfect. I know since I’ve been with him he’s changed from me and become a better person. He will do anything I want him to. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m going to regret everything if we do something drastic, like get married. I feel like we’ll be fighting about religion for the rest of our lives and that seems so upsetting to me. I feel like I’m compromising too much of the way I lead my life, and want to lead my life in the future if I stay with him. But then I think sometimes change is good. I’m worried that if I tell him I have to get married in the temple, therefore we can’t be together, and we break up, I’ll always be missing him and he will be the love of my life that I never got to be with. I’ll be comparing him to every guy I meet. I already go to a therapist right now and she thinks that he’s already been baptized and he’s just inactive, but if he says he’ll go to church with me (the man should always do what the woman wants, religion wise, if he has no other religion he believes in). He says he’d go to church with me. He has no problem doing that. And keeping the sabbath day holy, paying tithing. But he would also want to teach his kids discipline, so he would teach them that drinking is ok, as long as you do it smartly. He doesn’t believe in God and he will not get married in the temple because you have to believe in the church in order to be able to. Basically my therapist thinks I’m worrying and that it’ll all turn out ok, he’s willing to do anything for me because he loves me. I feel really confused and upset. I need other opinions and advice of what to do. What do you think?”

Answer: I am glad you wrote in with your question. It appears that you have a myriad of feelings related to your boyfriend and that you are internally pretty conflicted as to what you should do in terms of the relationship with him. I’ll cover a few points that were apparent in your question that I feel are key for you to understand.

I’d first consider what your parents think of him. How much do you care about what they think? If you really feel their sanction and support is key you might be in for a long haul with him if they are less than supportive of him. That being said, I feel you should do what you want, not what others want or decide to do things to keep your parents happy. You are an adult and the choices you make are yours. Don’t be a slave to their perceptions, if in fact it is true love you’ll regret you fell victim to their thoughts and didn’t follow your heart in staying with him.

You mention religion and spirituality. You speak about your wanting to have a unified relationship but that you are both split on spiritual matters. This likely will become a major concern in later years, especially with kids. His attending church and being a passive participant will likely not last in terms of your hopes for a temple marriage. If you feel he is not or will not marry you in the temple, how much are you willing to risk or wait? If not and you are set on marrying in the temple and you feel he’ll leave you or break up with you if that is your hope then why are you still with him? Again, it’d be helpful for you to make a list of your priorities in rank order of what is most important to you and then gather your thoughts on what you are willing to compromise on and what you won’t. This spirituality issue seems to be a large on that you may not compromise on and if that is the case, I do not recommend marrying him with hopes he’ll come around to what you want. Statistics show and scores of couples I work with indicate that spiritual compliance early on is typical but doesn’t last as living the gospel takes work, time, and internal commitment … his going to please you won’t last so don’t count on his changing on your account.

It is clear that you are internally conflicted about whether to stay or go with him. You said, “I feel like I’m compromising too much of the way I lead my life” and my thought is if you are in fact compromising too much then why are you still with him. Your yielding too much of your core beliefs and values can create a foundation for conflict and tension that is starting now in courtship can grow into a heated distant marriage in the future. Later in your post you said, “I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m going to regret everything if we do something drastic” I’d follow your heart. You have the capacity to know what works for you and what makes you feel fulfilled and happy. I would not enter into a marriage with trepidation and doubt since jobs, children, etc bring on stresses that test even the best marriages and if you are having serious doubts I would caution you to seriously think through what you really want.

Does he have the characteristics of the man you want to marry and be with here and in eternity? If not what does he have that you value and that you want as a part of the relationship? Clearly you care about him very much and have developed an attachment, based on your verbiage above about your wanting to be with him much of the time. My concern is in your statement, ‘I always want to be with him, even when I know he’s not perfect but I don’t feel like anyone is perfect.’ Yes, nobody is perfect but if he is a good or great person that does not espouse the core attributes and beliefs you feel are key for your future and relationship then I would caution you about subjugating your core beliefs with hope that things will get better as he has his beliefs and they are as real to him as yours are to you and he is entitled to those.

My counsel for you would be to do some writing, make a list of the most significant priorities to you in rank order from most important to least important. Don’t think about the relationship, the attachment, about loving or hurting him, etc. just simply iron out independent of him or others you may date what is key for you. Then make the non-negotiable with the negotiable. Once you have some clarity with what you want stick to that. Marriage is far to wonderful and far to complicated at times to enter into with doubts and concerns like you have raised.

I’d suggest you both take the professional assessment called Relate, something I recommend to couples that are not married but want to flush out what is right for them and the relationship. I’d also recommend your continuing to pray and seek a confirmation. This was developed by therapists at BYU some time ago and has developed into its own institute.

You’re on the right path. Glad you wrote in. Study it out, get some therapeutic guidance, stick to your principles, then make a decision of a direction and don’t look back. Prayer and guidance here is key to your knowing God’s will and hope for you in your journey.

I’d recommend these two articles at links below.

The Voice of the Lord – Gerald N. Lund

Receiving Revelation – Doctrine and Covenants Student Manual

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Verbally Abusive Husband, Give Me Some Guidance

April 2, 2010 in Emotional Abuse | No comments

Question:  “I have to give you some background to help you understand the dynamics of our home. My husband ‘Joe’ was married previously for 9 yrs (in the temple) he had 2 daughters, his wife had an affair and married the man she had the affair with. I was married previously (out of the church) and had 3 children. ’Joe’ has ALWAYS done EVERYTHING he was supposed to, never drank, smoked or did drugs… did not date while waiting for the divorce to be final, has never done anything wrong. I on the other hand grew up in a different world my parents separated when I was 14 and I went downhill from there. I married outside the temple and have the scars to prove it.  I divorced him shortly after 4 years of on again off again unhealthy married life (he had a plethora of affairs and did drugs regularly.) I was a single mom for 5 years.  After a very long repentance process and some humbling experiences I finally was privileged enough to take out my endowments.

‘Joe’ and I met on a website for LDS singles and married VERY quickly after. We joke now that it was Heavenly Father’s way of getting us married because neither one of us would have stayed in it if we didn’t do it so quickly.  We were content where we were in our own lives and very independent.

I moved my children away from everything I knew and everyone I knew and moved in with him.  I wouldn’t have and still won’t ask him to ever leave his girls so the choice was easy I had to come here.  In the almost 4 years of our marriage we have been through quite a few things;

A miscarriage, My brother committing suicide (the only person in my family that has passed away), Our Sealing, Our son’s birth, His oldest daughter not wanting to come to our home for 9 months , ‘Joe’ was involved in a shooting, Sealing my children to ‘Joe’ and I, our second son’s birth

‘Joe’ is a police officer and is the physical and mental epitome of the word. He is VERY strict and very particular about the way things are done.  He can find something wrong in just about everything.  He belittles all of us, on a daily basis, in little ways like constantly correcting myself or the children.  We can’t do anything right and it’s very exhausting. I am trying very hard to “please” him but it’s impossible.  I believe he is very insecure because he was raised with the same “verbally abusive” upbringing.  He still allows his father to “abuse” him and has told me it would be nice to have someone (meaning me) stick up for him.  I may be way off base here but I don’t think my defending him is going to help him (I think he needs to stick up for himself and confront his father). I allowed myself to change to his “world” which I know was my own mistake and I am working hard to get ME back.  I started listening to the music I loved before we were married and he told me country was all that we listen to around here, the rest is crap.
He informed me that his ex started listening to different music right before she had an affair.
I know that I shouldn’t have and I feel as though I completely betrayed him but I called her to ask her if the “affair” was the reason she changed her music.  She told me absolutely not and that she was sick of doing what she was “told” to do. She described him perfectly which scares me, because I thought he was making some progress and lo and behold he is no different then when he was married before. He is very self-centered, but if I try to tell him what needs I have and he tells me I’m too needy, and how can he be selfish when he works so much for this family. He hunts and come heck or highwater he makes sure he is out there in the woods every chance he gets.  I try to kiss him/greet him when he walks through the door and he gets angry, so I have stopped, even greeting him. We all hold our breath when he walks in to hear the list of things that are wrong. No hello, hi or anything of the sort just a bunch of why is this there and that here and did you do this. This is what he says on a daily basis to my 8yr old…..” why are you talking no one wants to hear what you have to say, I know ‘Fred’ you think what you have to say is so much more important than anyone else. You think you are as important as the adults. You’re a rude little boy….no tell me what did you need to say that was soooo important you had to talk right then” We are still intimate because I allow him to treat us all like crap and still I deliver sexually, hoping it will make him a little less mean. My needs are NEVER met nor are they even asked about. To be honest that isn’t even a care in my mind. He claims he is the ‘happiest he has ever been’ and that scares me because if this is happiness I would hate to see unhappy. I tell him all the time “you’re safe with me” thinking that maybe he’s this way because he’s worried I will leave. I need to know that my feelings/thoughts/ideas matter and are important to him.  He intimidates our children so much so that they won’t even look up anymore.  I have watched them go from vibrate, respectful, responsible, smart children to having to ask permission before they make the simplest of decisions. They are all struggling in school. ‘Fred’ gets the worst of it, he is the one with ‘Joe’s' personality so he is the one he picks on the most.  The other day my husband said/yelled to me that I need to call my mom (whom ‘Joe’ has never been respectful to) and see if ‘Fred’ can live there because he can’t take him anymore.  I will admit I turned into a very ugly person at that point because I can’t even imagine what that did to my 8yr olds little spirit.  I took him to school and then when I got home my husband said I needed to go get him he shouldn’t be at school after witnessing that huge blowup between us. So I went to get him, he begged me to let him stay at school, I promised him Dad wouldn’t fuss at him anymore and my little boy said he would rather be there then at home.. I cried all the way back home and then let my husband have it.  I told him he could leave if he couldn’t handle ‘Fred’ anymore, I made it VERY clear he was to NEVER say something that stupid again.

My 12 yr old son told me the other day to just let Dad yell/fuss at him to not step in between them because he can handle it and he doesn’t want him yelling at me.

What do I do when I know there is a good man in there somewhere a priesthood holder, a father, a leader but for whatever reason he doesn’t believe he deserves to be happy.  I truly believe that the past is just repeating itself.  How long do you give someone to change before you have to walk away?   Some moments are good and some moments are indescribable.  Why does this world not understand that VERBAL abuse is just as bad as PHYSICAL abuse?  Why do all the Dr’s ask if you are being physically abused at home why doesn’t anyone ask if you are being belittled and bullied?  He doesn’t believe that what he is doing is abusive because he doesn’t call us names, but how do you tell someone that when you are constantly standing over someone correcting each thing they do that that is abusive. His tone is so mean and scary.  I know in this paragraph I can’t give you the enormity of the situation I just hope you can give me some hope for the future.  We have 2 boys together and  I don’t want to give up on him since it’s seems to me he is expecting everyone to.  Since when we fight his response is always “I know, I can’t do anything right.”

I don’t even respond when we argue anymore because he does the tit for tat type of arguing and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to talk to him about anything. I am afraid if I divorce him he will then have my boys, who are only toddler and infant age now, to verbally abuse without me there to protect them.  What do I do now? I am not looking for a pity party at all, I just don’t know when enough is enough. Please help…

P.S. We did try counseling; he said it was a waste of time. Just to get him to go those 4 times I had to threaten divorce, and yes I’ve talked to my Bishop, that didn’t help at all.”

Answer: I appreciate all the detail. It appears that both of you have a long history, a history of hurt and trauma per the marriages and divorces and events that have complicated each of your growth and marriage. I can tell that you are living in survival mode, a mode of day to day living that means protecting your children from critical statements and abuses by your husband and trying to keep the peace. It appears from the information you shared that you are in a place of hurt and pain as you have been unable with a conversation with your Bishop and doing some counseling (which was shallow at best as his buy-in was likely about zero) to make things shift in your family.

I have a few thoughts for you in terms of how to proceed from here forward. You mentioned, “He can find something wrong in just about everything.  He belittles all of us, on a daily basis, in little ways like constantly …” and I am wondering what it is that you do during this time. Do you hunker down and hope it goes over, do you take him aside and give him feedback, do you blow up and demand he be kinder to the children? My guess from the narrative above is that you try to weather his ‘storm’ and then comfort the children. My feedback for you is to pull him aside and no subjugate your will to his but to instead assert yourself and tell him how hurt you are when he speaks to critically to them. Don’t landblast him for his tone (he’ll resist you) at first but instead share how he is hurting you. He’ll likely not listen as he appears to be quite narcissistic and in denial as to his levels of emotional toxicity.  I’d read up on emotional abuse in this article, here is the link http://bit.ly/98KZGW and better acclimate yourself as to the nature of this kind of abuse that is so pervasive in your family per your husband’s issues.

Also, I suggest you start working through some Self work. Meaning your learning and getting a grasp on who you are and why you find it difficult to stand up for yourself. I can imagine that it must be hard to deal with him. The change must begin with you. Having some assertiveness training and work on redefining who you are and what you deserve is key. You are not causing your husband to mistreat you or your children. That being said, you may be influencing the pattern he is in by tolerating his abuses. From your post it sounds like you are in a lot of pain and are trying to make it smoother for the children. Your understanding boundaries and grasping how assertiveness and healthy understanding of your own personal boundaries, where you end and where he begins. I’ll email you articles on both of these topics that help you firm up your core Self to then better deal with and ultimately confront your husband.

Don’t give up. Your children need and are counting on you. Your husband is clearly in denial about his behavior. Likely he has his own hurts and is coping and engaging with the children and you as a reactionary measure with those hurts and has become stuck in a rut of abusive behavior. I am sorry to hear that the counseling did not work. He clearly was not invested and counseling fails miserably if the client is not willing to work. I might add, you can make large changes by getting involved in counseling yourself with or without him. Your strengthening your own emotional spine and getting some clarity will help you then interrupt the patterns in the home that he authors. Also, your making changes in yourself will influence (not cause) him to make small changes. In order for change to occur for him he’ll need to first get out of denial and realize that he can’t be a cop at home. He is in law enforcement for a job and being rigid and military like will damage the kids. He likely can see it but is so proud that he justifies his behavior in his own mind to make what he does ok and legitimate.

So, in conclusion I’d recommend reading the boundaries and assertiveness articles I’ll email you. I’d also recommend getting into a solid counselor yourself for help in your own Self work which can amp you up to do the difficult but doable work with your husband in bringing him out of the darkness of denial and into the light of learning and listening.

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Help, My Husband Has a Sexual Addiction

March 31, 2010 in Pornography | No comments

Question: “I’ll be as concise as I can, but this is a bit of a complicated situation. I have known my husband since we were both 17 (we are now approaching age 50). We have been married for nearly 25 years. We have 4 children, and became members of the LDS Church when we were about 29 years old. A year later, In 1990, we were sealed in the temple. I thought my husband and I were best friends, faithful to one another, honest with each other, and quite content with our lives in general. We did face loss and grief: financial loss, loss of my father-in-law and mother-in-law, suicide of 2 of my husbands nephews, and the difficulties that raising very spirited (sometimes very difficult) children brought us. These occurred over the course of a couple of years. When I noticed my husband having difficulty functioning as well as he had in the past, I assumed it was because of these difficulties. He seemed to move past them in time. Three years ago I was helping my husband organize his desk when I noticed something wrapped up in a bag. I opened it and found a self-help tape called “How To Overcome Sexual Addiction”. I called my husband at work and questioned him about it. He said that he used to have a problem with pornography, but that he was over it. He had just been given the High Priesthood and put in as Second Counselor in the Bishopric in our church ward. Over the next few days I found out that he had still had problems just a couple of months prior to my finding that tape. He didn’t offer to counsel with the Bishop, but I mentioned that I needed to talk with the Bishop about this, and we both ended up counseling with him. Our bishop was new and quite inexperienced in this area, and assumed his repentance was complete, and kept him in the Bishopric. Over the next year I was shocked repeatedly as I found out the extent of his problem. He had not “slept” with anyone, or had emotional relationships with anyone, but he had many “lap dances” at clubs, obviously with topless and mostly bottomless women, he had phone sex, he had done other things that were offered at sex shops. This was much more extensive than I originally thought, in fact I didn’t even realize that some of these things existed. I was sheltered growing up, and just wasn’t exposed to this sort of thing. During this year my husband read a 12 step book, which he worked on diligently, and he assured me he was a changed man, fully repentant. The real shocker for me came when I said I needed him to take a lie detector test, about a year into this whole discovery. I needed to know if he had molested our children (any children), had intercourse with anyone else since our marriage, and other things. Anyhow, he came out clean on those points, however before having the test he told me that for half of this second year he was back into the pornography. I was devastated. I was also shocked to learn during the following year that, although my first sexual experience was with him at age 18, his first sexual experience was with a prostitute at age 17. I had been previously traumatized when, after having sex with me (a virgin who expected that he was one too, having had a conversation about that before hand), he told me the next morning that he had already been with someone else (aside from the prostitute, who I just recently found out about). I went haywire and became promiscuous for a couple of years before marriage after finding out about him, and realizing that a marriage proposal was not going to happen any time soon (as he made clear to me). I felt totally ruined, as virginity was sacred to me. Ok, so after marriage, I assumed that all of our old sexual childishness was over and that we would always keep our vows with complete fidelity, which I did, but obviously he didn’t. Recently, he has assured me that he was totally clean from all of this, but I found out that he lied to me again, saying that he hadn’t been on a particular website (Real Housewives of New York City), when he actually had been. He didn’t see “anything”, so he assures me, but he was on the site at 1 in the morning, and the woman he showed interest in was this coming playboy’s cover girl. He insists he was interested in their gossipy lives. Ok, then, why the lie? I lost it at that point, and suggested a trial separation, but during a temple recommend interview the stake president assured me that separation is not the answer and that complete assurance and peace about a divorce is the only way that it is acceptable. Well, I have neither assurance from above or any peace at this point. I have a family counting on me to do what’s right, which is likely to stay and make this whole thing work. My worry is a selfish one, what about me? I feel trashed and humiliated and cheapened. Help???”

Answer: I appreciate your question. The pain and trauma that you have experienced during the continued discoveries of his sexual encounters must be so painful. From what you stated it appears that you are dealing with a mountain of hurt and betrayal. I know that must be so difficult as you had hoped and felt he was faithful but clearly is not at this point. He clearly does have a sexual addiction and is not sober, at least not now. His justifications about being interested in gossipy lives and saying he has it under control is clearly a denial as to the problem since if he were really working on it he’d of included you and the Lord in his own recovery. Sexual addiction is powerfully, as it involved God-given drives, chemical changes in the body, and can become a crutch to cope with emotional challenges. Beginning with his sexual encounter with a prostitute at 17 and then the series of lap dances, bouts with online porn while alone, and the rationalizations he is offering you indicate to me that he is in fact not sober and if in recovery is likely failing currently at getting a handle on his addiction. I imagine he must be in a world of shame and hurt as well. Shame as he knows that he is living a lie and lying to you as well. He likely is coping with the porn and hoping that it’ll go away but as the research indicates pornography addiction does not ‘go away’ without significant clinical intervention. Oxytocin and Serotonin are released in the brain during sexual arousal while he is engaging in this erotic and fantasy laden sexual encounters. His brain is an organ, and the power of these chemicals, in addition to his own emotional needs are part of what rivets him to his addiction.

My counsel for you is to confront him. He is in denial and needs more than a talk tape or book. The stories you shared and likely the ones you don’t know about are fueling his addiction and it will likely continue as it is just that, an addiction and addictions don’t stand to reason as the brain (not his spirit) is amoral and just wants more and more. I recommend you confront him that he get help, serious professional help. Part of his recovery will be working through understanding how he is benefiting from the porn and encounters and helping him get out of denial and into working through it, not avoiding it. For you I recommend you read this book titled, Confronting Your Spouse’s Pornography Problem.

I also recommend you find a solid LDS counselor that has training and a history working with sexual addictions. You need support and help as you navigate the pain you are bearing with the news that your husband is addicted and thus acting out in ways that jeopardize the marriage covenant and the future of the marriage. You are not alone. Please see my other inquiries that others have made regarding this topic of pornography and sexual addiction. You are not selfish for speaking out, but courageous. It is imperative that you draw a line in the sand. Your demanding respect, virtue, and love from him is one of the only ways for him to hit bottom and then realize he is in need of help. His problem will not go away and it is up to him to get the help and work through it.

Feel free to contact me and I can assist you in finding a therapist in your area with the right training to help guide and support you as you confront and work with you husband.

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Marriage Makeover Manual and Audio CDs

March 13, 2010 in Marriage, Relationships | No comments

Marriage Makeover Program will teach you a variety of steps, tools, techniques, and strategies so you can easily incorporate them into your relationship.

See the product below, you get two additional books and the audio recording for helping build and repair your marriage.


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Verbally Abusive Husband, What Do I Do?

February 17, 2010 in Communication, Family of Origin, Marriage | No comments

Question: “My husband grew up in a very verbally abusive home. When his family fought there were harsh words always and things I never had in my home. Now that we are married and have been for 9 years when we get into arguments these words come out. He is usually a very sweet, and quiet man but when we argue he says things are as so hurtful. An example was the other day we fought about something silly and he got angry and said “I am about to get rid of your A**!” about an hour later he said sorry and that he does not mean to say those things they just come out because that is how is family was. My problem is I think it’s horrible to even say things especially if you don’t mean it. These words hurt even when I know he is not meaning it. I do not know how to handle these situations. I know sometimes I will say things that provoke him even more but still. How do I proceed with this?”

Answer: The scenario you spoke about is a common pattern in couples that come from homes that are high conflict. It also appears in ones that are not. The patterns of communication that are modeled by parents are often woven into the psyche of individuals as children and despite their disdain for the hurtful words, those same children grow up and replicate the behavior in their own marriages and families. In the case of your husband, it appears that he is aware that he has an issue with emotional outbursts and is also aware that he says things he really does not mean. This is a function of his inability to manage emotion and the idea that if he threatens you or hurts you he will feel better. It appears that you had a debate or argument. Instead of discussing his core emotions and issue with what you are saying he ends up threatening you and attempting to hurt you. The thinking is twisted in that it is clearly irrational but something he likely does over and over. The irrational piece of this pattern is that he thinks subconsciously that if he in fact hurts you by belittling or saying things that are caustic he will in some way ‘win’ or otherwise feel justified in his views of the argument and with his treatment of you. Now, all that being said, the family of origin is part of the issues. I underlined part as it is likely only about 25% of the cause of the issue. Just because he learned it from the family he was raised in does not mean he is helpless or a victim to those old patterns, though it does mean that for him breaking the pattern and learning to talk about his core upset or disagreement is clearly a mature and healthy way of doing it versus the immature punitive way he threatens or name calls you.

In the future when it comes up I’d simply respond that you can tell he is upset and ask about the upset. Inform him clearly and firmly that his name calling and disrespect will not be tolerated by you. Letting him know that you realize he is upset but that his ‘punishing’ you does not help you understand him but actually adds more tension and conflict, the very thing he is trying to avoid.

Stand your ground, it will take him some time. Be patient and remember that you teach your husband how to treat you by what you tolerate. Your putting up with it only shows him that he can get away with poor behavior and that you will in fact forgive and move on despite his continued slip ups. Draw the line, be patient, don’t react to him … do guide him to speak about the core of what he is feeling thus helping him not fall into patterns of critical remarks that only lead to more conflict and hurt.

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After 43 years of marriage …

February 11, 2010 in Communication, Marriage | No comments

Question: “After 43 years of marriage all of a sudden my husband is saying “thank you for going out to dinner with me tonight.” I don’t know why this upsets me. Of COURSE we go out to dinner together. He makes it sound like he is in charge and is thanking me. I don’t know why it upsets me so much.”

Answer: It sounds like a few things are going on in the marriage and within your own cognitive process. From the information you provided, it appears that you have a sense that he is speaking down to you or that he is thanking you in a patronizing way. I don’t have a solid sense of the history other than you have been married for 43 years and are irritated that he is thanking you for the evening out. I’d encourage you to think about the following questions to better understand why you are finding it upsetting.

  1. Do you or have you found him to be condecending in the past to you? If so might his thanking you be a similar tone and pattern to the past? If not, was his tone one of “thank you for doing me a favor” or “thank you for going out, I really enjoyed being with you”?
  2. Are you secure in your own core Self? If not, did his thanking you spark a sense of insecurity and fuel thoughts that he might be speaking down to you? Typically insecurity flows out in relationships with reactivity and ones being easily irritated. Taking a look in and reviewing your inner Self would help here in your review.
  3. Is there something wrong or ill of his being appreciative of the evening out? If he has not expressed appreciation in the past, is it too late to start now?

Tone, marital history, and the vibe at the time the comment was made is key to understanding his motive. Simply asking him might be helpful in understanding his thought process. The key though, is your looking within as to why his saying this sparked the irritation. The questions above can assist you in reviewing your sense of the relationship and how that may play a role in why he is talking the way he is following your dinner.

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In A Depression With Chronic Illness

February 3, 2010 in Chronic Illness, Depression | No comments

Question: “I suffer from chronic illness and depression and was put on disability because of it. In other words, I get sick very easily. A couple years ago I had endometrial cancer and the illness has grown worse this past year and 1/2 and the depression too. I recently lost my brother in November which hasn’t helped and living in Alaska and a non-supportive family and ward. Sometimes I don’t even dress until about 2 o’clock and do my housework then! I used to have all kinds of energy and be very social. I also have a bad foot and it hurts to even walk. I was hoping to move to Oregon so I could be in a climate with a lot less winter. The rent is so much cheaper than Alaska and I thought I could at least get a small house with a yard and a bicycle. I know a lot of my depression is from living in Alaska in a remote area with no a lot to do. Plus, I’ve had some people in the ward and area where I live who’ve not been so nice to me, including women living me stranded along the side of the road on the way to the temple, being super rude to me in my callings, etc., etc. Sometimes I don’t even want to go to church anymore. I lived in an awesome ward where I lost a lot of weight, had a very supportive bishop who loved me, and I felt good about myself. Now all I get from my family is–”we can’t stand you, get a life, etc. which doesn’t help at all.”

Answer: I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so. It must be so overwhelming to have the physical challenges and feel like you also don’t have the emotional support from others. It does not sound like you have a lot of support from others. It sounds like you need to lean on a support system that you create; yet the difficulty is that when depressed you likely don’t have the energy or hope to create such a system. My guidance to you is three fold.

Spiritually you’ll need to start reading and praying daily. Getting a good dose of spiritual worship and a clearer sense of who you are and your relationship to God is key. This is first and foremost.

Emotionally you’ll need to begin to deny and not allow your mind to entertain the follies and rudeness that comes from others, family or friends. Don’t allow that to further your depression. When others are ‘off course’ and rude don’t put up with it. Don’t allow your mind to consume and ruminate on their comments. You have to much living to do to allow yourself to deal with their issues and baggage.

Physically you’ve got to get into a structure and start having dailies. Dailies are things you do each day no matter what. Get into a routine that includes dailys that stretch your mind, your body, your spirit. Follow a pattern that gives you stability and ability to predict your day.

Clinically you’d be best served by seeing a therapist. I realize you are in a remote area. I’d recommend a solid book that will help you work through your issues. It would be well worth the purchase, but only if you are serious about leaving the depression behind. The Feeling Good Handbook – David Burns, M.D.

Also, here are some articles you may be interested in reading.
http://tiny.cc/nxDEp , http://tiny.cc/oF8GY, and for a long list of LDS articles go here. You can locate the article list then list of articles. Then go to top of page and go to the official LDS site and obtain the articles.

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Sexual Abuse And Family Secrets

February 2, 2010 in Abuse | No comments

Question: “Six months ago, my grandpa passed away. Right before the viewing, I found out from my mom that he was not temple worthy and would not be in his temple clothes. I asked why, and was told that he had sexually abused someone and did not go through the repentance process appropriately. It sounds as though he had sexually abused more than one individual. Also, I found out from my younger sister that my younger brother had sexually abused her when he was a teen over a time period of five years. She was also sexually abused by a boss when she became a young adult. Through my sister, I found out that my mom had told her that she had been sexually abused by her brother (our Uncle). My problem (other than the obviously distraught way I feel) is, my parents are unhappy that my sister has been in (LDS Fam. Serv.) counseling for over a year. They feel she will bring anything and everything to the therapist – which will, in a sense make her (in their minds) incapable of dealing with the normal challenges of life by herself. I just told my parents that I have also been going to counseling also (LDS Fam. Serv.), and I know about my sister’s plight (I have been with her every step of the way – unlike the rest of my family). So, now they are afraid for us both. I don’t care, but then I do. I want them to know that both my sister and I are not getting brainwashed or something! They mentioned that in the Jan. 2010 Ensign that in “Solving Emotional Problems in the Lord’s Own Way”, it states, “We seem to be developing an epidemic of counselitis which drains spiritual strength from the Church much like the common cold drains more strength out of humanity than any other disease. Speaking figuratively, many a bishop keeps on the corner of his desk a large stack of order forms for emotional relief. When someone comes with a problem, the bishop, unfortunately, without a question, passes them out, without stopping to think what he is doing to his people. I want to know what I could do to let them see that sexual abuse has lasting effects. That the way I’ve learned to handle things in life is wrong and there are better ways that will benefit myself and others. Do you have any suggestions as to what to say or show to them (from the Ensign perhaps) to calm their fears?”

Answer: My sense from your post is that there is a lot of shame in your family. You mother likely is bearing a lot based on her own trauma and history. It is clear that the nature of the sexual abuse and the history in your family is indicative of a system in which abuse occurs and secrets are kept. My guess at this point with the details you offered is that your mother bears a huge sense of shame around her own abuse and the subsequent abuse in your own family of origin, the family of creation from your mother. She likely is minimizing the abuse in her own mind by saying that you guys need to deal with it.

I have an ensign index I created of scores and scores of articles by topic on mental health issues. The ensign index is located at http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/ensign_articles.htm

The link for articles on sexual abuse is at http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/ensign_articles.htm#abuse

Hope these help. Stay strong in you journey.

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Dying Father-In-Law And Distant/Cutoff Relationship

February 2, 2010 in Death and Dying, Grief and Bereavement | No comments

Question: “Hello this question is about my husband’s relationship with his father. Growing up his father was a very abusive man to his mother (physically and verbally) and he was more so verbally abusive to my husband and his brother. He has had a drinking and substance abuse problem all of his life. (my father-in-law) When my in-laws divorced we cut off all contact with my father-in-law and then 2 years later he became ill and so we again started talking with him and the relationship seemed to be going well. A year later he started fighting again at almost every conversation and that is when we had our first child and decided that this is not something we need for our children so again we cut off the relationship. It has been 4 years and we were called that he is in the hospital and we do not know how long he might live. My husband is torn if he should talk with him again or just leave the situation as it is. We know when he is in our lives it brings a lot of contention into our home and family and we think that “our” immediate family is the most important thing. But others have said “he is your father you should forgive him or you will feel guilty when he passes.” We just want I guess reassurance that this toxic relationship needs to not continue even though he is his father. Thanks so much!”

Answer: Glad you wrote in with this question. The bottom line is that at times, due to toxic conflict and or abuse one may need to engage in emotional cutoff with the family or friend. In this case, you chose to cutoff communication with your father-in-law. I only recommend emotional cutoff when things are really toxic and abusive.

In this case I find that you might benefit from closure with him by seeing him in the hospital. Go ahead and call him and see if he is up for a visit. If he is, I’d recommend going up there. I’d suggest putting off the memories of the past and the trauma he may have caused and attempt to re-engage with him. I would not expect any miracles but your attempt to reconnect at his death may provide healing and meaning for you. If it appears that he may be hostile I’d lay down a boundary that you’d like to see him but that he needs to be respectful and kind in word and demeanor. If he is not and things at the visit are not working out you’d need to be polite and cordial and then leave. You can’t make him change, you also may want some closure to that relationship should he die or pass at this time. I would spend less energy holding on to the old bones of the past and put more energy on reaching closure and ensuring that you’ve done what you can do to be supportive and kind independent of how kind or respectful he is of you.

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Christmas Eve Drama, Am I In Error?

February 2, 2010 in Uncategorized | No comments

Question: “Am I being unreasonable? My husband and I have been married for seven years. It is a second marriage for both of us after being previously widowed. I brought 2 children into the marriage; a son now 20 and a daughter 18. My husband brought 3 children; his eldest daughter now 24, middle daughter 22 (and now married) and a son 20. As I think most people can appreciate “blended” families – even when proceeding with the best intentions – are incredibly challenging. We have overcome all sorts of problems over the years but as our children are getting older there seems to be a lot less conflict between us. My question is in regard to what happened this Christmas Eve. We had been invited to my husband’s brother’s home for what we understood was an “open house” type event. We said we might drop by later in the evening. That afternoon we had a phone message from them and it seemed that there were some crossed wires and they had expected us for dinner. My husband returned the call and said sorry about the misunderstanding but we were having dinner at home. So we had all but one of our children here for dinner (including our son-in-law). Which because of one of our daughter’s different religious affiliation hasn’t happened since our very first Christmas together. We had spent days getting ready for this. On the day itself we were running late in part because we were waiting for one of our sons to return from college before going to get a Christmas tree. We gave thanks at the dinner table and I said I was thankful that I could bake and cook for the people that I love and care about. Just as we finished dinner we were joined by our final child. I was so happy that we were all together. We moved from the dinner table and were sitting around the tree, talking, laughing and happy to be together. The kind of rare moment when I look at all of us and think: it’s been really difficult at times but were all in this together and it’s good. My husband said he felt he needed to at least make at appearance at his brother’s open house. We all objected. We wanted to play cards or charades. I reminded him that one of our daughters had to work Christmas Day so for her this was it. He said because of the misunderstanding he felt he had to go. I again objected and told him I thought this was crazy. He reassured me he’d be right back and he left taking two of the kids with him. I was so upset I had to leave the room to compose myself. This left my two biological children and my stepdaughter and son-in-law. When I came back to the living room my stepdaughter and her husband had drifted off looking for swimsuits to sit in our hottub. That left me and my two children. Obviously I was very upset but tried to hid that. We talked for a while before saying goodnight. I got into bed and when my husband came home I’m ashamed to say I pretended to be asleep. I just felt so angry, furious really, that I didn’t feel I could face him. I had been fighting some kind of flu bug for the last few days and on Christmas morning could hardly drag myself out of bed. We both got up early to see our daughter before she had to go off to work. But I returned to bed for several hours. I tried to get up to join everyone to open presents but wasn’t able. I spent the next three days in bed. When I was able to I said to my husband “Do you know that I see what you did on Christmas Eve as really destructive?” His only response was “Is that so?” I told him “Yes. That’s so. And I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings about it”. He said nothing more and I was still feeling so unwell that I just let that sit. He went to work the following day and I sent him an email telling him I felt about what had happened. I told him the whole situation reminded of the definition of a cynic: someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. I ended the email telling him that I loved him but was so furious that I didn’t know what to do with all this emotion. He ignored the email for a further two days. I then (by this time I was feeling weak but better) I brought it up again. He told me that maybe I should just live alone. If I didn’t have expectations of him I wouldn’t be so disappointed all the time. He told me that I was being narcissistic. I was thinking only about myself. He was very calm, trying to be logical and I was getting emotional. I told him he seemed smug and superior that he was able to remain unemotional but I was his wife. I am distressed. This has hurt me. I left the room then because I will not engage with him when I am overwhelmed or crying. I was driving him to work the next day and I said “you know – we aren’t going to get a divorce over this. So I’m still upset about what happened on Christmas Eve but now I’m also upset that you ignored me repeatedly and you’re actually going to have to deal with this. I’m not some unreasonable witch you know”. Yes you are he told me. I asked him to repeat what he said and he told me that I was being an unreasonable witch about this. Obviously this whole conversation didn’t go well. I ended up in tears. He took the opportunity to yell at me (which he later apologized for) telling me that I dig-dig-dig, that I berate him and more. A few days pass and he finally tells me he’s sorry the fallout from this but he can’t apologize for leaving on Christmas Eve because he didn’t have any bad intentions. So again my question would be: am I being unreasonable here? Was “destructive” too strong a word to use (which he says is what set him off)? I feel he did ruin our “family” Christmas Eve. I’d appreciate any insight into this you can offer.”

Answer: Thanks for all the lengthy details. I’ll be brief here but direct. The bottom line is that you have your hopes for Christmas and your husband had his. He chose to leave to save face with his brother, again his choice. You chose to stay with the kids and enjoy the moments at that point in the evening. You are connected, as a married couple but are also autonomous. He is not an appendage to you nor you to him. Now, all that being said, he worried more about what his brother thought than what his own wife thought/felt or his own kids. There is not anything horrible or destructive about his leaving, he did in fact bring two of the kids with him. I do feel that was a poor choice to leave considering the circumstances.

I feel you are in error in getting upset and refusing to communicate with him and not coming in to engage with the family for the days following. Again, if your husband is going to make poor choices, that does not mean you need to engage in withdrawal following Christmas eve etc otherwise you are in as much error as he is considering his choices that night. I realize you are hurt and upset at his choices and the fact is you would do better actually distancing yourself enough emotionally to not remain so attached to his foolish decision.

Now, he needs a good course in listening when you spoke to him about your anger and hurt from what he did. I’d suggest you look into your allowing him to make poor choices and not allowing it to infuriate you so much that you shut down and don’t enjoy the time yourself. Now, I realize this is not as easy as I just made it but remembering that he is connected to you yet autonomous as well with his own thoughts and hopes.

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