Communication

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Verbally Abusive Husband, What Do I Do?

February 17, 2010 in Communication, Family of Origin, Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “My husband grew up in a very verbally abusive home. When his family fought there were harsh words always and things I never had in my home. Now that we are married and have been for 9 years when we get into arguments these words come out. He is usually a very sweet, and quiet man but when we argue he says things are as so hurtful. An example was the other day we fought about something silly and he got angry and said “I am about to get rid of your A**!” about an hour later he said sorry and that he does not mean to say those things they just come out because that is how is family was. My problem is I think it’s horrible to even say things especially if you don’t mean it. These words hurt even when I know he is not meaning it. I do not know how to handle these situations. I know sometimes I will say things that provoke him even more but still. How do I proceed with this?”

Answer: The scenario you spoke about is a common pattern in couples that come from homes that are high conflict. It also appears in ones that are not. The patterns of communication that are modeled by parents are often woven into the psyche of individuals as children and despite their disdain for the hurtful words, those same children grow up and replicate the behavior in their own marriages and families. In the case of your husband, it appears that he is aware that he has an issue with emotional outbursts and is also aware that he says things he really does not mean. This is a function of his inability to manage emotion and the idea that if he threatens you or hurts you he will feel better. It appears that you had a debate or argument. Instead of discussing his core emotions and issue with what you are saying he ends up threatening you and attempting to hurt you. The thinking is twisted in that it is clearly irrational but something he likely does over and over. The irrational piece of this pattern is that he thinks subconsciously that if he in fact hurts you by belittling or saying things that are caustic he will in some way ‘win’ or otherwise feel justified in his views of the argument and with his treatment of you. Now, all that being said, the family of origin is part of the issues. I underlined part as it is likely only about 25% of the cause of the issue. Just because he learned it from the family he was raised in does not mean he is helpless or a victim to those old patterns, though it does mean that for him breaking the pattern and learning to talk about his core upset or disagreement is clearly a mature and healthy way of doing it versus the immature punitive way he threatens or name calls you.

In the future when it comes up I’d simply respond that you can tell he is upset and ask about the upset. Inform him clearly and firmly that his name calling and disrespect will not be tolerated by you. Letting him know that you realize he is upset but that his ‘punishing’ you does not help you understand him but actually adds more tension and conflict, the very thing he is trying to avoid.

Stand your ground, it will take him some time. Be patient and remember that you teach your husband how to treat you by what you tolerate. Your putting up with it only shows him that he can get away with poor behavior and that you will in fact forgive and move on despite his continued slip ups. Draw the line, be patient, don’t react to him … do guide him to speak about the core of what he is feeling thus helping him not fall into patterns of critical remarks that only lead to more conflict and hurt.

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After 43 years of marriage …

February 11, 2010 in Communication, Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “After 43 years of marriage all of a sudden my husband is saying “thank you for going out to dinner with me tonight.” I don’t know why this upsets me. Of COURSE we go out to dinner together. He makes it sound like he is in charge and is thanking me. I don’t know why it upsets me so much.”

Answer: It sounds like a few things are going on in the marriage and within your own cognitive process. From the information you provided, it appears that you have a sense that he is speaking down to you or that he is thanking you in a patronizing way. I don’t have a solid sense of the history other than you have been married for 43 years and are irritated that he is thanking you for the evening out. I’d encourage you to think about the following questions to better understand why you are finding it upsetting.

  1. Do you or have you found him to be condecending in the past to you? If so might his thanking you be a similar tone and pattern to the past? If not, was his tone one of “thank you for doing me a favor” or “thank you for going out, I really enjoyed being with you”?
  2. Are you secure in your own core Self? If not, did his thanking you spark a sense of insecurity and fuel thoughts that he might be speaking down to you? Typically insecurity flows out in relationships with reactivity and ones being easily irritated. Taking a look in and reviewing your inner Self would help here in your review.
  3. Is there something wrong or ill of his being appreciative of the evening out? If he has not expressed appreciation in the past, is it too late to start now?

Tone, marital history, and the vibe at the time the comment was made is key to understanding his motive. Simply asking him might be helpful in understanding his thought process. The key though, is your looking within as to why his saying this sparked the irritation. The questions above can assist you in reviewing your sense of the relationship and how that may play a role in why he is talking the way he is following your dinner.

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My Husband Is Leaving Me, Help!

February 2, 2010 in Communication, Divorce by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I am too glad I have found your blog. I am currently going through a tough time, my husband filled for divorce a year and a half of marriage and as you imagine I am devastated. I have been trying to reason with him that feelings like being overwhelmed and learning how to adjust and be  married is normal in the first two years of marriage but I literally feel like I am talking to myself. All I hear from him is this is final, you need to accept it. He told me he lost his testimony and that he wants us to be happy but not with each other cause we were not meant to be together. I am really confused and angry at time since this was not the case when we decided to marry in the temple and we made commitments to each other, now that he is breaking. I am feeling guilty about my divorce, I feel that he is taking a easy way out of our marriage and I can not stand the thought of not giving my 100% on working and solving all that can be solved. We had arguments in the past, he is a very sensitive man and so am I but not as much as he is. He has dealt with depression in his childhood, entered MTC and had to get out due to depression and then gave it another try later or after therapy, struggled on the mission field but he came out of it victorious and loved every minute of it. I am scared he is feeling the same about our marriage too this time around, he just wants out and there is nothing I can do or say to make him want/ desire to work on our marriage. I feel overwhelmed with a lot of guilt and despair that I can not see myself getting out of this situation ever feeling like the same person again. We need to learn how to be married and how to manage our arguments/ differences. We had arguments that he never expressed how he felt about them, he would just leave it to that, I would say sorry it came down to a fight, and he would just say okay. Never actually talked about the issue, never told me what was that really bothered him, he just kept it all in till it came to a point where he picked up his stuff and left. I have been getting a lot of outside perspectives on the relationship, and it all comes down to him having a mental disability and that he was brought up by parents that would pay his bills. That does not give me comfort. I want to be married to this man because I love him and I chose to be with knowing how sensitive he is and wanting to be his eternal companion and lift each other up when we fall. But all he tells me it is that it is final. He is sad about the situation but he is just done. Now I am dealing with depression and I come off as very desperate when I try to talk to him, and that is probably making him step back even more. I just need some advice on how I can make him want to save our marriage even after constantly telling me we’re done. Is it possible to save my marriage??

Answer: It appears from your post that you are clearly worried about the nature of the marriage and the prospects for the future of it surviving. From your post I gathered a few key items. It appears the marriage has conflict and misunderstandings. This is normal! Most marriages especially in the first few months and into the first year to have more than normal misgivings and at times contentious bouts due to insecurity and the segue into the couple married relationship from singlehood. My concern for you at this point is not the development of the marriage but the nature of where you are at now in the marriage. Your husbands saying it is final is a firm stand. What does he mean by final? Has he moved out with his parents or on his own? When you mention he has a mental disability what disability are you referring too? I don’t have much history from your post but surmise that there is more than you could put on the post. His jumping up and saying he is out of the marriage has got to be fueled by things he is feeling at present or in past.

My guidance for you is to not beg him back, doing so will likely drive him farther away as he’ll likely see you as desperate and needy. You are a woman and deserve to be respected and you disrespect yourself in begging him home or the like. Instead, attempt to speak to him about why he wants to leave. When you do speak, don’t debate or justify; simply listen to him and hear him out. This will help you understand what is happening. It is clear that you and him need to get into some couples counseling to get a handle on if you are doing to divorce or not. I’d visit with him about going to counseling not to save the marriage but to sort out if it will last, if it will stand and if you both want in it. Yes, you’ve both made covenants but if he is already halfway out the door he is not worried about those so approaching him on a spiritual bases about what he has promised will likely hold little merit for him. Again, I’d instead lead him with you into couples counseling to figure out what you both want.

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Dealing With A Distant & Avoidant Husband

January 26, 2010 in Communication, Marriage by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “I’m so conflicted on whether to leave my husband or not. We’ve been married for almost 25 years and have 3 grown children (youngest is 18). We have no emotional relationship. What I mean by this is that we live in the same house but it’s more like we are roommates instead of husband and wife. There is no physical contact between us unless it is initiated by me – I have to be the one to give a hug – I have to be the one to hold his arm or grab his hand – he never does it. Any communication we have – which is minimal – is him telling me all about his work or his bowling. He has NEVER asked me about how I’m doing or how my day is. When I am sick he has never asked me how I’m doing or if there is something he can do for me. Up until a year ago I made sure that we had the physical contact and also made sure to ask how he was doing, how his day had gone, ect. When I ask him why he doesn’t hold my hand or ask me how I’m doing he always says that he doesn’t remember to do it and that he has a bad memory. I started leaving little notes “have a wonderful day’ type messages on his car, the bathroom ect. He never responded. So I tried again put reminders on the bathroom mirror things like “ give me a hug, ask me how my work in going, squeeze my shoulder, ask me how I’m doing. I felt for sure this would get some type of response from him but he didn’t even acknowledge that the writing was there. So now, this last July, I wrote him a long letter that I gave him when I went to visit my family (I felt he needed time to read and think about what I was saying). I wrote exactly how I was feeling about his actions / inactions, and what I needed from him. I told him that I could not continue to live like this, that I was emotionally drained and that I would have to leave if things did not change but that I was willing to work on the relationship if he could show me, by his actions, that he was willing to make some changes too. When I came home, there were a few minor changes and he gave me a hug everyday for a about a week, and then the frequency swiftly dropped off. Again, in December, I said that nothing had changed since the summer and asked him to not buy me any gift, that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was for him to re-read that letter and take it seriously. Still nothing has changed. So now comes my dilemma, I’m not getting from him what I desperately need but is it right for me to leave him. He has never physically or mentally abused me. I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me he is a hard worker and generally a good person’ but we have no real relationship. I know that I could continue to live like this but it would be me giving up a part of me settling with existing. I know I can be happy on my own but part of me doesn’t want to be alone. I feel like I am staying with him just so I don’t have to be alone. I also know that leaving him would hurt him and be financially difficult for him. I do care about what happens to him because we have been married for so long but I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what is right to do.”

Answer: Sounds like you are living in a marriage but most of the time still feel single. It is sad to hear about all your attempts to reach your husband with notes and other cues to help him wake up and catch a clue as to what your needs are. I find from your post above that you really have attempted to reach him with the notes, with the letter, and your verbal requests. You mentioned that the relationship is not caustic or contentious. I might add that damaging relationships need not be contentious only but they can be quite the opposite and still be unhealthy, silent treatment, avoidance, and stonewalling are all maneuvers that spouses engage in that take little energy but are really unhealthy. From what you stated it sounds like avoidance is his primary function, to work, provide and otherwise cohabitate. I say cohabitation since there is no physical and emotional intimacy between you both.

I’d recommend a few things. I’d first read John Gottman’s book on healthy marriages to get a good baseline on what healthy marriages look like. I’d then not get hung up on the details with your husband, you’ve got 25 years behind you and I don’t think you should end it just yet. I’d rethink the nature of your friendship and slowly start building it. If he is checked out and avoiding and comfortable with it you likely will not get him to respond to all your cues or any of them right at first. I’d suggest instead work on building the friendship and moving to a position of baseline friendship, the foundation of healthy marriages. Now, I realize you don’t feel close to him or that you don’t currently don’t feel like you love him. That is fine, but you need to start with slow friendship in a manner to parse out the marriage and what can happen.

He sounds pretty self-focused as well. I’d instead try and not get him to ask about you, instead have him talk about himself something he’s willing to do by asking about him. This is natural, any man or women wants their spouse to speak to them and inquire as it shows love and genuine interest. He is shut down enough you will likely not get him to engage with you even per your asking. If you can’t beat him, join him. I’d line up some solid conversations with him about bowling. Listen to him, hear him out, ask, and otherwise build the friendship on that note. Hey, if you go all the way, get a date lined up to go bowling with him! Again, the thought here is not to build his ego or manipulate him at all but to instead generate conversation with him and build friendship. Also, it may not be comfortable at first but this is just opening the door a crack.

I cannot answer all of this complex phenomenon that distant avoidant spouses engage in during this short post but don’t give up hope, you have a lot of options you really need to be open to thinking ‘out of the box’ and be open to doing some of your own work so as to be able to work with him.

Working with a husband that is emotionally shut down is difficult, even for therapists let alone a wife that is trying and lonely and hurt. I’d recommend starting to work with a counselor, just you at first to get some of your bases covered and start to get your own hurt and pain worked through. I’d then suggest a good dose of couples counseling.

Please see the video below for more specifics on divorce and marriage.

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