Marriage

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My Husband Is “Intimately” Checked-Out – Help!

August 9, 2010 in Intimacy, Marriage, Sexuality, Uncategorized by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I’m a 30 year old LDS mother of three (4,3,1)and have been married to my husband(35 year-old) for 10 years. From when we got married and we started being intimate I got the feeling that my sex drive was a lot higher than my husband’s. I wanted to be intimate with him all the time and he didn’t seem as interested as me. I’m always the one asking my husband to be with me and sometimes I’m in luck but the other times I end up feeling rejected and feeling bad about myself. I’ve tried not to focus on that too much so I’ve been more focused on my kids, work and home. We have gone as long as 10 months without intimacy just because I didn’t say anything. He also very rarely kisses me on the lips. He thinks he only needs to kiss me when we actually get intimate, but sometimes all I want is a kiss and nothing else. I’m silently desperate for intimacy and romance from my husband. Is there something wrong with me or him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he changes the conversation and says I’m being silly. Help!!”

Answer: I appreciate your writing in. It is normal for couples when they first marry to be semi-unaware of the physical and emotional needs connected to sexual intimacy. Many couples marry and engage in a disproportionate amount of sexual intimacy due to the newness and excitement found in sexual connection. In time, most couples have a slow down, or period in which things become stable and consistent pattern of frequency come into play for how they connect sexually.

From your post it sounds like you are more sexually cued up that he is. I mean that your sexual energy and libido as it is called, is larger than his. This is not abnormal as I have worked with scores and scores of couples and no two partners typically have the exact same sexual frequency. In the literature they call it high-desire or low-desire. Again, neither is bad nor good as it is not a moral issue but it just is. The catch for couples, is that they learn to get into a pattern of what works for both partners and leaves the couple feeling enriched and bonded following the sexual connecting. It sounds as if you are approaching him for connection and he is less interested, which I’d frame as lower-desire. You may be interpreting it as less interested as in he is not ‘into’ you. I’d caution you on that. It may be that he is, but more than likely his sexual frequency is lower and thus his needs are different. Have you spoken to him about your feeling rejected or hurt when you’ve felt he is not interested in you sexually? I’d highly suggest speaking about it, or writing him a letter about it and then following it up with a conversation. He can’t understand you if you want him to simply figure out what you want by guessing. Most couples on average have sexual interaction at least weekly. According to research, couples that have sex 3x per week or more are considered high-desire and couples that are 1x every other week are low desire. Marriages with sex less than 1x in three months, are considered non-sexual marriages.

Intimacy is something that runs far deeper than sexual intercourse. Intimacy is clearly about union, closeness, and passion in the heat of a relationship. I feel your husband needs to re-evaluate his desires or lack thereof for intimacy and I don’t mean sex either. I am talking about his connection to you. For you, I’d recommend speaking to him about your needs and hopes from your heart. You mentioned talking to him about it and him responding you’re silly. I’d instead look deeper at how you are presenting yourself. You will teach him how to treat you by what you tolerate and put up with. I’d suggest approaching him in a different way in a way that will help him hear your heart not merely the words that he can avoid and minimize as silly. Also, affection and closeness with hugs, touch, and small kisses are part of a healthy marriage not just precursors and foreplay before sexual connection.

Clearly your talking about it together will provide the solutions for frequency and preferences. Good luck in your journey.

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Marriage Makeover Manual and Audio CDs

March 13, 2010 in Marriage, Relationships by JustinS | No comments

Marriage Makeover Program will teach you a variety of steps, tools, techniques, and strategies so you can easily incorporate them into your relationship.

See the product below, you get two additional books and the audio recording for helping build and repair your marriage.


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Verbally Abusive Husband, What Do I Do?

February 17, 2010 in Communication, Family of Origin, Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “My husband grew up in a very verbally abusive home. When his family fought there were harsh words always and things I never had in my home. Now that we are married and have been for 9 years when we get into arguments these words come out. He is usually a very sweet, and quiet man but when we argue he says things are as so hurtful. An example was the other day we fought about something silly and he got angry and said “I am about to get rid of your A**!” about an hour later he said sorry and that he does not mean to say those things they just come out because that is how is family was. My problem is I think it’s horrible to even say things especially if you don’t mean it. These words hurt even when I know he is not meaning it. I do not know how to handle these situations. I know sometimes I will say things that provoke him even more but still. How do I proceed with this?”

Answer: The scenario you spoke about is a common pattern in couples that come from homes that are high conflict. It also appears in ones that are not. The patterns of communication that are modeled by parents are often woven into the psyche of individuals as children and despite their disdain for the hurtful words, those same children grow up and replicate the behavior in their own marriages and families. In the case of your husband, it appears that he is aware that he has an issue with emotional outbursts and is also aware that he says things he really does not mean. This is a function of his inability to manage emotion and the idea that if he threatens you or hurts you he will feel better. It appears that you had a debate or argument. Instead of discussing his core emotions and issue with what you are saying he ends up threatening you and attempting to hurt you. The thinking is twisted in that it is clearly irrational but something he likely does over and over. The irrational piece of this pattern is that he thinks subconsciously that if he in fact hurts you by belittling or saying things that are caustic he will in some way ‘win’ or otherwise feel justified in his views of the argument and with his treatment of you. Now, all that being said, the family of origin is part of the issues. I underlined part as it is likely only about 25% of the cause of the issue. Just because he learned it from the family he was raised in does not mean he is helpless or a victim to those old patterns, though it does mean that for him breaking the pattern and learning to talk about his core upset or disagreement is clearly a mature and healthy way of doing it versus the immature punitive way he threatens or name calls you.

In the future when it comes up I’d simply respond that you can tell he is upset and ask about the upset. Inform him clearly and firmly that his name calling and disrespect will not be tolerated by you. Letting him know that you realize he is upset but that his ‘punishing’ you does not help you understand him but actually adds more tension and conflict, the very thing he is trying to avoid.

Stand your ground, it will take him some time. Be patient and remember that you teach your husband how to treat you by what you tolerate. Your putting up with it only shows him that he can get away with poor behavior and that you will in fact forgive and move on despite his continued slip ups. Draw the line, be patient, don’t react to him … do guide him to speak about the core of what he is feeling thus helping him not fall into patterns of critical remarks that only lead to more conflict and hurt.

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After 43 years of marriage …

February 11, 2010 in Communication, Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “After 43 years of marriage all of a sudden my husband is saying “thank you for going out to dinner with me tonight.” I don’t know why this upsets me. Of COURSE we go out to dinner together. He makes it sound like he is in charge and is thanking me. I don’t know why it upsets me so much.”

Answer: It sounds like a few things are going on in the marriage and within your own cognitive process. From the information you provided, it appears that you have a sense that he is speaking down to you or that he is thanking you in a patronizing way. I don’t have a solid sense of the history other than you have been married for 43 years and are irritated that he is thanking you for the evening out. I’d encourage you to think about the following questions to better understand why you are finding it upsetting.

  1. Do you or have you found him to be condecending in the past to you? If so might his thanking you be a similar tone and pattern to the past? If not, was his tone one of “thank you for doing me a favor” or “thank you for going out, I really enjoyed being with you”?
  2. Are you secure in your own core Self? If not, did his thanking you spark a sense of insecurity and fuel thoughts that he might be speaking down to you? Typically insecurity flows out in relationships with reactivity and ones being easily irritated. Taking a look in and reviewing your inner Self would help here in your review.
  3. Is there something wrong or ill of his being appreciative of the evening out? If he has not expressed appreciation in the past, is it too late to start now?

Tone, marital history, and the vibe at the time the comment was made is key to understanding his motive. Simply asking him might be helpful in understanding his thought process. The key though, is your looking within as to why his saying this sparked the irritation. The questions above can assist you in reviewing your sense of the relationship and how that may play a role in why he is talking the way he is following your dinner.

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Dealing With A Distant & Avoidant Husband

January 26, 2010 in Communication, Marriage by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “I’m so conflicted on whether to leave my husband or not. We’ve been married for almost 25 years and have 3 grown children (youngest is 18). We have no emotional relationship. What I mean by this is that we live in the same house but it’s more like we are roommates instead of husband and wife. There is no physical contact between us unless it is initiated by me – I have to be the one to give a hug – I have to be the one to hold his arm or grab his hand – he never does it. Any communication we have – which is minimal – is him telling me all about his work or his bowling. He has NEVER asked me about how I’m doing or how my day is. When I am sick he has never asked me how I’m doing or if there is something he can do for me. Up until a year ago I made sure that we had the physical contact and also made sure to ask how he was doing, how his day had gone, ect. When I ask him why he doesn’t hold my hand or ask me how I’m doing he always says that he doesn’t remember to do it and that he has a bad memory. I started leaving little notes “have a wonderful day’ type messages on his car, the bathroom ect. He never responded. So I tried again put reminders on the bathroom mirror things like “ give me a hug, ask me how my work in going, squeeze my shoulder, ask me how I’m doing. I felt for sure this would get some type of response from him but he didn’t even acknowledge that the writing was there. So now, this last July, I wrote him a long letter that I gave him when I went to visit my family (I felt he needed time to read and think about what I was saying). I wrote exactly how I was feeling about his actions / inactions, and what I needed from him. I told him that I could not continue to live like this, that I was emotionally drained and that I would have to leave if things did not change but that I was willing to work on the relationship if he could show me, by his actions, that he was willing to make some changes too. When I came home, there were a few minor changes and he gave me a hug everyday for a about a week, and then the frequency swiftly dropped off. Again, in December, I said that nothing had changed since the summer and asked him to not buy me any gift, that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was for him to re-read that letter and take it seriously. Still nothing has changed. So now comes my dilemma, I’m not getting from him what I desperately need but is it right for me to leave him. He has never physically or mentally abused me. I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me he is a hard worker and generally a good person’ but we have no real relationship. I know that I could continue to live like this but it would be me giving up a part of me settling with existing. I know I can be happy on my own but part of me doesn’t want to be alone. I feel like I am staying with him just so I don’t have to be alone. I also know that leaving him would hurt him and be financially difficult for him. I do care about what happens to him because we have been married for so long but I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what is right to do.”

Answer: Sounds like you are living in a marriage but most of the time still feel single. It is sad to hear about all your attempts to reach your husband with notes and other cues to help him wake up and catch a clue as to what your needs are. I find from your post above that you really have attempted to reach him with the notes, with the letter, and your verbal requests. You mentioned that the relationship is not caustic or contentious. I might add that damaging relationships need not be contentious only but they can be quite the opposite and still be unhealthy, silent treatment, avoidance, and stonewalling are all maneuvers that spouses engage in that take little energy but are really unhealthy. From what you stated it sounds like avoidance is his primary function, to work, provide and otherwise cohabitate. I say cohabitation since there is no physical and emotional intimacy between you both.

I’d recommend a few things. I’d first read John Gottman’s book on healthy marriages to get a good baseline on what healthy marriages look like. I’d then not get hung up on the details with your husband, you’ve got 25 years behind you and I don’t think you should end it just yet. I’d rethink the nature of your friendship and slowly start building it. If he is checked out and avoiding and comfortable with it you likely will not get him to respond to all your cues or any of them right at first. I’d suggest instead work on building the friendship and moving to a position of baseline friendship, the foundation of healthy marriages. Now, I realize you don’t feel close to him or that you don’t currently don’t feel like you love him. That is fine, but you need to start with slow friendship in a manner to parse out the marriage and what can happen.

He sounds pretty self-focused as well. I’d instead try and not get him to ask about you, instead have him talk about himself something he’s willing to do by asking about him. This is natural, any man or women wants their spouse to speak to them and inquire as it shows love and genuine interest. He is shut down enough you will likely not get him to engage with you even per your asking. If you can’t beat him, join him. I’d line up some solid conversations with him about bowling. Listen to him, hear him out, ask, and otherwise build the friendship on that note. Hey, if you go all the way, get a date lined up to go bowling with him! Again, the thought here is not to build his ego or manipulate him at all but to instead generate conversation with him and build friendship. Also, it may not be comfortable at first but this is just opening the door a crack.

I cannot answer all of this complex phenomenon that distant avoidant spouses engage in during this short post but don’t give up hope, you have a lot of options you really need to be open to thinking ‘out of the box’ and be open to doing some of your own work so as to be able to work with him.

Working with a husband that is emotionally shut down is difficult, even for therapists let alone a wife that is trying and lonely and hurt. I’d recommend starting to work with a counselor, just you at first to get some of your bases covered and start to get your own hurt and pain worked through. I’d then suggest a good dose of couples counseling.

Please see the video below for more specifics on divorce and marriage.

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Dealing With A Husband With Mental Challenges

January 23, 2010 in Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “Hello. I am married and have been for the last year. When I first met my husband, I noticed that he had something wrong with him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. After 2 or 3 dates, I resigned to the fact that he is probably mildly mentally retarded and was probably in the special ed classes in school. Since I have no problem with that and genuinely liked him, I continued to date him. We fell in love and married. Now his mental issues are destroying our marriage because I do not think he can fully grasp the scope of some of our issues. I have asked him about his mental capacity in the past, but he never will admit to it. On one occasion when he thought I was leaving him, he admitted that he is one can short of a six pack and that is why he argues all the time. That is the closest he has ever come to admitting anything about his mental condition. If he truly does have a weakness in this area, we need to discuss it. How do I find out about him without hurting his feelings? His family never says anything about it and each time I ask him, he denies it. When I asked him what did he mean when he said he was a can short of a six pack, he said he just said it because he didn’t want me to leave him and he was saying anything that came to his mind. I love my husband and I don’t want to hurt or embarrass him by pushing the issue. But I know without a doubt that he has mental issues. Anyone that meets him can see it in his face. You know, he has that look. If I knew exactly what, maybe I could be more patient with him and save our marriage. Sometimes he has the mentality of a child. Other times he is selfish and dismissive. Also, I think he was a virgin when we met, but of course I will die before he ever admits to that one…. We are very spiritual and go to church often. He blames his shortcomings on the work of the devil just trying to break us up. But I know it is deeper than that. Trying to get help for someone when he and his family pretend nothing is wrong, could hurt my husband beyond repair… Please help!!!”

Answer: I appreciate your question. Marriage can be difficult at times and working with a spouse that likely has some cognitive challenges can make it more difficult. I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you to have a relationship with some one that you say is irritable most of the time and tends to argue. It appears that he does have difficulty within your relationship based upon what you shared in your post above. From what you stated he has shared he likely has some difficulty processing information and reading social cues as he has stated in a moment of fear that he is one can short of a six pack as you stated. He is likely aware and highly insecure and thus defensive about his emotional and mental processes that complicate the marriage. You mention that if you knew exactly what he ‘had’ you could “be more patient with him and save our marriage”. I don’t know that your labeling it will do more for you in terms of being able to see it, as even without a title or label you can see the symptoms and know how it feels to interact with him. I do feel what you are saying though, that a label might help you measure, quantify, or otherwise understand what he has or struggles with and then be able to express more understanding.

It is possible that he may have a cognitive processing issue? Meaning he may have a average fine IQ but process information much more slowly thus a split, and this would look like his misreading cues, being irritable and otherwise being challenged. Did he have difficulties at birth? Premature? Delayed development? These would be indications that may have influenced his cognitive abilities. These can be worked through and managed, but you and him need to acknowledge them and deal with them as they influence the marriage.

My guidance for you here would be that you both seek out marriage/couple counseling. Processing through the patterns and the nature of the marriage and relationship would not only identify the issues that are plaguing your marriage but the capacity and mental challenges that he has will also surface. This would give you and him both room to explore and understand the nature of his difficulties and the strain on the marriage. I do not feel your confronting him on it will help him come out and talk about it. He is likely so insecure and worried that you’ll leave him (per your story above) that he’ll not want to be inadequate or state that he is less than. Going to therapy and tackling the issues head on will provide a safe medium for you booth to visit and for the therapist to wade through the issues and I am confident that they’ll emerge as you speak about what you have posted here on this blog in terms of his statements that he may be different and challenged in managing emotion and relationships.

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How Can I Help My Husband Stop Porn Habit?

January 18, 2010 in Intimacy, Pornography by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “My husband and I have been married for 7 years. While we were dating he told me he had an addiction to pornography since someone showed him a magazine when he was 8. He cried when he told me and assured me it was something he was working on and would not let continue. Over the first few years of our marriage I would either find something on the computer or he would feel guilty and confess on his own to me when he had “slipped up”. He could go months without viewing it and then go back. I got to the point where I was sick of asking him how he was doing on it since I was always scared to hear a negative answer and I found he would just lie until he was ready to confess anyways. Other than this issue, he is a perfect husband. He helps me around the house, is a hard worker, a wonderful father and my best friend. He has been to different bishops about it (since we move so often) but has never had temple worthiness revoked. In fact, a couple years ago he was made a high-priest. It has been a couple years since we have dealt with this issue so I thought maybe he was doing better but this morning I sound several porn links on his pocket pc (and he knows I check the history periodically). It also appears as it instead of just looking at pictures like he used to, there were links for video clips. I’m freaking out! It’s getting worse? I always kinds thought how guilty he felt about his little slip ups would prevent him from taking it any further. I realize he probably needs outside help, as do I since this is not really doing wonders for my self-esteem. What else can I do to help him? I don’t want to make him feel so guilty or bad that he feels hopeless about quitting but I want to help him stop. I wouldn’t ever want to consider divorce over something like this but I find myself thinking about the possibility of him leaving me or me having to leave him if it ever got too bad. Please help give me any tips for myself or him.”

Answer: I am glad you are reaching out for support. I can imagine you are pretty hurt and upset with his porn use that has lingered for years and appears to be getting worse. Stopping pornography can be harder than some substance addictions, like oxycontin or heroin. I have worked personally with scores of men that are addicted. These are successful, seemingly happy, but addicted men. They often live two lives and find themselves hiding and using their secret addiction to soothe and meet emotional and or sexual needs.

Yes, he does need clinical help. He will not kick it on his own and even if he did have the capacity to do it (he would of years ago if this was the case) he does not have an objective clear view that would help him assess his needs, his insecurities, and his doubts. He may not feel an impetus to change as he does not have a lot of pressure from you or so it appears from your post. He also may not hit rock bottom and feel like it is a significant issue unless he feels and comes to know that it hurts you, and it hurts you badly. It can and will destroy your marriage. I have worked with many couples that are battling it, don’t mistake, it is addictive and will lead him to objectify you and fantasize about other women; he needs help.

I recommend that you get some counseling help. I also recommend you read my other posts on the subject of pornography. http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/blog/?cat=31

Listen to a good audio clip about how porn impacts the minds of men, 5 min. clip here: http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/audio/jason-evert.mp3

I have provided a list of links of articles that I feel can help you heal.
Is Pornography That Harmful? (Recommended)
Breaking the Chains of Pornography – LDS Ensign
Leaving Pornography Behind – LDS Ensign (Recommended)

Get a longer list of articles from the LDS Church.

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Blended Families – Will Counseling Help?

January 18, 2010 in Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “My husband and I have been married for nearly eighteen years. It has been turbulent much of the time. We both had teenagers from previous marriages when we blended our families. We both had careers. From the beginning we had very different styles especially in regards to finances. Since my previous husband had been a compulsive gamble who wiped us out financially I came in to this marriage very protective of my income. It would send my new husband into literal rages that I would want to have a separate bank account. Needless to say his reaction did nothing to foster trust. Then there were the children. I was to have all the responsibility of a step mother but none of the authority and there were LOTS of fights about that. Finally, because he refused to use any form of birth control I got pregnant at 42 and had baby girl. For a while it looked like she might be the solution to our problems and we are both intensely devoted to her (she’s nearly 11 now). I have not been very happy in my marriage but I have dedicated myself to staying in it for our daughter’s sake. Especially since I gave up my career when she was born and would find it very hard to support myself at this age and in this economy. About eighteen months ago I started to suffer from depression and went to counseling. My husband even came with me for several sessions and I thought we had gained some valuable tools and information on how to have a better marriage. I even thought he had some little appreciation for what depression is and how he could help me. Well, I am not attracted physically to him anymore since he has put on over a hundred pounds since we got married and I don’t like sex with him. (We agreed to once a week on payday) So he says he feels “like dog” about sex. For me it’s like a household chore I have to do once a week. Not a good thing, I know. I have lost count of how many times he has walked out or threatened to walk out over the years. I admit freely I have pushed him beyond his limit sometimes. During counseling we both make promises, however, to each other and to our therapist (we quit going last summer) that I would approach conversations in a non threatening way and he would not threaten to leave. Today I brought up some money issues in the safest way I knew since I was feeling betrayed about some money he had loaned or given his family members without letting me know up front. He got furious and threatened to leave. Just like all the times in the past I ended up groveling and begging him not to go and the whole conversation turned into how I was the bad guy. We are both nearing the end of our rope. I think we would like to make our temple marriage work and although there are no serious moral transgressions and we don’t want to hurt our daughter, if I can’t talk to him and feel depressed all the time what am I suppose to do? Do I go back to counseling on my own?”

Answer: Sounds like it has been a long journey, one fraught with much strife and tension. Blending families is challenging as you attempt to not only love and serve your spouse but also fill the needs that your teens have and all that entails. I can tell it has been difficult and that you want things to work, otherwise you would not be begging him to stay when he threatens to leave. I am encouraged that you went to counseling and gained some tools and skills to better work out the concerns in the marriage. I hear you saying there are a few issues that still are present. These issues appear three fold: the authority and role you have in the home, the trust you have in one another that appears to be about money but at the core is really trust, and your current depression and lack of happiness with the relationship. My recommendation would be that you get back into counseling. I hear you saying that the sexual relationship is rocky as well. I’d expect this, since the trust is limited and the contention high when issues come up; therefore the intimacy and or sexual piece is lacking and frustrated.

From your post it appears you have trust issues from your previous marriage and you are hyper-sensitive to him and his decisions. He also has trust issues of you for wanting a separate account. The issues that came into your marriage from your past histories limit the ability to resolve conflict due to hurts and fear from the past.  I honestly feel that both of need to engage in counseling so you can tackle the trust issues, parenting issues, lack of closeness and the processing of fears and pain from each of your previous marriages. The issues themselves are not the issue, the items listed in the series in the previous sentences are. Going and listening to a counselor will not be enough for each of you. A solid commitment to changing yourself and working daily along with a counselor is the key to making it happen.

I’d recommend you both read, Hold Me Tight, a book that hits at the core of the issues you are having. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Also, feel free to read my other posts on marriage.

http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/blog/?cat=17

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Intimacy Struggles, Help!

December 16, 2009 in Intimacy, Sexuality by JustinS | No comments

Question: “Hi. My husband and I have had struggles with intimacy. He wants more frequently and different options, and I have been struggling with getting used to it and feeling like the situation more. We’ve been married for two years, and still have complications in this area. What can I do to help myself feel more comfortable with my husband?”

Answer: I know dealing with intimacy in a marriage can be difficult. I have worked with many couples that are troubled with their ability to connect intimately. Intimacy does  not necessarily mean sex but it does mean bonding, closeness, passion, and connection. A few questions for you to consider. Have you discussed your sexual struggles with your husband? Often tension and fear permeates these situations and couples struggle in silence fearing to discuss the issues openly as they are often afraid they might injure or hurt their spouse. Talking openly and freely about your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions is key to building a strong relationship. If you want to work through the issues talking about them is key. I’d suggest talking to your husband about the nature of his wants/needs with regard to frequency and ‘options’ as you called them. Have you discussed it? How did it go? I am not entirely sure here what you are referencing but my suggestion is that you do some reading and get educated on intimacy and sexuality in the context of a healthy sexual LDS marriage relationship. After reading the article I authored below and the texts you will have a basis and grasp of how to work with your husband. For more immediate help, you can schedule a time to have a phone consultation with me as well.

I suggest you read my online article on this subject, LDS Couples and Sexual Intimacy as well as a previous post for newlyweds on this issue.

I also suggest you read these two books as well. Go buy a copy and start reading, you’ll be glad to did.
1) And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment
2) Purity and Passion, Wendy Watson Nelson, Ph.D.

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Should I Leave My Husband?

December 16, 2009 in Divorce, Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I can’t make the final decision to leave and divorce my husband. It is gradually affecting my whole self and making me very unhappy. I feel I need to leave. I make the decision to do it and then fall back into indecision and just continue with him. I am very unhappy most of the time. I only get relief when in church or in the temple. We are both temple workers. He is passive aggressive. He is a faithful home teacher. He spends all his spare time in the evenings watching television downstairs and I spend my time vegging out on the computer upstairs. We don’t express much love and affection toward each other although we exchange a hug or two during the daytime hours. I moved out of our bedroom into the spare room in October. It’s been over a year since we had sex. In fact, it was a year ago in October. He calls himself a “loner” and doesn’t seem to need family. We both were married twice before we married each other six years ago. Our spouses both passed away years before we married one another. I have two lovely daughters and nine grandchildren. He also has two children and they are grown and have grandchildren, as does my oldest daughter. My husband is 16 years older than me. Why can’t I make a decision and stick with it to divorce him? I’ve left him twice. The first time was for a period of a month. The second time was for a period of two weeks. I feel I need to leave and get a divorce. Why can’t I just DO it and get it over with? I’m 68 and he is 84 yrs. old. He is active although he does have the slow moving disease of prostate cancer. The doctor said he won’t die of prostate cancer but it will gradually lead to some other type of physical problem, maybe bone cancer…..which he thinks he already has. But he doesn’t complain hardly at all about it. I don’t want to inherit his home and properties. They belong to his and his second wife’s children (she had 7 kids and she divorced her first husband and left him and their half grown family to marry my husband. That was back in the 1970′s.) I have a home which my youngest grown daughter lives in with her husband and children. I think I should leave my husband and move into my home when my daughter moves out of it, soon, into their new home. How can I make the final decision to do it? My husband doesn’t seem to really care what I do or if I leave or not. It’s all the same to him. His words say otherwise but his life and actions say he wants to be alone. I can’t go on much longer like this. I need to make a decision to leave or stay and make the best of things and determine to be happy in spite of it all. I’m very confused. I don’t like this back and forth decision making and always second guessing myself. Can you please help me? Thank you. I will be waiting for your reply.”

Answer: I appreciate your inquiry. It sounds like you are living in an emotionally distant marriage and that you would like to leave the marriage. From the details you provided, it appears that you are really not seeking to leave your husband but to have some emotional closeness and companionship. Your discussion above about feeling unhappy and the separate worlds each of you live in is a clear indication that the friendship, the bedrock of a marriage, is dwindling. You also mentioned that you have not had sex in over a year, another indication that closeness and intimacy are lacking as well.

A few things for you to consider. You mentioned, “I feel I need to leave and get a divorce.” My reply to that would be in the form of a question, a question of why did you marry him in the first place? What was it that you sought or were drawn to with your husband? Leaving him won’t in fact foster the closeness and peace you are seeking. It will help you rid yourself of feeling like you are married to a man that does not cherish and long to spend time and engage emotionally and sexually with you. Have either of you seen a therapist? Is he aware of the issues and is he willing to work on them? You are finding it hard to leave permanently and divorce him, what is holding you back from doing so? What are you willing to do to make it work? I realize these are some significant questions. I have attempted not to allow his age and yours to play a role here or his cancer. These are important facts but ones that I don’t feel will help you make the decision as leaving or divorcing a spouse based on those factors does not seem feasible or rational. I do hear your pain as you talk about his being emotionally distant and checked out from you.

Have you discussed with him your desires for intimacy and closeness? I realize that it is difficult to open up emotionally when you don’t feel safe or close to him. Asserting yourself by discussing your needs and pain is key prior to making any decisions and working through regarding your marriage and its future.

I recommend your reading a book about bonding, friendship, and intimacy called Hold Me Tight. It will help guide and sort our what it is you need and want with your husband.

Recommended Reading: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

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