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My Husband Is “Intimately” Checked-Out – Help!

August 9, 2010 in Intimacy, Marriage, Sexuality, Uncategorized by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I’m a 30 year old LDS mother of three (4,3,1)and have been married to my husband(35 year-old) for 10 years. From when we got married and we started being intimate I got the feeling that my sex drive was a lot higher than my husband’s. I wanted to be intimate with him all the time and he didn’t seem as interested as me. I’m always the one asking my husband to be with me and sometimes I’m in luck but the other times I end up feeling rejected and feeling bad about myself. I’ve tried not to focus on that too much so I’ve been more focused on my kids, work and home. We have gone as long as 10 months without intimacy just because I didn’t say anything. He also very rarely kisses me on the lips. He thinks he only needs to kiss me when we actually get intimate, but sometimes all I want is a kiss and nothing else. I’m silently desperate for intimacy and romance from my husband. Is there something wrong with me or him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he changes the conversation and says I’m being silly. Help!!”

Answer: I appreciate your writing in. It is normal for couples when they first marry to be semi-unaware of the physical and emotional needs connected to sexual intimacy. Many couples marry and engage in a disproportionate amount of sexual intimacy due to the newness and excitement found in sexual connection. In time, most couples have a slow down, or period in which things become stable and consistent pattern of frequency come into play for how they connect sexually.

From your post it sounds like you are more sexually cued up that he is. I mean that your sexual energy and libido as it is called, is larger than his. This is not abnormal as I have worked with scores and scores of couples and no two partners typically have the exact same sexual frequency. In the literature they call it high-desire or low-desire. Again, neither is bad nor good as it is not a moral issue but it just is. The catch for couples, is that they learn to get into a pattern of what works for both partners and leaves the couple feeling enriched and bonded following the sexual connecting. It sounds as if you are approaching him for connection and he is less interested, which I’d frame as lower-desire. You may be interpreting it as less interested as in he is not ‘into’ you. I’d caution you on that. It may be that he is, but more than likely his sexual frequency is lower and thus his needs are different. Have you spoken to him about your feeling rejected or hurt when you’ve felt he is not interested in you sexually? I’d highly suggest speaking about it, or writing him a letter about it and then following it up with a conversation. He can’t understand you if you want him to simply figure out what you want by guessing. Most couples on average have sexual interaction at least weekly. According to research, couples that have sex 3x per week or more are considered high-desire and couples that are 1x every other week are low desire. Marriages with sex less than 1x in three months, are considered non-sexual marriages.

Intimacy is something that runs far deeper than sexual intercourse. Intimacy is clearly about union, closeness, and passion in the heat of a relationship. I feel your husband needs to re-evaluate his desires or lack thereof for intimacy and I don’t mean sex either. I am talking about his connection to you. For you, I’d recommend speaking to him about your needs and hopes from your heart. You mentioned talking to him about it and him responding you’re silly. I’d instead look deeper at how you are presenting yourself. You will teach him how to treat you by what you tolerate and put up with. I’d suggest approaching him in a different way in a way that will help him hear your heart not merely the words that he can avoid and minimize as silly. Also, affection and closeness with hugs, touch, and small kisses are part of a healthy marriage not just precursors and foreplay before sexual connection.

Clearly your talking about it together will provide the solutions for frequency and preferences. Good luck in your journey.

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Help, My Husband Has a Sexual Addiction

March 31, 2010 in Pornography by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I’ll be as concise as I can, but this is a bit of a complicated situation. I have known my husband since we were both 17 (we are now approaching age 50). We have been married for nearly 25 years. We have 4 children, and became members of the LDS Church when we were about 29 years old. A year later, In 1990, we were sealed in the temple. I thought my husband and I were best friends, faithful to one another, honest with each other, and quite content with our lives in general. We did face loss and grief: financial loss, loss of my father-in-law and mother-in-law, suicide of 2 of my husbands nephews, and the difficulties that raising very spirited (sometimes very difficult) children brought us. These occurred over the course of a couple of years. When I noticed my husband having difficulty functioning as well as he had in the past, I assumed it was because of these difficulties. He seemed to move past them in time. Three years ago I was helping my husband organize his desk when I noticed something wrapped up in a bag. I opened it and found a self-help tape called “How To Overcome Sexual Addiction”. I called my husband at work and questioned him about it. He said that he used to have a problem with pornography, but that he was over it. He had just been given the High Priesthood and put in as Second Counselor in the Bishopric in our church ward. Over the next few days I found out that he had still had problems just a couple of months prior to my finding that tape. He didn’t offer to counsel with the Bishop, but I mentioned that I needed to talk with the Bishop about this, and we both ended up counseling with him. Our bishop was new and quite inexperienced in this area, and assumed his repentance was complete, and kept him in the Bishopric. Over the next year I was shocked repeatedly as I found out the extent of his problem. He had not “slept” with anyone, or had emotional relationships with anyone, but he had many “lap dances” at clubs, obviously with topless and mostly bottomless women, he had phone sex, he had done other things that were offered at sex shops. This was much more extensive than I originally thought, in fact I didn’t even realize that some of these things existed. I was sheltered growing up, and just wasn’t exposed to this sort of thing. During this year my husband read a 12 step book, which he worked on diligently, and he assured me he was a changed man, fully repentant. The real shocker for me came when I said I needed him to take a lie detector test, about a year into this whole discovery. I needed to know if he had molested our children (any children), had intercourse with anyone else since our marriage, and other things. Anyhow, he came out clean on those points, however before having the test he told me that for half of this second year he was back into the pornography. I was devastated. I was also shocked to learn during the following year that, although my first sexual experience was with him at age 18, his first sexual experience was with a prostitute at age 17. I had been previously traumatized when, after having sex with me (a virgin who expected that he was one too, having had a conversation about that before hand), he told me the next morning that he had already been with someone else (aside from the prostitute, who I just recently found out about). I went haywire and became promiscuous for a couple of years before marriage after finding out about him, and realizing that a marriage proposal was not going to happen any time soon (as he made clear to me). I felt totally ruined, as virginity was sacred to me. Ok, so after marriage, I assumed that all of our old sexual childishness was over and that we would always keep our vows with complete fidelity, which I did, but obviously he didn’t. Recently, he has assured me that he was totally clean from all of this, but I found out that he lied to me again, saying that he hadn’t been on a particular website (Real Housewives of New York City), when he actually had been. He didn’t see “anything”, so he assures me, but he was on the site at 1 in the morning, and the woman he showed interest in was this coming playboy’s cover girl. He insists he was interested in their gossipy lives. Ok, then, why the lie? I lost it at that point, and suggested a trial separation, but during a temple recommend interview the stake president assured me that separation is not the answer and that complete assurance and peace about a divorce is the only way that it is acceptable. Well, I have neither assurance from above or any peace at this point. I have a family counting on me to do what’s right, which is likely to stay and make this whole thing work. My worry is a selfish one, what about me? I feel trashed and humiliated and cheapened. Help???”

Answer: I appreciate your question. The pain and trauma that you have experienced during the continued discoveries of his sexual encounters must be so painful. From what you stated it appears that you are dealing with a mountain of hurt and betrayal. I know that must be so difficult as you had hoped and felt he was faithful but clearly is not at this point. He clearly does have a sexual addiction and is not sober, at least not now. His justifications about being interested in gossipy lives and saying he has it under control is clearly a denial as to the problem since if he were really working on it he’d of included you and the Lord in his own recovery. Sexual addiction is powerfully, as it involved God-given drives, chemical changes in the body, and can become a crutch to cope with emotional challenges. Beginning with his sexual encounter with a prostitute at 17 and then the series of lap dances, bouts with online porn while alone, and the rationalizations he is offering you indicate to me that he is in fact not sober and if in recovery is likely failing currently at getting a handle on his addiction. I imagine he must be in a world of shame and hurt as well. Shame as he knows that he is living a lie and lying to you as well. He likely is coping with the porn and hoping that it’ll go away but as the research indicates pornography addiction does not ‘go away’ without significant clinical intervention. Oxytocin and Serotonin are released in the brain during sexual arousal while he is engaging in this erotic and fantasy laden sexual encounters. His brain is an organ, and the power of these chemicals, in addition to his own emotional needs are part of what rivets him to his addiction.

My counsel for you is to confront him. He is in denial and needs more than a talk tape or book. The stories you shared and likely the ones you don’t know about are fueling his addiction and it will likely continue as it is just that, an addiction and addictions don’t stand to reason as the brain (not his spirit) is amoral and just wants more and more. I recommend you confront him that he get help, serious professional help. Part of his recovery will be working through understanding how he is benefiting from the porn and encounters and helping him get out of denial and into working through it, not avoiding it. For you I recommend you read this book titled, Confronting Your Spouse’s Pornography Problem.

I also recommend you find a solid LDS counselor that has training and a history working with sexual addictions. You need support and help as you navigate the pain you are bearing with the news that your husband is addicted and thus acting out in ways that jeopardize the marriage covenant and the future of the marriage. You are not alone. Please see my other inquiries that others have made regarding this topic of pornography and sexual addiction. You are not selfish for speaking out, but courageous. It is imperative that you draw a line in the sand. Your demanding respect, virtue, and love from him is one of the only ways for him to hit bottom and then realize he is in need of help. His problem will not go away and it is up to him to get the help and work through it.

Feel free to contact me and I can assist you in finding a therapist in your area with the right training to help guide and support you as you confront and work with you husband.

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How Can I Help My Husband Stop Porn Habit?

January 18, 2010 in Intimacy, Pornography by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “My husband and I have been married for 7 years. While we were dating he told me he had an addiction to pornography since someone showed him a magazine when he was 8. He cried when he told me and assured me it was something he was working on and would not let continue. Over the first few years of our marriage I would either find something on the computer or he would feel guilty and confess on his own to me when he had “slipped up”. He could go months without viewing it and then go back. I got to the point where I was sick of asking him how he was doing on it since I was always scared to hear a negative answer and I found he would just lie until he was ready to confess anyways. Other than this issue, he is a perfect husband. He helps me around the house, is a hard worker, a wonderful father and my best friend. He has been to different bishops about it (since we move so often) but has never had temple worthiness revoked. In fact, a couple years ago he was made a high-priest. It has been a couple years since we have dealt with this issue so I thought maybe he was doing better but this morning I sound several porn links on his pocket pc (and he knows I check the history periodically). It also appears as it instead of just looking at pictures like he used to, there were links for video clips. I’m freaking out! It’s getting worse? I always kinds thought how guilty he felt about his little slip ups would prevent him from taking it any further. I realize he probably needs outside help, as do I since this is not really doing wonders for my self-esteem. What else can I do to help him? I don’t want to make him feel so guilty or bad that he feels hopeless about quitting but I want to help him stop. I wouldn’t ever want to consider divorce over something like this but I find myself thinking about the possibility of him leaving me or me having to leave him if it ever got too bad. Please help give me any tips for myself or him.”

Answer: I am glad you are reaching out for support. I can imagine you are pretty hurt and upset with his porn use that has lingered for years and appears to be getting worse. Stopping pornography can be harder than some substance addictions, like oxycontin or heroin. I have worked personally with scores of men that are addicted. These are successful, seemingly happy, but addicted men. They often live two lives and find themselves hiding and using their secret addiction to soothe and meet emotional and or sexual needs.

Yes, he does need clinical help. He will not kick it on his own and even if he did have the capacity to do it (he would of years ago if this was the case) he does not have an objective clear view that would help him assess his needs, his insecurities, and his doubts. He may not feel an impetus to change as he does not have a lot of pressure from you or so it appears from your post. He also may not hit rock bottom and feel like it is a significant issue unless he feels and comes to know that it hurts you, and it hurts you badly. It can and will destroy your marriage. I have worked with many couples that are battling it, don’t mistake, it is addictive and will lead him to objectify you and fantasize about other women; he needs help.

I recommend that you get some counseling help. I also recommend you read my other posts on the subject of pornography. http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/blog/?cat=31

Listen to a good audio clip about how porn impacts the minds of men, 5 min. clip here: http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/audio/jason-evert.mp3

I have provided a list of links of articles that I feel can help you heal.
Is Pornography That Harmful? (Recommended)
Breaking the Chains of Pornography – LDS Ensign
Leaving Pornography Behind – LDS Ensign (Recommended)

Get a longer list of articles from the LDS Church.

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Curiosity and Sexual Touching With Young Children

January 17, 2010 in Teaching Morality by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I have a 6 year old daughter who is curious about her body. She unfortunately does not know what to do with that. She was caught earlier this year at school with a couple of boys in the bathroom touching each others genitalia. Then just recently she had another occurrence with another boy that was very similar. My wife and I are unsure how we can trust her, and what we should say to her to let her know how serious this issue is. I asked her how she felt when she thought about that, she said she felt bad, I tried to explain that she was feelings promptings that she should not do this, but I don’t know where to go from here. Any suggestions?”

Answer: I appreciate your inquiry. Your post indicates that your daughter has had two encounters with boys in which there was sexual touching. Many children at that age are curious and know of the ‘secret’ or ‘private’ parts of their bodies, even at six years old. I am presuming from her age that she is in either kindergarten or first grade. It is not uncommon for parents to find six year old boys playing with their genitals or making jokes about their penis or being curious about one anothers body parts. My concern is not her curiosity at this point, as that is normal. My concern is her curiosity had moved to exploring with multiple boys. You did not mention how old the boys were but even if they were her own age, 6, you have reason to be concerned. When I say concerned, I mean that teaching and helping her have a sense of boundaries and privacy is in short order. I would suggest speaking to her about the nature of our bodies and the sacredness of them. Speaking less about morality at this point and more about commandments and boundaries would be key. I would also find out what she did with the boys as well.  It is important to remember that guilt is normal as she feels according to your post, ‘bad’ for what she did. Ensure you let her discomfort with it be the end of it, and don’t shame her.  Guilt is the feeling that she did something wrong, and shame is guilt with an added layer of  “I am a bad and flawed me.”  Shame is toxic and can influence self-esteem and future relationships with boys and others. So, ensure you discuss her feelings and help her see that boundaries were crossed and that the touching was not appropriate. Ensure that you do not shame her during this process and reassure her that we all make mistakes and that you still love her and think she is a wonderful little girl. Your tone, body posture, and word usage will convey this love and reassure her that she can trust your constant love. Teach her to respect herself and others by establishing appropriate boundaries in the future.

Resources: CD/Activity books focused on teaching children to protect their minds and respect their bodies: http://www.britemusic.com/safety-kids-3-protect-their-minds-cd and http://www.britemusic.com/safety-kids-1-personal-safety-cd

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Is my boyfriend gay? Should I stay with him?

January 8, 2010 in Sexuality by JustinS | No comments

Question: “My boyfriend and I have been ‘together’ for about 2 years now. We’re both sophomores in college and at the start of last semester he broke up with me and became a totally different person. One thing he struggled with was his sexuality and he participated in gay sex while we were separated. Recently we decided to try and work things out between us and and after dropping the bomb about his having sex with a man he insists that the sex was just to fill a curiosity. However, he also says that on a physical level he finds men more attractive than women, but that he is much more interested in an emotional connection and he says that he will be attracted sexually to anyone he falls ! in love with (he says he’s in love with me and finds me sexually attractive). I love him very much, but I am just torn about continuing a relationship with him. I don’t know if I can get over the fact that he slept with a man. It especially hurts because all along during our separation he repeatedly told me he wanted to work things out, but then I find out he slept with someone else. When he broke up with me he also promised not to sleep with or become intimate with a woman until he was married. I thought at the time it was dumb of him to make a promise like that since he didn’t know what the future held, but since he did promise it I now find myself upset with him for not only breaking the promise, but making it in the first place. The thing I think hurts the most about the whole situation is that when we were together we decided not to have sex; he wanted to wait until marriage. So now I am also feeling kind of cheated, betrayed and not good enough because not only! did he go out and break his vow with someone else, it was with a man. I can’t look at him without thinking about him and the guy together and I find myself obsessing about the whole situation all the time. Is there hope for me to get over this so we can move on with our relationship?”

Answer: I appreciate your writing in and for the details of the situation as this will help me be able to speak to your situation much more clearly. You mentioned in your post that “he struggled with was his sexuality and he participated in gay sex”. I am sure that was not only a betrayal but a shock to you as well. On the former though, you did say he struggles with his sexuality, and I am not entirely sure what this means but I’ll try and put the pieces together here. You are dating this man who has told you or indirectly communicated that he struggles with his sexual orientation. Then during your separation, he ended up in a sexual encounter with another man, right? So, if I have it correct, you are asking if their is hope for your relationship? It is interesting that he claims he wants no intimacy with you and wants to ‘save’ it till marriage then after the breakup has sex with another man and claims it was out of curiosity. I might then ask you, why are you wanting to stay with a guy that claims he wants to save intimacy and sexual behavior till after marriage and ends up with another man? You mentioned, “I am also feeling kind of cheated, betrayed and not good enough because not only! did he go out and break his vow with someone else, it was with a man.” and I completely understand. I have worked with many types of individuals, both gay and straight. What I find is that ones sexual orientation is not merely a choice something they turn and off. Their behavior is a choice but inclinations and the like often are complex.  So, I would not recommend laying hold to the idea that just because he was experimenting with gay sex that he can simply change that, and now want to be involved with you. I have worked with many gay men, both LDS and not and find that their sexuality is a complex interaction between several things: how they were socialized as kids, their own temperament, inner inclinations, etc that are not always simply a choice. So, with that stated, I have serious reservations in your lining up with a man that is following his homosexual inclinations if you plan on living a heterosexual relationship with him. Bottom line is that he misled you already, saying he wanted intimacy and sex after marriage and now has been with another man. I would suggest your digging deeper into what it is you want. Here are a few questions: Do you want to be with a guy that is unsure if he is gay or straight or just experimenting? What is keeping you with him despite his misleading you then after the gay sex telling you that he was just curious? If you would like to try and work it out what do you think it will take for you to move beyond what he did? If you do stay with him and get married, how and what will you do if after a month or two of marriage he has sex with another man? Lots of questions, large questions that raise some serious doubt. I know it is not easy, I am sure you care about him, likely a lot, if not you’d of left him by now after the incident. I’d suggest your evaluating less of his behavior and analysis of his sexuality and more about what it is that you want and what you can and cannot tolerate.

Take some time, write down the questions I posed above and look over your answers to my questions, then decide. Doing so will help clear the smoke of doubt and confusion once you do some journaling about it.

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Intimacy Struggles, Help!

December 16, 2009 in Intimacy, Sexuality by JustinS | No comments

Question: “Hi. My husband and I have had struggles with intimacy. He wants more frequently and different options, and I have been struggling with getting used to it and feeling like the situation more. We’ve been married for two years, and still have complications in this area. What can I do to help myself feel more comfortable with my husband?”

Answer: I know dealing with intimacy in a marriage can be difficult. I have worked with many couples that are troubled with their ability to connect intimately. Intimacy does  not necessarily mean sex but it does mean bonding, closeness, passion, and connection. A few questions for you to consider. Have you discussed your sexual struggles with your husband? Often tension and fear permeates these situations and couples struggle in silence fearing to discuss the issues openly as they are often afraid they might injure or hurt their spouse. Talking openly and freely about your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions is key to building a strong relationship. If you want to work through the issues talking about them is key. I’d suggest talking to your husband about the nature of his wants/needs with regard to frequency and ‘options’ as you called them. Have you discussed it? How did it go? I am not entirely sure here what you are referencing but my suggestion is that you do some reading and get educated on intimacy and sexuality in the context of a healthy sexual LDS marriage relationship. After reading the article I authored below and the texts you will have a basis and grasp of how to work with your husband. For more immediate help, you can schedule a time to have a phone consultation with me as well.

I suggest you read my online article on this subject, LDS Couples and Sexual Intimacy as well as a previous post for newlyweds on this issue.

I also suggest you read these two books as well. Go buy a copy and start reading, you’ll be glad to did.
1) And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment
2) Purity and Passion, Wendy Watson Nelson, Ph.D.

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Struggling with Pornography, Who Should I Tell?

December 6, 2009 in Pornography by JustinS | 2 comments

Question: “I am a young woman; I am about to become a laurel and I am addicted to pornography, my problem is not only that but it is pictures of women, I don’t find myself attracted to women but I just cant stop looking at it. I want to talk to my bishop about it but he always praises me for being such a righteous young women and I know I just cant talk to him yet. I want to ask my parents to help me see a therapist but I dont know how to ask. This addiction is causing so much regret and problems for me. I don’t want to lie anymore but if I tell the truth my life will never be the same and I don’t want to lose my friends and family. Can I repent without telling someone I know or telling anyone at all?”

Answer: I want to applaud your courage in writing in with your question. I first want to say that you can get help; you can and will heal. The first step to stopping the addiction is breaking the silence, speaking out. From your post I can tell that you are experiencing two things that most individuals caught in dependency or addiction, these are shame and guilt. Guilt is an emotion that influences us to feel bad for what we have done. Shame is a step beyond that, it influences one to feel that they are bad, flawed, or unforgivable for their actions or thoughts. I want you to know that you can be forgiven and can move beyond the pornography. It must be so difficult to feel that you can’t talk to anyone about the pornography. It is normal at your age to be curious about the body, both women’s and men’s bodies. It is also just as normal to want to explore and understand the nature of our bodies and how they work; you are completely normal in this. The difficulty with pornography is that it distorts the senses and warps perception. Many at your age venture in out of curiosity and then find themselves stimulated and even more curious resulting in secretive addiction they don’t feel they can stop. I’ve worked with numerous young men that also get caught in the web of pornography. The pornography is more than naked bodies, it is created by experts that spend millions to stimulate and draw their viewers in and eventually addict you. Your verbiage in your post indicates that they are ‘hooking’ you as you stated “I just can’t stop looking at it”. See the video below; web developers doctor up and alter images to ‘hook’ and create a reality that is not even real with men and women.

It must be difficult to hear your Bishop praise you for being so good when inside you know that you have done otherwise. I want you to know that you can come to him. What you tell your Bishop is confidential, meaning that he does not tell your parents etc. I suggest you speak to him, book an appointment and then open up and share with him what has happened. He can help you, he is the Lord’s shepherd to guide you. You mentioned that you might lose your family and friends if you come out with this. That thought is really common, that your world will crash down if you reveal the truth in an attempt to begin to heal.  Satan prompts this lie daily to those with pornography problems, that is why they stay stuck, they feel if they open and and get help that they will be rejected by those they love.  This is a great lie and could not be farther from the truth. It is in the getting help and opening up that you heal. Repentance will take your speaking with your Bishop and going to the Lord. You are not alone. I work with teens and adults every week, many of whom are dealing with the same problem. I have seen them work, pray, and stop pornography and heal. It takes help from professionals and most importantly your work with the Lord. Typically those I have worked with that are involved in pornography do not lose their membership and are not disfellowshipped. (Men and women that are temple endowed and hold the priesthood complicate the picture and can be disfellowshipped etc. due to the covenants they have made.) In your case, your Bishop will visit with you about the history and severity of the problem and work with you. Don’t hold back from talking with him due to fear of your membership. Remember, his job is to keep sheep in the fold, not push them out; he will hear, listen, and help you.

I know the fear, guilt, and shame must be overwhelming. I also know that you want to heal. In your post you mentioned wanting to talk to a therapist and not knowing how to talk to your parents about getting a therapist. Drop me an email, my email can be found here and I can give you more specifics on how to visit with your Bishop and parents about the issue.  Peace and healing are possible!

I have provided a list of links of articles that I feel can help you heal.
Is Pornography That Harmful? (Recommended)
Breaking the Chains of Pornography – LDS Ensign
Leaving Pornography Behind – LDS Ensign (Recommended)

Get a longer list of articles from the LDS Church.

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Should I start my daughter on birth control?

October 15, 2009 in Teaching Morality by JustinS | No comments

pills

Question: “I’m in a pickle. My daughter is 16 and could be having sex, …  I think. I recently found some condoms she had hidden in her bedroom when I was looking with her for an outfit she claims I lost in the wash! I was shocked and then asked her about it and she said she had not had sex but that she had the condoms just in case. She has a boyfriend but denies having sex with him. I don’t have evidence that she is sexually active yet I now have the condoms, how do I proceed? My husband says it may be a phase and that we should take them from her but not over-react. If she is having sex shouldn’t I start her on birth control? I am an active Mormon mother and don’t want to over-react nor do I want her having sex! I’m eager for some answers, thanks in advance.

teenagegirlAnswer:  I appreciate the question. Yes, you are in a pickle but you still have many options and solutions that are within your reach. I don’t have all the details per your posted question but do have enough to at least begin to start answering the questions you posed and give you some guidance. First to clarify, adolescence can be such a beautiful time for growth and self-exploration. Many teens seem to reel with excitement when given attention and at times affection from those of the opposite sex. Their understanding of themselves and how they relate to others is just beginning to blossom in new ways. At the same time, they are also coming to understand that they are sexual beings. Sexual feelings begin to stir when your daughter is engaged and ‘hanging out’ with other boys. These feelings, unfortunately are starting earlier and earlier in girls as a result of spiritual bombardment in the media with images, innuendos, and provocative dress. Your daughter is on a journey to find herself and the journey of connection and intimacy is normal and healthy. It is clear that she likely is wanting support and affection from her boyfriend as well. Seeking validation and a ‘litmus test’ on whether or not she’s worth it and beautiful is a process that most adolescents pass through. Her boyfriend is on some level providing this. So to sum this part up, your daughters having sexual feelings and wanting to act on those is completely normal. The real key here is what she does with those inner stirrings.

Now, you stated a few of the facts that I’ll reconfirm. She has stated to you that she intends or hopes to have sex in her reply to you with ‘just in case’. I’d interpret the ‘just in case’ as a clear statement that she intends on having sex with her boyfriend if she has not already. Possibly, she already is and replied with a retort of ‘just in case’ to fend you off. Often teens lie in the heat of the moment but later will disclose more of what is really happening. I’d conclude and presume that she is having sex until you can confirm otherwise.

How to proceed? First you need to get on the same page with your husband. I’d suggest having a long discussion with him about his impressions and thoughts. I’d also suggest prayer and pondering as well. Pleading for answers and promptings for moments to ‘teach’ your daughter are key.  You’ve really got a few options.

I’d recommend sitting down with her after you have found a ‘open’ window within which she will not just hear you but can engage and listen. Don’t do all the talking, pace the conversation with questions and dialogue about how she feels and gently but clearly tell her of your concerns about the condoms and inquire more about her sexual behavior. Listen, Listen, Listen. Too often parents are so busy telling, preaching, pleading, explaining the spiritual ramifications, etc that they fail to listen to what the teen is trying to say. For example, if she were to put her head down and get really quiet she may be saying, “Mom I feel really embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t know how to talk about it.” Reading this cue can help guide your next comments and the way you listen. There is no ‘right way’, but listening and really talking openly about it without shaming, guilting, or threatening is the only way you can open up a dialogue with her to find out if she is having sex with her boyfriend or others. Ideally the conversation opens up dialogue in more depth about intimacy. You then can share your understanding that the feelings she is having are real and natural yet need to be controlled with in the guidelines the Lord has set, within a marriage. Again, don’t preach too much but simply listening and dialoguing is key.

Ideally you will be able to discuss with her and help her see that sex prior to marriage is not only spiritually harmful but also risky and leads to more problems for her. Hopefully following your conversation with her you will feel more connected and aware of her needs and where she is at with the issues.

Now, if you find she is having sex and she is unwilling to stop I’d suggest putting her on birth control. I’ve had LDS parents upset with this recommendation, that did not follow my advice and end up with their teen daughters pregnant; in fact I’ve had two cases like this in the past few years. They feel that if they give the teen birth control then it gives them more freedom. While this seems true on the surface is really is not upon further review. Often if they are going to have sex no matter what their parents say, they end up doing it with or without a condom. I do not and have not advocated birth control in schools or that parents provide it but when you have a teen that is continuing to have sex you have two choices: gamble and hope they don’t get pregnant, or put them on birth control and work with them to get grounded with principles and gospel truth with the hope they’ll come around. The decision is up to the parents but clearly one to be made by fasting and prayer as well as thoughtful consideration.

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Pornography Use In My Marriage

September 22, 2009 in Pornography by JustinS | No comments

thatbadQuestion: “I am a Mormon member that is currently in good standing with the church. I occasionally (not every time) I have sex with my wife look at a porn magazine to get us going. We are completely committed to each other. She is ok with it, I think it seems to get her in a sex kind of mood. I realize that porn for those that are single is not right but what about for a married man that just wants to spice it up? We don’t do anything kinky or weird either.”

Answer: I appreciate your question. I’ve worked with couples in similar situations. My answer will be brief here as I don’t have all the details and history regarding your pornography use and that nature of the sexual behavior but I do have enough for a response here.  Pornography impact the male brain in clearly different ways than a female brain. Men, more often than not, are visually stimulated. Most women on the other hand are driven more by connection and verbiage from their spouse. The difficultly with your use of pornography is that you are using it as a stimulus to arouse you and move your mind into sexual behavior and thinking. My concern is that you are using the sexual images to arouse you and thus your wife is merely a byproduct of the sexual thinking, that comes after you are aroused. The difficulty with pornogaphy is that it numbs the senses. The relationship, bond, and beauty of your wife is what typically arouses sexually healthy men. My concern is you are using static images outside of your marriage to get ‘turned on.’ I have worked with many couples, some now divorced that started viewing sexually explicit content in an attempt to ‘spice it up’ and ended up slowly but surely looking outside of their marriage for satisfaction. Sexual behavior is a relational activity, not merely a biological one. If you are consuming the pornography like you would a food you are merely trying to get your appetites met, not bond, build, and connect.  Sexual arousal releases chemicals in your brain that your brain, a simple organ, wants to replicate just as it would nicotine, pizza, or ice-cream. The difficulty is that our bodies are hardwired to want to increase please and to also be sexual. It is during this consumption of porn that individuals become demanding and selfish. That is my fear for you and your spouse, that you will become more liberal with your sexuality and not find pleasure and arousal with each other, but with things or people that are not even real to you. The fact of the matter is, the women you are using to get aroused by are someones mother, someones sister, and possibly someones wife. When you leave the safety of your marriage and that commitment/covenant you will find yourself thrown into a sea of venues that promise fulfillment and excitement but lead you to a place of loneliness and sorrow. Church leaders have been clear, most have referred to it as ‘a plague’.

My questions with that are the following:

  • Is your wife really happy that you use porn prior to sexual activity with her? How can you be sure?
  • Do you fantasize about these women you view while having sex or being sexual with your wife?
  • How often do you find yourself ”rubber necking’ as you watch women in your everyday life and you consider them in an objectified and sexual way?
  • What does your spirit tell you? Is your sexual encounter or experience with your wife more about getting it on and done or about connecting, feeling, and enjoying each other?

Please read my article on pornography use and its impact on individuals and their relationships.  I have some resources and links within it about assessing if you are addicted to pornography or sexual behavior.

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