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Potty Training Etc, Help?

February 1, 2010 in Toddlers by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I have a 4 1/2 year old son who has trouble with potty training. He was first trained at 3 and did wonderfully-even at night. Well, about a year ago (about the time his older brother started school) he started having poop accidents. We chucked it up to anxiety, stress, or change. He tends to be more sensitive. We were patient and it went away. Over the past year it keeps coming back-often. Sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be any stress or change and it usually lasts for about two weeks (sometimes multiple daily accidents). We have gotten frustrated with him, which I am sure has made it worse. We have also tried tons of positive reinforcement. I talked to his Doctor and he brushes it off as a kid-thing. When I talk to him about it he tells me “he didn’t feel it coming out.” I have read on the internet and most of the issues I have read about stems from fear, pain, or constipation. He has never complained about fear or pain and the kid is really regular. I am not sure if there is something we can do as far as mental or if this is a medical problem. Thank You.”

Answer: Thanks for the question. I’d recommend that you see a medical specialist that specializes in gastrointestinal issues, not your primary care physician that is more of a generalist. This may be stress related but it is difficult to tell as it may be in fact a medical condition that is coupled with his stress. I have seen both enuresis and encopresis following trauma but as this is more intermittent and does not appear to follow a set pattern per your post below.

My counsel to you would be to ensure you don’t exhibit your stress with it in front of him. I know this is a huge pain and difficult but as it may be psychosomatic “mind-body” you want to ensure that you don’t complicate the equation. I’d do some research of local specialists in your area, that may be dual-specialized gastro as well as pediatric.

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Sixteen Year Old Daughter – Public Display of Affection?

January 24, 2010 in Parenting, Teenagers by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “Our 16 year old daughter is very aggressively affectionate towards her 16 year old boyfriend. Her dad and I have talked to her numerous times. She says she doesn’t know what appropriate boundaries are. We’ve talked to him as well and he does understand, commits to keeping the PDA’s to a minimum, but since she is the more aggressive one, he seems to be helpless. She follows his every move, squeezes up against him wherever he is sitting or standing, kissing his face, touching his hair and face, whispering and smiling as though no one else was in the room. We have 4 teens at home. The 18yo daughter also has a boyfriend, but their affection is normal. They’ve both spoken to the 16yo too, but none of our talking is doing any good. The last time we talked, I told her the next time he comes over, she isn’t allowed to be affection at all… a sort of grounding. If she ignores me, I’m going to take him home at the first sign of her inappropriate behavior. I’m also going to insist that she sit down with me and read, “Boundaries for Teens” by Townsend. Hopefully this will help us both understand each other better and maybe she’ll understand better what healthy boundaries are when she reads it by someone else. I also told her that since she has ignored our counsel for months now, she will not be allowed to continue this relationship until she learns to establish healthy boundaries with him and all boys. Am I on the right track? What else can we do?”

Answer: You bring up a common question, how do parents teach adolescents appropriate boundaries, especially in romantic relationships. I’ll attempt to answer your questions and statement in the order you presented them. First of all I doubt that she is unaware of boundaries as she stated. Likely this is merely an “I didn’t know”, kind of justification for her overt public display of affection. Glad you spoke to him, this will help him have some sense of what your expectations are when he is with your daughter yet I am sure he’s confused as he sees that she is boundary-less in some respects. I might add though, to her credit, that she likely is either so infatuated and lost in the relationship with her boyfriend or so clueless to social cues that she to some degree is blind to the display of affection.

From your post it sounds like you are drawing some boundaries yourself with what you feel is and is not appropriate in the home. Now that you’d told her that she is not allowed to show affection to him in your home, have you in fact enforced it? If you have is it working? My thought here is that ‘grounding’ her per se from affection in the home may only encourage her to be ‘all over him’ outside the home. My suggestion would be to have her and him in your home and next time that they are over, I’d bring up the expectations you have in the open. Yes, this’ll heat up things in the kitchen and likely be uncomfortable for them both but again, you’ve laid down the rules and he cannot stop her and she is not listening. I’d confront them both as it is happening, with some comments. Not rude or demeaning or shameful ones but ones that open the topic up when things are happening. Something to another in the room that you are remarking about their behavior like, “Wow, the way Jennie’s got him pinned up against the wall stroking his hair is making me uncomfortable.” or “Jennie, I’ve told you not to make out with John in the kitchen, you know the rules. Will you please manage yourself?” then maybe ask of John something like, “John, how often does this happen with Jennie and is it like that when you are both alone.” Again, yes the questions may seem extreme but the fact is you have given her fair warning enough and she’s not getting the picture. Also, having an open discussion with her and her old siblings of the same gender may help too to do some mentoring and teaching. Yes, you are on the right track. Also, quashing the relationships until she can manager herself is warranted if after you have made multiple attempts to guide, teach, and correct her.

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Internet Safety and Privacy Issues with Kids

December 13, 2009 in Parenting, Teenagers by JustinS | No comments

facebookQuestion: “We are probably all familiar with the latest new website; Facebook. I was told by many that it is a clean and safe site, free of vulgarity and pornography and that it is filtered to be family safe. Upon entering myself and my daughter into their database and begining to download photos, and searching for family and friends, I noticed a vast array of inapropriate photos that were able to be posted. My daughter, my husband and myself have fallen victim to that quick photo that pops up that someone has chosen to post as their home photo. Everyone that is on Facebook can see it while looking for people. I have deleted my page and my dilema is this: How do I present my displeasure of this site to my daughter? She loves keeping up with her friends and family too, but this site is not safe for her. What words of advice are there for this situation? Please help me to protect my family concerning the dangers of the internet.”

Answer: I suggest you speak to your daughter about her hopes to facebook and social network online. No website online is technically clean as at any moment my blog or any other site owner can publish photos or other online content that may be offensive. Facebook cannot manage the millions of users worldwide that often post content that others feel is objectionable.

I’d first speak with your husband about your concerns. I’d them speak with your daughter about the nature of the content that you feel is not appropriate for her to see or be exposed too. I’d also encourage you to consider if this is a necessity for your daughter. How old is she? What is the nature of your relationship to her? How have you successfully spoken to her about other similar issues?

If you are going to allow her to have a Facebook account I’d recommend that you have access to it to monitor her contacts and the content on her site. Also, ensure you go in the security settings and deactivate the ‘allow nonfriends to view her friends list’ this will keep prying eyes from cracking into her account. Also, she need not post any personal information other than maybe email on her profile. You may want to read the article I wrote regarding Facebook.

Regarding content online I’d recommend K-9 web protection. It is really powerful and is offered at no cost. I also recommend OpenDNS, a free powerful program for content filtering. I run both of these on my systems at home with my own children and have attempted to ‘test’ their effectiveness. I have yet to be able to ‘get through’ the filters and they have many levels of protection. OpenDNS is also free.

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Angry Mom or Daycare?

November 24, 2009 in Toddlers by JustinS | No comments

veryangryQuestion: “I am a 30 year old married, LDS mother of two (ages 4 and 2). I am a stay at home mom and have been since my oldest was born. Since the birth of my second child two years ago I have experienced a decline in my happiness and ability to hold it together. I feel angry and tired. I feel lonely and sad. I am highly irritable and I am finding no pleasure or fulfillment in motherhood. I often wish I hadn’t had children. I go on drives alone in the car and scream and rage. I am an angry mom and I yell at my children. My husband is supportive, but certainly has limits. We have been to marital counseling. I am in the throws of a deep, seemingly unending depressive state and I can’t get out of it. In light of my complete dissatisfaction with being a stay at home mom, I am considering getting a full time job and finding a daycare solution for my children. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can take care of others because right now I can’t. So which is worse: A totally checked out, angry mom or daycare??”

Answer: I appreciate the question. It appears you are really struggling. You mentioned you are having difficulty with finding happiness and an ability to hold it together. I know with children that it can be very difficult to manage due to the emotional demands and small crisis that seem to occur by the minute with children at those ages. You posed a question postulating two answers, daycare or angry mom. I wish it were that simple. Having them in daycare may in fact help you get some breathing room but likely will not reach down and pull you from the depressive state you mentioned you are in. I don’t have all the details but you provided enough for me to answer here with some guidance. I’d suggest you move away from a linear solution, meaning the thought that it is the children solely that are causing what you referenced as “throws of a deep, seemingly unending depressive state”. You did candidly talk about your being in marital counseling as well. My question would be what are the assumptions, thought processes, and hopes you have as a mother currently? These likely are fueling your depression and felt sense of hopelessness. The driving alone and screaming in the car is not uncommon. I have spoken to male and female clients alike that have engaged in a ‘primal scream’ when alone upset with the overwhelming feelings of stress based on work or family. I know that must be really difficult to manage at this time.

Does finding a job and getting away from the children really help long term? Maybe. That is one solution of many. This solution is based upon the assumption that getting away from the children will in fact help alleviate your depression and felt sense of unhappiness. Granted, the kids are influencing your feeling overwhelmed I wonder if there are other things in your life that are fueling the depression. Your marriage? Inner issues, like self-esteem? On that same note, what does your husband think, is he supportive of having the kids in daycare?

My thought for you is to visit with your husband and iron out the list of options. I also suggest meeting with a therapist and sifting through the issues that are fueling the depression and unhappiness; I am confident that the kids are only a small piece of it. I’d suggest your getting into a more healthy place personally before you make a decision to put them in daycare. Bonding and attachment are key developmental tasks that, when interrupted, complicate and confuse the children that are familiar with you parenting them. I’m not an advocate of daycare in most cases, with some exceptions. If you have children and can raise them they’ll do best within your care. I do not recommend having others teach and nurture your own children, I feel that is  task for you and your husband. Now that stated, you’ll need to seek some professional guidance and really sort out the emotional and mental challenges. Also, are you on medication? Something to look into following a full course of counseling for depression. I’ve seen cases of parents completely overwhelmed with children that did some solid couples and individual counseling and are now able to reframe and rebuild the nature of the home and dynamics within it. They then found that they can be happy and could of been prior but were buried in frustration and fear of being trapped in with chaotic kids.

I realize your situation is  not as simple as putting them in daycare or being home and angry. I honestly feel you’ll need to do more of your own inner work before you can make a decision on what is best for your children and marriage.  Clearly you want to have the best for your children. From your post it is clear that you regret yelling and being angry with them. I have worked with mothers in the past that are frustrated and struggling to deal with their kids while finding happiness and enjoyment in such a taxing role. I recommend reading, A Joyful Mother of Children, a text about the very issue you are facing. Also, here are some good articles on the topic of motherhood. Also, you may want to read my previous post on depression as well.

Best of luck in your journey. On another note, the role you play is quite noble. Men don’t cry in battle for their fathers, they don’t become violent when their fathers are threatened, it is their mothers they look to. Their mothers, for most boys, are the bedrock they rely on. Don’t quit, your children are counting on you.

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Family Therapy As A Child With Mother

November 16, 2009 in Parenting by JustinS | No comments

Question: “When I was really young, about seven or eight, my mother opted to take us to therapy. She had been in and out of the hospital due to bi-polar disorder and there was a lot going on at home otherwise. As a single mother, I think her main concern was for my health. But when we got to the counselor, he told us to try this activity where my mom had to physically pull me off of a chair. What reason do you suppose he had to suggest this kind of therapy? What does it suggest about what he might have seen in our relationship? I’ve always been confused by this memory and I wonder to this day if there was something being suggested about my relationship with my mother that I was too young to understand at the time.”

Answer: I have so few details I am unable to ascertain what could of been the intention of the therapist. If I were clairvoyant I’d give you the answer but at this point with the details you provided all I can do is speculate, so I’ll do some speculation. Likely the therapist was trying to have your mother model something or engage in a manner in session as part of a greater discussion that you nor I have details on. Therapists would clearly not advocate or facilitate corporal punishment in the session. The nature of the relationship between you and your mother clearly cannot be flushed out by the scenario alone. My counseling to you would be to contact your mother and have her request copies of the clinical notes from the session, which she can do if the therapist is still living. I’d suggest you then attempt to piece together what the session was about and then glean some meaning. Lastly, I would not get too hung up on that incident as it may have little to do with you or your relationship with your mother at all, possibly. Also, are you confident that the therapist told your mother to pull you off the chair? Did she do it as a mother, not as a directive and you potentially ascribed it to the therapist’s counsel? With your mother’s bi-polar diagnosis you mentioned she could of intentionally on her own volition pulled you off in hast, upset, or irritation during session. Lots of questions, too few details. Best of luck on this one, sounds like you are thinking and wondering, that is good … but again, remember that too much analysis leads to ‘paralysis’.

Helping Children Regulate Emotion

October 29, 2009 in Parenting by JustinS | No comments

angryQuestion: I am an LDS mom of a highly intelligent 7 year old child. Besides praying and fasting, and talking with my Bishop, my husband & I have read several books on helping your gifted child, but I often feel like a failure. He has so many wonderful qualities. He loves the gospel & he loves to serve others. The issue lies with his lack of self-control. If things are not “perfect” or don’t go his way he has a complete meltdown. He doesn’t seem to care where he is, it can be at church, at a park, at the doctor’s office, etc. He will scream & cry and rip articles of clothing off. He’ll yell at the people standing around us & he’ll even punch himself. It is horrendous. I am just beside myself. Many people that we come in contact with assume that we are bad parents or that we indulge his every desire – this is quite contrary to the truth. My biggest concern is that people will never know the wonderful attributes that he has. He won’t be able to be an instrument in the Lord’s hands because everyone will be too afraid to disappoint him. After these tantrums he’ll often say that he wished he were dead. I think that it is only getting worse as he gets older & I’m afraid of losing my little boy. I’ve been trying to search for an LDS child psychologist that possibly specializes in gifted children. I live in the Sacramento are but I’m willing to travel to get the help that he needs. If you have any advice I would be so grateful. Thank you in advance.

Answer: I appreciate the question. If I understand you correctly it appears that your son is having some intense outbursts and really becoming emotionally reactive to you and your husband when he does not get his way. More than likely it is also connected to his inability to emotionally regulate and self-soothe in normal healthy ways when things don’t go his way. Typically children will learn these skills as they move out of their egocentric way of seeing the world. At seven he is still in a position of feeling like the ‘world revolves around him’ much of the time. The difficulty for you and your son at this time is  not the egocentrism, as that is part of normal development, but his lack of skills or knowledge about what to do when he is upset.

One my favorite therapists is Dr. John Gottman, out of Seattle. He wrote a textbook, cited below in recommendations, some time ago that may give you some solid research based ideas for helping your son learn to emotionally regulate. The book is not for him but for you as a parent. It primarily helps parents learn how to ‘emotionally coach’ children rather than simply asking, demanding, or otherwise trying to curb behavior. Please start reading it, I feel it could be of help to you. I’d spend less time in the gifted children’s  books and get a handle on coaching him through his difficulty in regulating his emotions. Based on his statement, “I wish I were dead” his little esteem is pretty low as he is starting to realize consciously that he is not like other seven year olds, that he blows his emotional gasket more often or in more intense ways that others. Another book you should look into that is for more routine issues for children his age is 1-2-3 Magic, see links in book recommendations below.

Also, I’d suggest getting a therapist to help you. Someone that is familiar with child development and works with children, especially those with a difficult temperament (yes your son is bright and talented according to your report) but is having a really difficult time managing and regulations his emotions. Also, I’d be careful how often you call him gifted, special, etc. as this can foster a self-focused egocentric view of himself and amplify the very behaviors you are trying to help him stop. Parents that are upset or ashamed of their child’s behavior in public often compliment them too often and ‘brag on them’ to overcompensate in their own minds that their child is ‘ok’ or to befriend the child with hopes that they will start to follow the parent due to the high esteem the parent places on the child in private or public.

Some things to think about would be what role you play in this as well as your husband. Looking at the ‘system’ and family climate can be helpful in understanding and helping create a context where he can more readily change. I am not inferring you cause this behavior but I am confident that you are interacting with it, sometimes positively other times negatively. You have got to be frustrated as a parent, that I completely understand. Also, did he have any problems while in the womb? Any significant delays eating, rolling over, crawling, walking?

I’d look less at the spirituality or faith of the therapist in this case. You need an expert that works with children in your area  (find someone with your general values, but I would not toss them out if they are not LDS as you are looking for experts that works with children). I have provided a link to all the therapists in your area that have systemic family and child training in Sacramento. http://www.therapistlocator.net/SearchUS.asp , these clinicians have the same credentialing as me and could work directly with you and your son. I would not be able to provide help for him directly as I do phone consultations, but would be happy to assist you in parent coaching via phone should you need/want that. I honestly feel the best course would be for you to find someone at the link above that is in your area that can guide you in finding the solutions you are seeking.

Recommended Books:

The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (123 Magic)

Hang on, you’re headed in the right direction. Enjoy your journey.

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