Grief and Bereavement

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In A Depression With Chronic Illness

February 3, 2010 in Chronic Illness, Depression by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I suffer from chronic illness and depression and was put on disability because of it. In other words, I get sick very easily. A couple years ago I had endometrial cancer and the illness has grown worse this past year and 1/2 and the depression too. I recently lost my brother in November which hasn’t helped and living in Alaska and a non-supportive family and ward. Sometimes I don’t even dress until about 2 o’clock and do my housework then! I used to have all kinds of energy and be very social. I also have a bad foot and it hurts to even walk. I was hoping to move to Oregon so I could be in a climate with a lot less winter. The rent is so much cheaper than Alaska and I thought I could at least get a small house with a yard and a bicycle. I know a lot of my depression is from living in Alaska in a remote area with no a lot to do. Plus, I’ve had some people in the ward and area where I live who’ve not been so nice to me, including women living me stranded along the side of the road on the way to the temple, being super rude to me in my callings, etc., etc. Sometimes I don’t even want to go to church anymore. I lived in an awesome ward where I lost a lot of weight, had a very supportive bishop who loved me, and I felt good about myself. Now all I get from my family is–”we can’t stand you, get a life, etc. which doesn’t help at all.”

Answer: I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so. It must be so overwhelming to have the physical challenges and feel like you also don’t have the emotional support from others. It does not sound like you have a lot of support from others. It sounds like you need to lean on a support system that you create; yet the difficulty is that when depressed you likely don’t have the energy or hope to create such a system. My guidance to you is three fold.

Spiritually you’ll need to start reading and praying daily. Getting a good dose of spiritual worship and a clearer sense of who you are and your relationship to God is key. This is first and foremost.

Emotionally you’ll need to begin to deny and not allow your mind to entertain the follies and rudeness that comes from others, family or friends. Don’t allow that to further your depression. When others are ‘off course’ and rude don’t put up with it. Don’t allow your mind to consume and ruminate on their comments. You have to much living to do to allow yourself to deal with their issues and baggage.

Physically you’ve got to get into a structure and start having dailies. Dailies are things you do each day no matter what. Get into a routine that includes dailys that stretch your mind, your body, your spirit. Follow a pattern that gives you stability and ability to predict your day.

Clinically you’d be best served by seeing a therapist. I realize you are in a remote area. I’d recommend a solid book that will help you work through your issues. It would be well worth the purchase, but only if you are serious about leaving the depression behind. The Feeling Good Handbook – David Burns, M.D.

Also, here are some articles you may be interested in reading.
http://tiny.cc/nxDEp , http://tiny.cc/oF8GY, and for a long list of LDS articles go here. You can locate the article list then list of articles. Then go to top of page and go to the official LDS site and obtain the articles.

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Dying Father-In-Law And Distant/Cutoff Relationship

February 2, 2010 in Death and Dying, Grief and Bereavement by JustinS | No comments

Question: “Hello this question is about my husband’s relationship with his father. Growing up his father was a very abusive man to his mother (physically and verbally) and he was more so verbally abusive to my husband and his brother. He has had a drinking and substance abuse problem all of his life. (my father-in-law) When my in-laws divorced we cut off all contact with my father-in-law and then 2 years later he became ill and so we again started talking with him and the relationship seemed to be going well. A year later he started fighting again at almost every conversation and that is when we had our first child and decided that this is not something we need for our children so again we cut off the relationship. It has been 4 years and we were called that he is in the hospital and we do not know how long he might live. My husband is torn if he should talk with him again or just leave the situation as it is. We know when he is in our lives it brings a lot of contention into our home and family and we think that “our” immediate family is the most important thing. But others have said “he is your father you should forgive him or you will feel guilty when he passes.” We just want I guess reassurance that this toxic relationship needs to not continue even though he is his father. Thanks so much!”

Answer: Glad you wrote in with this question. The bottom line is that at times, due to toxic conflict and or abuse one may need to engage in emotional cutoff with the family or friend. In this case, you chose to cutoff communication with your father-in-law. I only recommend emotional cutoff when things are really toxic and abusive.

In this case I find that you might benefit from closure with him by seeing him in the hospital. Go ahead and call him and see if he is up for a visit. If he is, I’d recommend going up there. I’d suggest putting off the memories of the past and the trauma he may have caused and attempt to re-engage with him. I would not expect any miracles but your attempt to reconnect at his death may provide healing and meaning for you. If it appears that he may be hostile I’d lay down a boundary that you’d like to see him but that he needs to be respectful and kind in word and demeanor. If he is not and things at the visit are not working out you’d need to be polite and cordial and then leave. You can’t make him change, you also may want some closure to that relationship should he die or pass at this time. I would spend less energy holding on to the old bones of the past and put more energy on reaching closure and ensuring that you’ve done what you can do to be supportive and kind independent of how kind or respectful he is of you.

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