Answer: I appreciate your writing in. I know that this time must be difficult for you. I first want to applaud your willingness to help this young lady as it sounds like things are tumultous at home for her. Her parents sound as if they are upset and have had it with her and the daughter appears to be feeling pretty smothered by what she’d see as controlling parents.

I’ll first toss out a few dynamics that I can see from your post. First off, your husband and you are in a dual relationship with her family. Your husband agreed along with you to take this young lady in to give her and her parents a break from each other. Your husband is not just a friendly church member but also serves with this girls father in church. The fact is, if you are not careful here, the relationship between your husband and her peer in church service could also fall into major tension and conflict. I think that your being more clear and less worried about what her or her parents think can help you be most helpful to them and get her on her way and back in her home sooner.  I can imagine this must be hard for your husband as well in light of his role at church. Clearly her being there has impacted your sexual intimacy and functioning in your home with it being so small.  As it has impacted you, having her head home sooner than later will be best.

Here are my recommendations and thoughts. First of all, much of what you are aware of is from the teenager’s report. I am not insinuating that she is lying but you’ve only got half the story. Your husbands talking with her father would help to yield more of the truth. The family clearly needs family therapy. If half of what this young lady reports is true, she’ll clearly need to have the parents and her work through a bunch of things in order for harmony to prevail in the home. I’d also recommend that this girl’s younger sibling also get help for the violent outbursts that she get’s in as well. I would not let her be in your home for more than another day or two. You are trying to help, giving her a place to cool down and then head back home is about all you can do. Listening to and supporting her getting help is a key as well. Validating (not agreeing) with her is key to helping her feel heard and supported. Encourage her to speak to he parents and request help. Your husband’s telling them he feels they need a family counselor would be helpful and needful too. Additionally your being clear and direct with her family is key too. Don’t toss her under the bus by revealing all the details she gave you in her stories but do have your husband speak to her father about the situation and her needing to come back home this week.

Again, don’t worry so much about what this girl or her family things of you or your husband. If you really do in fact care about her and them you’ll love them enough to tell them the hard things. Telling her she has to go back home, telling the parents they need family therapy, etc. It’s hard, I know it is. As a neighbor and friend you can lift and help them grow by doing the difficult things. Focus on how this might help them and toss ideas about fearing that you’ll step on any toes. Best of luck in your journey, God bless you for helping them out and reaching out to them!

Here’s the quick synopsis …  She’s single with four kids and works two jobs. To complicate things Jeanette has polycystic kidney disease, a hereditary condition that killed both her mother and grandmother.

She has a living donor that is an exact match for her kidney but cannot afford the surgery. Mighty you help Jeanette in some way? Giving a donation or spreading the word on your Facebook or email?

Read about her story and donate,  I just did ! Jeanette Bracken Kidney Transplant Fund page

http://www.jeanettebracken.com

“They tell me I’m a prime candidate for a transplant because, aside from my kidneys, I’m healthy,” she says. “My youngest little boy … he’s praying for me every day to get a kidney. He’s 9.”

At some point, though, the disease causes kidney failure, which is fatal without dialysis. Dialysis is the artificial replacement for kidney function, which is necessary to remove waste from the body.

That’s why Jeanette goes to dialysis three days a week. It’s keeping her alive.

Answer: I appreciate your writing in. It is normal for couples when they first marry to be semi-unaware of the physical and emotional needs connected to sexual intimacy. Many couples marry and engage in a disproportionate amount of sexual intimacy due to the newness and excitement found in sexual connection. In time, most couples have a slow down, or period in which things become stable and consistent pattern of frequency come into play for how they connect sexually.

From your post it sounds like you are more sexually cued up that he is. I mean that your sexual energy and libido as it is called, is larger than his. This is not abnormal as I have worked with scores and scores of couples and no two partners typically have the exact same sexual frequency. In the literature they call it high-desire or low-desire. Again, neither is bad nor good as it is not a moral issue but it just is. The catch for couples, is that they learn to get into a pattern of what works for both partners and leaves the couple feeling enriched and bonded following the sexual connecting. It sounds as if you are approaching him for connection and he is less interested, which I’d frame as lower-desire. You may be interpreting it as less interested as in he is not ‘into’ you. I’d caution you on that. It may be that he is, but more than likely his sexual frequency is lower and thus his needs are different. Have you spoken to him about your feeling rejected or hurt when you’ve felt he is not interested in you sexually? I’d highly suggest speaking about it, or writing him a letter about it and then following it up with a conversation. He can’t understand you if you want him to simply figure out what you want by guessing. Most couples on average have sexual interaction at least weekly. According to research, couples that have sex 3x per week or more are considered high-desire and couples that are 1x every other week are low desire. Marriages with sex less than 1x in three months, are considered non-sexual marriages.

Intimacy is something that runs far deeper than sexual intercourse. Intimacy is clearly about union, closeness, and passion in the heat of a relationship. I feel your husband needs to re-evaluate his desires or lack thereof for intimacy and I don’t mean sex either. I am talking about his connection to you. For you, I’d recommend speaking to him about your needs and hopes from your heart. You mentioned talking to him about it and him responding you’re silly. I’d instead look deeper at how you are presenting yourself. You will teach him how to treat you by what you tolerate and put up with. I’d suggest approaching him in a different way in a way that will help him hear your heart not merely the words that he can avoid and minimize as silly. Also, affection and closeness with hugs, touch, and small kisses are part of a healthy marriage not just precursors and foreplay before sexual connection.

Clearly your talking about it together will provide the solutions for frequency and preferences. Good luck in your journey.

Answer: I am glad you wrote in with your question. It appears that you have a myriad of feelings related to your boyfriend and that you are internally pretty conflicted as to what you should do in terms of the relationship with him. I’ll cover a few points that were apparent in your question that I feel are key for you to understand.

I’d first consider what your parents think of him. How much do you care about what they think? If you really feel their sanction and support is key you might be in for a long haul with him if they are less than supportive of him. That being said, I feel you should do what you want, not what others want or decide to do things to keep your parents happy. You are an adult and the choices you make are yours. Don’t be a slave to their perceptions, if in fact it is true love you’ll regret you fell victim to their thoughts and didn’t follow your heart in staying with him.

You mention religion and spirituality. You speak about your wanting to have a unified relationship but that you are both split on spiritual matters. This likely will become a major concern in later years, especially with kids. His attending church and being a passive participant will likely not last in terms of your hopes for a temple marriage. If you feel he is not or will not marry you in the temple, how much are you willing to risk or wait? If not and you are set on marrying in the temple and you feel he’ll leave you or break up with you if that is your hope then why are you still with him? Again, it’d be helpful for you to make a list of your priorities in rank order of what is most important to you and then gather your thoughts on what you are willing to compromise on and what you won’t. This spirituality issue seems to be a large on that you may not compromise on and if that is the case, I do not recommend marrying him with hopes he’ll come around to what you want. Statistics show and scores of couples I work with indicate that spiritual compliance early on is typical but doesn’t last as living the gospel takes work, time, and internal commitment … his going to please you won’t last so don’t count on his changing on your account.

It is clear that you are internally conflicted about whether to stay or go with him. You said, “I feel like I’m compromising too much of the way I lead my life” and my thought is if you are in fact compromising too much then why are you still with him. Your yielding too much of your core beliefs and values can create a foundation for conflict and tension that is starting now in courtship can grow into a heated distant marriage in the future. Later in your post you said, “I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m going to regret everything if we do something drastic” I’d follow your heart. You have the capacity to know what works for you and what makes you feel fulfilled and happy. I would not enter into a marriage with trepidation and doubt since jobs, children, etc bring on stresses that test even the best marriages and if you are having serious doubts I would caution you to seriously think through what you really want.

Does he have the characteristics of the man you want to marry and be with here and in eternity? If not what does he have that you value and that you want as a part of the relationship? Clearly you care about him very much and have developed an attachment, based on your verbiage above about your wanting to be with him much of the time. My concern is in your statement, ‘I always want to be with him, even when I know he’s not perfect but I don’t feel like anyone is perfect.’ Yes, nobody is perfect but if he is a good or great person that does not espouse the core attributes and beliefs you feel are key for your future and relationship then I would caution you about subjugating your core beliefs with hope that things will get better as he has his beliefs and they are as real to him as yours are to you and he is entitled to those.

My counsel for you would be to do some writing, make a list of the most significant priorities to you in rank order from most important to least important. Don’t think about the relationship, the attachment, about loving or hurting him, etc. just simply iron out independent of him or others you may date what is key for you. Then make the non-negotiable with the negotiable. Once you have some clarity with what you want stick to that. Marriage is far to wonderful and far to complicated at times to enter into with doubts and concerns like you have raised.

I’d suggest you both take the professional assessment called Relate, something I recommend to couples that are not married but want to flush out what is right for them and the relationship. I’d also recommend your continuing to pray and seek a confirmation. This was developed by therapists at BYU some time ago and has developed into its own institute.

You’re on the right path. Glad you wrote in. Study it out, get some therapeutic guidance, stick to your principles, then make a decision of a direction and don’t look back. Prayer and guidance here is key to your knowing God’s will and hope for you in your journey.

I’d recommend these two articles at links below.

The Voice of the Lord – Gerald N. Lund

Receiving Revelation – Doctrine and Covenants Student Manual

‘Joe’ and I met on a website for LDS singles and married VERY quickly after. We joke now that it was Heavenly Father’s way of getting us married because neither one of us would have stayed in it if we didn’t do it so quickly.  We were content where we were in our own lives and very independent.

I moved my children away from everything I knew and everyone I knew and moved in with him.  I wouldn’t have and still won’t ask him to ever leave his girls so the choice was easy I had to come here.  In the almost 4 years of our marriage we have been through quite a few things;

A miscarriage, My brother committing suicide (the only person in my family that has passed away), Our Sealing, Our son’s birth, His oldest daughter not wanting to come to our home for 9 months , ‘Joe’ was involved in a shooting, Sealing my children to ‘Joe’ and I, our second son’s birth

‘Joe’ is a police officer and is the physical and mental epitome of the word. He is VERY strict and very particular about the way things are done.  He can find something wrong in just about everything.  He belittles all of us, on a daily basis, in little ways like constantly correcting myself or the children.  We can’t do anything right and it’s very exhausting. I am trying very hard to “please” him but it’s impossible.  I believe he is very insecure because he was raised with the same “verbally abusive” upbringing.  He still allows his father to “abuse” him and has told me it would be nice to have someone (meaning me) stick up for him.  I may be way off base here but I don’t think my defending him is going to help him (I think he needs to stick up for himself and confront his father). I allowed myself to change to his “world” which I know was my own mistake and I am working hard to get ME back.  I started listening to the music I loved before we were married and he told me country was all that we listen to around here, the rest is crap.
He informed me that his ex started listening to different music right before she had an affair.
I know that I shouldn’t have and I feel as though I completely betrayed him but I called her to ask her if the “affair” was the reason she changed her music.  She told me absolutely not and that she was sick of doing what she was “told” to do. She described him perfectly which scares me, because I thought he was making some progress and lo and behold he is no different then when he was married before. He is very self-centered, but if I try to tell him what needs I have and he tells me I’m too needy, and how can he be selfish when he works so much for this family. He hunts and come heck or highwater he makes sure he is out there in the woods every chance he gets.  I try to kiss him/greet him when he walks through the door and he gets angry, so I have stopped, even greeting him. We all hold our breath when he walks in to hear the list of things that are wrong. No hello, hi or anything of the sort just a bunch of why is this there and that here and did you do this. This is what he says on a daily basis to my 8yr old…..” why are you talking no one wants to hear what you have to say, I know ‘Fred’ you think what you have to say is so much more important than anyone else. You think you are as important as the adults. You’re a rude little boy….no tell me what did you need to say that was soooo important you had to talk right then” We are still intimate because I allow him to treat us all like crap and still I deliver sexually, hoping it will make him a little less mean. My needs are NEVER met nor are they even asked about. To be honest that isn’t even a care in my mind. He claims he is the ‘happiest he has ever been’ and that scares me because if this is happiness I would hate to see unhappy. I tell him all the time “you’re safe with me” thinking that maybe he’s this way because he’s worried I will leave. I need to know that my feelings/thoughts/ideas matter and are important to him.  He intimidates our children so much so that they won’t even look up anymore.  I have watched them go from vibrate, respectful, responsible, smart children to having to ask permission before they make the simplest of decisions. They are all struggling in school. ‘Fred’ gets the worst of it, he is the one with ‘Joe’s' personality so he is the one he picks on the most.  The other day my husband said/yelled to me that I need to call my mom (whom ‘Joe’ has never been respectful to) and see if ‘Fred’ can live there because he can’t take him anymore.  I will admit I turned into a very ugly person at that point because I can’t even imagine what that did to my 8yr olds little spirit.  I took him to school and then when I got home my husband said I needed to go get him he shouldn’t be at school after witnessing that huge blowup between us. So I went to get him, he begged me to let him stay at school, I promised him Dad wouldn’t fuss at him anymore and my little boy said he would rather be there then at home.. I cried all the way back home and then let my husband have it.  I told him he could leave if he couldn’t handle ‘Fred’ anymore, I made it VERY clear he was to NEVER say something that stupid again.

My 12 yr old son told me the other day to just let Dad yell/fuss at him to not step in between them because he can handle it and he doesn’t want him yelling at me.

What do I do when I know there is a good man in there somewhere a priesthood holder, a father, a leader but for whatever reason he doesn’t believe he deserves to be happy.  I truly believe that the past is just repeating itself.  How long do you give someone to change before you have to walk away?   Some moments are good and some moments are indescribable.  Why does this world not understand that VERBAL abuse is just as bad as PHYSICAL abuse?  Why do all the Dr’s ask if you are being physically abused at home why doesn’t anyone ask if you are being belittled and bullied?  He doesn’t believe that what he is doing is abusive because he doesn’t call us names, but how do you tell someone that when you are constantly standing over someone correcting each thing they do that that is abusive. His tone is so mean and scary.  I know in this paragraph I can’t give you the enormity of the situation I just hope you can give me some hope for the future.  We have 2 boys together and  I don’t want to give up on him since it’s seems to me he is expecting everyone to.  Since when we fight his response is always “I know, I can’t do anything right.”

I don’t even respond when we argue anymore because he does the tit for tat type of arguing and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to talk to him about anything. I am afraid if I divorce him he will then have my boys, who are only toddler and infant age now, to verbally abuse without me there to protect them.  What do I do now? I am not looking for a pity party at all, I just don’t know when enough is enough. Please help…

P.S. We did try counseling; he said it was a waste of time. Just to get him to go those 4 times I had to threaten divorce, and yes I’ve talked to my Bishop, that didn’t help at all.”

Answer: I appreciate all the detail. It appears that both of you have a long history, a history of hurt and trauma per the marriages and divorces and events that have complicated each of your growth and marriage. I can tell that you are living in survival mode, a mode of day to day living that means protecting your children from critical statements and abuses by your husband and trying to keep the peace. It appears from the information you shared that you are in a place of hurt and pain as you have been unable with a conversation with your Bishop and doing some counseling (which was shallow at best as his buy-in was likely about zero) to make things shift in your family.

I have a few thoughts for you in terms of how to proceed from here forward. You mentioned, “He can find something wrong in just about everything.  He belittles all of us, on a daily basis, in little ways like constantly …” and I am wondering what it is that you do during this time. Do you hunker down and hope it goes over, do you take him aside and give him feedback, do you blow up and demand he be kinder to the children? My guess from the narrative above is that you try to weather his ‘storm’ and then comfort the children. My feedback for you is to pull him aside and no subjugate your will to his but to instead assert yourself and tell him how hurt you are when he speaks to critically to them. Don’t landblast him for his tone (he’ll resist you) at first but instead share how he is hurting you. He’ll likely not listen as he appears to be quite narcissistic and in denial as to his levels of emotional toxicity.  I’d read up on emotional abuse in this article, here is the link http://bit.ly/98KZGW and better acclimate yourself as to the nature of this kind of abuse that is so pervasive in your family per your husband’s issues.

Also, I suggest you start working through some Self work. Meaning your learning and getting a grasp on who you are and why you find it difficult to stand up for yourself. I can imagine that it must be hard to deal with him. The change must begin with you. Having some assertiveness training and work on redefining who you are and what you deserve is key. You are not causing your husband to mistreat you or your children. That being said, you may be influencing the pattern he is in by tolerating his abuses. From your post it sounds like you are in a lot of pain and are trying to make it smoother for the children. Your understanding boundaries and grasping how assertiveness and healthy understanding of your own personal boundaries, where you end and where he begins. I’ll email you articles on both of these topics that help you firm up your core Self to then better deal with and ultimately confront your husband.

Don’t give up. Your children need and are counting on you. Your husband is clearly in denial about his behavior. Likely he has his own hurts and is coping and engaging with the children and you as a reactionary measure with those hurts and has become stuck in a rut of abusive behavior. I am sorry to hear that the counseling did not work. He clearly was not invested and counseling fails miserably if the client is not willing to work. I might add, you can make large changes by getting involved in counseling yourself with or without him. Your strengthening your own emotional spine and getting some clarity will help you then interrupt the patterns in the home that he authors. Also, your making changes in yourself will influence (not cause) him to make small changes. In order for change to occur for him he’ll need to first get out of denial and realize that he can’t be a cop at home. He is in law enforcement for a job and being rigid and military like will damage the kids. He likely can see it but is so proud that he justifies his behavior in his own mind to make what he does ok and legitimate.

So, in conclusion I’d recommend reading the boundaries and assertiveness articles I’ll email you. I’d also recommend getting into a solid counselor yourself for help in your own Self work which can amp you up to do the difficult but doable work with your husband in bringing him out of the darkness of denial and into the light of learning and listening.

Answer: I appreciate your question. The pain and trauma that you have experienced during the continued discoveries of his sexual encounters must be so painful. From what you stated it appears that you are dealing with a mountain of hurt and betrayal. I know that must be so difficult as you had hoped and felt he was faithful but clearly is not at this point. He clearly does have a sexual addiction and is not sober, at least not now. His justifications about being interested in gossipy lives and saying he has it under control is clearly a denial as to the problem since if he were really working on it he’d of included you and the Lord in his own recovery. Sexual addiction is powerfully, as it involved God-given drives, chemical changes in the body, and can become a crutch to cope with emotional challenges. Beginning with his sexual encounter with a prostitute at 17 and then the series of lap dances, bouts with online porn while alone, and the rationalizations he is offering you indicate to me that he is in fact not sober and if in recovery is likely failing currently at getting a handle on his addiction. I imagine he must be in a world of shame and hurt as well. Shame as he knows that he is living a lie and lying to you as well. He likely is coping with the porn and hoping that it’ll go away but as the research indicates pornography addiction does not ‘go away’ without significant clinical intervention. Oxytocin and Serotonin are released in the brain during sexual arousal while he is engaging in this erotic and fantasy laden sexual encounters. His brain is an organ, and the power of these chemicals, in addition to his own emotional needs are part of what rivets him to his addiction.

My counsel for you is to confront him. He is in denial and needs more than a talk tape or book. The stories you shared and likely the ones you don’t know about are fueling his addiction and it will likely continue as it is just that, an addiction and addictions don’t stand to reason as the brain (not his spirit) is amoral and just wants more and more. I recommend you confront him that he get help, serious professional help. Part of his recovery will be working through understanding how he is benefiting from the porn and encounters and helping him get out of denial and into working through it, not avoiding it. For you I recommend you read this book titled, Confronting Your Spouse’s Pornography Problem.

I also recommend you find a solid LDS counselor that has training and a history working with sexual addictions. You need support and help as you navigate the pain you are bearing with the news that your husband is addicted and thus acting out in ways that jeopardize the marriage covenant and the future of the marriage. You are not alone. Please see my other inquiries that others have made regarding this topic of pornography and sexual addiction. You are not selfish for speaking out, but courageous. It is imperative that you draw a line in the sand. Your demanding respect, virtue, and love from him is one of the only ways for him to hit bottom and then realize he is in need of help. His problem will not go away and it is up to him to get the help and work through it.

Feel free to contact me and I can assist you in finding a therapist in your area with the right training to help guide and support you as you confront and work with you husband.

See the product below, you get two additional books and the audio recording for helping build and repair your marriage.

Answer: The scenario you spoke about is a common pattern in couples that come from homes that are high conflict. It also appears in ones that are not. The patterns of communication that are modeled by parents are often woven into the psyche of individuals as children and despite their disdain for the hurtful words, those same children grow up and replicate the behavior in their own marriages and families. In the case of your husband, it appears that he is aware that he has an issue with emotional outbursts and is also aware that he says things he really does not mean. This is a function of his inability to manage emotion and the idea that if he threatens you or hurts you he will feel better. It appears that you had a debate or argument. Instead of discussing his core emotions and issue with what you are saying he ends up threatening you and attempting to hurt you. The thinking is twisted in that it is clearly irrational but something he likely does over and over. The irrational piece of this pattern is that he thinks subconsciously that if he in fact hurts you by belittling or saying things that are caustic he will in some way ‘win’ or otherwise feel justified in his views of the argument and with his treatment of you. Now, all that being said, the family of origin is part of the issues. I underlined part as it is likely only about 25% of the cause of the issue. Just because he learned it from the family he was raised in does not mean he is helpless or a victim to those old patterns, though it does mean that for him breaking the pattern and learning to talk about his core upset or disagreement is clearly a mature and healthy way of doing it versus the immature punitive way he threatens or name calls you.

In the future when it comes up I’d simply respond that you can tell he is upset and ask about the upset. Inform him clearly and firmly that his name calling and disrespect will not be tolerated by you. Letting him know that you realize he is upset but that his ‘punishing’ you does not help you understand him but actually adds more tension and conflict, the very thing he is trying to avoid.

Stand your ground, it will take him some time. Be patient and remember that you teach your husband how to treat you by what you tolerate. Your putting up with it only shows him that he can get away with poor behavior and that you will in fact forgive and move on despite his continued slip ups. Draw the line, be patient, don’t react to him … do guide him to speak about the core of what he is feeling thus helping him not fall into patterns of critical remarks that only lead to more conflict and hurt.

Answer: It sounds like a few things are going on in the marriage and within your own cognitive process. From the information you provided, it appears that you have a sense that he is speaking down to you or that he is thanking you in a patronizing way. I don’t have a solid sense of the history other than you have been married for 43 years and are irritated that he is thanking you for the evening out. I’d encourage you to think about the following questions to better understand why you are finding it upsetting.

1. Do you or have you found him to be condecending in the past to you? If so might his thanking you be a similar tone and pattern to the past? If not, was his tone one of “thank you for doing me a favor” or “thank you for going out, I really enjoyed being with you”?
2. Are you secure in your own core Self? If not, did his thanking you spark a sense of insecurity and fuel thoughts that he might be speaking down to you? Typically insecurity flows out in relationships with reactivity and ones being easily irritated. Taking a look in and reviewing your inner Self would help here in your review.
3. Is there something wrong or ill of his being appreciative of the evening out? If he has not expressed appreciation in the past, is it too late to start now?

Tone, marital history, and the vibe at the time the comment was made is key to understanding his motive. Simply asking him might be helpful in understanding his thought process. The key though, is your looking within as to why his saying this sparked the irritation. The questions above can assist you in reviewing your sense of the relationship and how that may play a role in why he is talking the way he is following your dinner.

Answer: I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so. It must be so overwhelming to have the physical challenges and feel like you also don’t have the emotional support from others. It does not sound like you have a lot of support from others. It sounds like you need to lean on a support system that you create; yet the difficulty is that when depressed you likely don’t have the energy or hope to create such a system. My guidance to you is three fold.

Spiritually you’ll need to start reading and praying daily. Getting a good dose of spiritual worship and a clearer sense of who you are and your relationship to God is key. This is first and foremost.

Emotionally you’ll need to begin to deny and not allow your mind to entertain the follies and rudeness that comes from others, family or friends. Don’t allow that to further your depression. When others are ‘off course’ and rude don’t put up with it. Don’t allow your mind to consume and ruminate on their comments. You have to much living to do to allow yourself to deal with their issues and baggage.

Physically you’ve got to get into a structure and start having dailies. Dailies are things you do each day no matter what. Get into a routine that includes dailys that stretch your mind, your body, your spirit. Follow a pattern that gives you stability and ability to predict your day.

Clinically you’d be best served by seeing a therapist. I realize you are in a remote area. I’d recommend a solid book that will help you work through your issues. It would be well worth the purchase, but only if you are serious about leaving the depression behind. The Feeling Good Handbook – David Burns, M.D.

Also, here are some articles you may be interested in reading.
http://tiny.cc/nxDEp , http://tiny.cc/oF8GY, and for a long list of LDS articles go here. You can locate the article list then list of articles. Then go to top of page and go to the official LDS site and obtain the articles.