Christmas Eve Drama, Am I In Error?

February 2, 2010 in Uncategorized by JustinS | No comments

Question: “Am I being unreasonable? My husband and I have been married for seven years. It is a second marriage for both of us after being previously widowed. I brought 2 children into the marriage; a son now 20 and a daughter 18. My husband brought 3 children; his eldest daughter now 24, middle daughter 22 (and now married) and a son 20. As I think most people can appreciate “blended” families – even when proceeding with the best intentions – are incredibly challenging. We have overcome all sorts of problems over the years but as our children are getting older there seems to be a lot less conflict between us. My question is in regard to what happened this Christmas Eve. We had been invited to my husband’s brother’s home for what we understood was an “open house” type event. We said we might drop by later in the evening. That afternoon we had a phone message from them and it seemed that there were some crossed wires and they had expected us for dinner. My husband returned the call and said sorry about the misunderstanding but we were having dinner at home. So we had all but one of our children here for dinner (including our son-in-law). Which because of one of our daughter’s different religious affiliation hasn’t happened since our very first Christmas together. We had spent days getting ready for this. On the day itself we were running late in part because we were waiting for one of our sons to return from college before going to get a Christmas tree. We gave thanks at the dinner table and I said I was thankful that I could bake and cook for the people that I love and care about. Just as we finished dinner we were joined by our final child. I was so happy that we were all together. We moved from the dinner table and were sitting around the tree, talking, laughing and happy to be together. The kind of rare moment when I look at all of us and think: it’s been really difficult at times but were all in this together and it’s good. My husband said he felt he needed to at least make at appearance at his brother’s open house. We all objected. We wanted to play cards or charades. I reminded him that one of our daughters had to work Christmas Day so for her this was it. He said because of the misunderstanding he felt he had to go. I again objected and told him I thought this was crazy. He reassured me he’d be right back and he left taking two of the kids with him. I was so upset I had to leave the room to compose myself. This left my two biological children and my stepdaughter and son-in-law. When I came back to the living room my stepdaughter and her husband had drifted off looking for swimsuits to sit in our hottub. That left me and my two children. Obviously I was very upset but tried to hid that. We talked for a while before saying goodnight. I got into bed and when my husband came home I’m ashamed to say I pretended to be asleep. I just felt so angry, furious really, that I didn’t feel I could face him. I had been fighting some kind of flu bug for the last few days and on Christmas morning could hardly drag myself out of bed. We both got up early to see our daughter before she had to go off to work. But I returned to bed for several hours. I tried to get up to join everyone to open presents but wasn’t able. I spent the next three days in bed. When I was able to I said to my husband “Do you know that I see what you did on Christmas Eve as really destructive?” His only response was “Is that so?” I told him “Yes. That’s so. And I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings about it”. He said nothing more and I was still feeling so unwell that I just let that sit. He went to work the following day and I sent him an email telling him I felt about what had happened. I told him the whole situation reminded of the definition of a cynic: someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. I ended the email telling him that I loved him but was so furious that I didn’t know what to do with all this emotion. He ignored the email for a further two days. I then (by this time I was feeling weak but better) I brought it up again. He told me that maybe I should just live alone. If I didn’t have expectations of him I wouldn’t be so disappointed all the time. He told me that I was being narcissistic. I was thinking only about myself. He was very calm, trying to be logical and I was getting emotional. I told him he seemed smug and superior that he was able to remain unemotional but I was his wife. I am distressed. This has hurt me. I left the room then because I will not engage with him when I am overwhelmed or crying. I was driving him to work the next day and I said “you know – we aren’t going to get a divorce over this. So I’m still upset about what happened on Christmas Eve but now I’m also upset that you ignored me repeatedly and you’re actually going to have to deal with this. I’m not some unreasonable witch you know”. Yes you are he told me. I asked him to repeat what he said and he told me that I was being an unreasonable witch about this. Obviously this whole conversation didn’t go well. I ended up in tears. He took the opportunity to yell at me (which he later apologized for) telling me that I dig-dig-dig, that I berate him and more. A few days pass and he finally tells me he’s sorry the fallout from this but he can’t apologize for leaving on Christmas Eve because he didn’t have any bad intentions. So again my question would be: am I being unreasonable here? Was “destructive” too strong a word to use (which he says is what set him off)? I feel he did ruin our “family” Christmas Eve. I’d appreciate any insight into this you can offer.”

Answer: Thanks for all the lengthy details. I’ll be brief here but direct. The bottom line is that you have your hopes for Christmas and your husband had his. He chose to leave to save face with his brother, again his choice. You chose to stay with the kids and enjoy the moments at that point in the evening. You are connected, as a married couple but are also autonomous. He is not an appendage to you nor you to him. Now, all that being said, he worried more about what his brother thought than what his own wife thought/felt or his own kids. There is not anything horrible or destructive about his leaving, he did in fact bring two of the kids with him. I do feel that was a poor choice to leave considering the circumstances.

I feel you are in error in getting upset and refusing to communicate with him and not coming in to engage with the family for the days following. Again, if your husband is going to make poor choices, that does not mean you need to engage in withdrawal following Christmas eve etc otherwise you are in as much error as he is considering his choices that night. I realize you are hurt and upset at his choices and the fact is you would do better actually distancing yourself enough emotionally to not remain so attached to his foolish decision.

Now, he needs a good course in listening when you spoke to him about your anger and hurt from what he did. I’d suggest you look into your allowing him to make poor choices and not allowing it to infuriate you so much that you shut down and don’t enjoy the time yourself. Now, I realize this is not as easy as I just made it but remembering that he is connected to you yet autonomous as well with his own thoughts and hopes.

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My Husband Is Leaving Me, Help!

February 2, 2010 in Communication, Divorce by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I am too glad I have found your blog. I am currently going through a tough time, my husband filled for divorce a year and a half of marriage and as you imagine I am devastated. I have been trying to reason with him that feelings like being overwhelmed and learning how to adjust and be  married is normal in the first two years of marriage but I literally feel like I am talking to myself. All I hear from him is this is final, you need to accept it. He told me he lost his testimony and that he wants us to be happy but not with each other cause we were not meant to be together. I am really confused and angry at time since this was not the case when we decided to marry in the temple and we made commitments to each other, now that he is breaking. I am feeling guilty about my divorce, I feel that he is taking a easy way out of our marriage and I can not stand the thought of not giving my 100% on working and solving all that can be solved. We had arguments in the past, he is a very sensitive man and so am I but not as much as he is. He has dealt with depression in his childhood, entered MTC and had to get out due to depression and then gave it another try later or after therapy, struggled on the mission field but he came out of it victorious and loved every minute of it. I am scared he is feeling the same about our marriage too this time around, he just wants out and there is nothing I can do or say to make him want/ desire to work on our marriage. I feel overwhelmed with a lot of guilt and despair that I can not see myself getting out of this situation ever feeling like the same person again. We need to learn how to be married and how to manage our arguments/ differences. We had arguments that he never expressed how he felt about them, he would just leave it to that, I would say sorry it came down to a fight, and he would just say okay. Never actually talked about the issue, never told me what was that really bothered him, he just kept it all in till it came to a point where he picked up his stuff and left. I have been getting a lot of outside perspectives on the relationship, and it all comes down to him having a mental disability and that he was brought up by parents that would pay his bills. That does not give me comfort. I want to be married to this man because I love him and I chose to be with knowing how sensitive he is and wanting to be his eternal companion and lift each other up when we fall. But all he tells me it is that it is final. He is sad about the situation but he is just done. Now I am dealing with depression and I come off as very desperate when I try to talk to him, and that is probably making him step back even more. I just need some advice on how I can make him want to save our marriage even after constantly telling me we’re done. Is it possible to save my marriage??

Answer: It appears from your post that you are clearly worried about the nature of the marriage and the prospects for the future of it surviving. From your post I gathered a few key items. It appears the marriage has conflict and misunderstandings. This is normal! Most marriages especially in the first few months and into the first year to have more than normal misgivings and at times contentious bouts due to insecurity and the segue into the couple married relationship from singlehood. My concern for you at this point is not the development of the marriage but the nature of where you are at now in the marriage. Your husbands saying it is final is a firm stand. What does he mean by final? Has he moved out with his parents or on his own? When you mention he has a mental disability what disability are you referring too? I don’t have much history from your post but surmise that there is more than you could put on the post. His jumping up and saying he is out of the marriage has got to be fueled by things he is feeling at present or in past.

My guidance for you is to not beg him back, doing so will likely drive him farther away as he’ll likely see you as desperate and needy. You are a woman and deserve to be respected and you disrespect yourself in begging him home or the like. Instead, attempt to speak to him about why he wants to leave. When you do speak, don’t debate or justify; simply listen to him and hear him out. This will help you understand what is happening. It is clear that you and him need to get into some couples counseling to get a handle on if you are doing to divorce or not. I’d visit with him about going to counseling not to save the marriage but to sort out if it will last, if it will stand and if you both want in it. Yes, you’ve both made covenants but if he is already halfway out the door he is not worried about those so approaching him on a spiritual bases about what he has promised will likely hold little merit for him. Again, I’d instead lead him with you into couples counseling to figure out what you both want.

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Potty Training Etc, Help?

February 1, 2010 in Toddlers by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I have a 4 1/2 year old son who has trouble with potty training. He was first trained at 3 and did wonderfully-even at night. Well, about a year ago (about the time his older brother started school) he started having poop accidents. We chucked it up to anxiety, stress, or change. He tends to be more sensitive. We were patient and it went away. Over the past year it keeps coming back-often. Sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be any stress or change and it usually lasts for about two weeks (sometimes multiple daily accidents). We have gotten frustrated with him, which I am sure has made it worse. We have also tried tons of positive reinforcement. I talked to his Doctor and he brushes it off as a kid-thing. When I talk to him about it he tells me “he didn’t feel it coming out.” I have read on the internet and most of the issues I have read about stems from fear, pain, or constipation. He has never complained about fear or pain and the kid is really regular. I am not sure if there is something we can do as far as mental or if this is a medical problem. Thank You.”

Answer: Thanks for the question. I’d recommend that you see a medical specialist that specializes in gastrointestinal issues, not your primary care physician that is more of a generalist. This may be stress related but it is difficult to tell as it may be in fact a medical condition that is coupled with his stress. I have seen both enuresis and encopresis following trauma but as this is more intermittent and does not appear to follow a set pattern per your post below.

My counsel to you would be to ensure you don’t exhibit your stress with it in front of him. I know this is a huge pain and difficult but as it may be psychosomatic “mind-body” you want to ensure that you don’t complicate the equation. I’d do some research of local specialists in your area, that may be dual-specialized gastro as well as pediatric.

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Dealing With A Distant & Avoidant Husband

January 26, 2010 in Communication, Marriage by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “I’m so conflicted on whether to leave my husband or not. We’ve been married for almost 25 years and have 3 grown children (youngest is 18). We have no emotional relationship. What I mean by this is that we live in the same house but it’s more like we are roommates instead of husband and wife. There is no physical contact between us unless it is initiated by me – I have to be the one to give a hug – I have to be the one to hold his arm or grab his hand – he never does it. Any communication we have – which is minimal – is him telling me all about his work or his bowling. He has NEVER asked me about how I’m doing or how my day is. When I am sick he has never asked me how I’m doing or if there is something he can do for me. Up until a year ago I made sure that we had the physical contact and also made sure to ask how he was doing, how his day had gone, ect. When I ask him why he doesn’t hold my hand or ask me how I’m doing he always says that he doesn’t remember to do it and that he has a bad memory. I started leaving little notes “have a wonderful day’ type messages on his car, the bathroom ect. He never responded. So I tried again put reminders on the bathroom mirror things like “ give me a hug, ask me how my work in going, squeeze my shoulder, ask me how I’m doing. I felt for sure this would get some type of response from him but he didn’t even acknowledge that the writing was there. So now, this last July, I wrote him a long letter that I gave him when I went to visit my family (I felt he needed time to read and think about what I was saying). I wrote exactly how I was feeling about his actions / inactions, and what I needed from him. I told him that I could not continue to live like this, that I was emotionally drained and that I would have to leave if things did not change but that I was willing to work on the relationship if he could show me, by his actions, that he was willing to make some changes too. When I came home, there were a few minor changes and he gave me a hug everyday for a about a week, and then the frequency swiftly dropped off. Again, in December, I said that nothing had changed since the summer and asked him to not buy me any gift, that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was for him to re-read that letter and take it seriously. Still nothing has changed. So now comes my dilemma, I’m not getting from him what I desperately need but is it right for me to leave him. He has never physically or mentally abused me. I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me he is a hard worker and generally a good person’ but we have no real relationship. I know that I could continue to live like this but it would be me giving up a part of me settling with existing. I know I can be happy on my own but part of me doesn’t want to be alone. I feel like I am staying with him just so I don’t have to be alone. I also know that leaving him would hurt him and be financially difficult for him. I do care about what happens to him because we have been married for so long but I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what is right to do.”

Answer: Sounds like you are living in a marriage but most of the time still feel single. It is sad to hear about all your attempts to reach your husband with notes and other cues to help him wake up and catch a clue as to what your needs are. I find from your post above that you really have attempted to reach him with the notes, with the letter, and your verbal requests. You mentioned that the relationship is not caustic or contentious. I might add that damaging relationships need not be contentious only but they can be quite the opposite and still be unhealthy, silent treatment, avoidance, and stonewalling are all maneuvers that spouses engage in that take little energy but are really unhealthy. From what you stated it sounds like avoidance is his primary function, to work, provide and otherwise cohabitate. I say cohabitation since there is no physical and emotional intimacy between you both.

I’d recommend a few things. I’d first read John Gottman’s book on healthy marriages to get a good baseline on what healthy marriages look like. I’d then not get hung up on the details with your husband, you’ve got 25 years behind you and I don’t think you should end it just yet. I’d rethink the nature of your friendship and slowly start building it. If he is checked out and avoiding and comfortable with it you likely will not get him to respond to all your cues or any of them right at first. I’d suggest instead work on building the friendship and moving to a position of baseline friendship, the foundation of healthy marriages. Now, I realize you don’t feel close to him or that you don’t currently don’t feel like you love him. That is fine, but you need to start with slow friendship in a manner to parse out the marriage and what can happen.

He sounds pretty self-focused as well. I’d instead try and not get him to ask about you, instead have him talk about himself something he’s willing to do by asking about him. This is natural, any man or women wants their spouse to speak to them and inquire as it shows love and genuine interest. He is shut down enough you will likely not get him to engage with you even per your asking. If you can’t beat him, join him. I’d line up some solid conversations with him about bowling. Listen to him, hear him out, ask, and otherwise build the friendship on that note. Hey, if you go all the way, get a date lined up to go bowling with him! Again, the thought here is not to build his ego or manipulate him at all but to instead generate conversation with him and build friendship. Also, it may not be comfortable at first but this is just opening the door a crack.

I cannot answer all of this complex phenomenon that distant avoidant spouses engage in during this short post but don’t give up hope, you have a lot of options you really need to be open to thinking ‘out of the box’ and be open to doing some of your own work so as to be able to work with him.

Working with a husband that is emotionally shut down is difficult, even for therapists let alone a wife that is trying and lonely and hurt. I’d recommend starting to work with a counselor, just you at first to get some of your bases covered and start to get your own hurt and pain worked through. I’d then suggest a good dose of couples counseling.

Please see the video below for more specifics on divorce and marriage.

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Sixteen Year Old Daughter – Public Display of Affection?

January 24, 2010 in Parenting, Teenagers by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “Our 16 year old daughter is very aggressively affectionate towards her 16 year old boyfriend. Her dad and I have talked to her numerous times. She says she doesn’t know what appropriate boundaries are. We’ve talked to him as well and he does understand, commits to keeping the PDA’s to a minimum, but since she is the more aggressive one, he seems to be helpless. She follows his every move, squeezes up against him wherever he is sitting or standing, kissing his face, touching his hair and face, whispering and smiling as though no one else was in the room. We have 4 teens at home. The 18yo daughter also has a boyfriend, but their affection is normal. They’ve both spoken to the 16yo too, but none of our talking is doing any good. The last time we talked, I told her the next time he comes over, she isn’t allowed to be affection at all… a sort of grounding. If she ignores me, I’m going to take him home at the first sign of her inappropriate behavior. I’m also going to insist that she sit down with me and read, “Boundaries for Teens” by Townsend. Hopefully this will help us both understand each other better and maybe she’ll understand better what healthy boundaries are when she reads it by someone else. I also told her that since she has ignored our counsel for months now, she will not be allowed to continue this relationship until she learns to establish healthy boundaries with him and all boys. Am I on the right track? What else can we do?”

Answer: You bring up a common question, how do parents teach adolescents appropriate boundaries, especially in romantic relationships. I’ll attempt to answer your questions and statement in the order you presented them. First of all I doubt that she is unaware of boundaries as she stated. Likely this is merely an “I didn’t know”, kind of justification for her overt public display of affection. Glad you spoke to him, this will help him have some sense of what your expectations are when he is with your daughter yet I am sure he’s confused as he sees that she is boundary-less in some respects. I might add though, to her credit, that she likely is either so infatuated and lost in the relationship with her boyfriend or so clueless to social cues that she to some degree is blind to the display of affection.

From your post it sounds like you are drawing some boundaries yourself with what you feel is and is not appropriate in the home. Now that you’d told her that she is not allowed to show affection to him in your home, have you in fact enforced it? If you have is it working? My thought here is that ‘grounding’ her per se from affection in the home may only encourage her to be ‘all over him’ outside the home. My suggestion would be to have her and him in your home and next time that they are over, I’d bring up the expectations you have in the open. Yes, this’ll heat up things in the kitchen and likely be uncomfortable for them both but again, you’ve laid down the rules and he cannot stop her and she is not listening. I’d confront them both as it is happening, with some comments. Not rude or demeaning or shameful ones but ones that open the topic up when things are happening. Something to another in the room that you are remarking about their behavior like, “Wow, the way Jennie’s got him pinned up against the wall stroking his hair is making me uncomfortable.” or “Jennie, I’ve told you not to make out with John in the kitchen, you know the rules. Will you please manage yourself?” then maybe ask of John something like, “John, how often does this happen with Jennie and is it like that when you are both alone.” Again, yes the questions may seem extreme but the fact is you have given her fair warning enough and she’s not getting the picture. Also, having an open discussion with her and her old siblings of the same gender may help too to do some mentoring and teaching. Yes, you are on the right track. Also, quashing the relationships until she can manager herself is warranted if after you have made multiple attempts to guide, teach, and correct her.

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Co-Parenting With an Ex That is Controlling

January 23, 2010 in Divorce by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I have been divorced for almost two years. I chose to leave a very controlling husband. The only way I could see to get out of the marriage was to give him partial custody of the children. We each have them half the time. The issue I’m having is that my ex-husband completely refuses any kind of communication with me. He even says I have no right to know where the children are when it’s not my week with them. I feel that we can make our divorce as easy on the children as possible or as difficult, and he is choosing the latter. He is hurt, angry, and feels like a victim and wants me to hurt as well. My fear is that it is harming our children. They are so afraid of him, they won’t stand up to him and tell him what they want. They are very uncomfortable even talking to me when he’s around. Several of them have expressed a desire to come live with me all the time, but the older ones feel like they need to be there (at dad’s) to take care of the younger ones. I cannot get over the feelings of guilt that I ruined my children’s lives by leaving him. I am happily remarried and they all love their stepfather. I think it’s good for them to finally see a healthy marriage. I just wish I could get their dad to see that us communicating and co-parenting would make it easier on the children. But he keeps telling them it is my fault that everyone is so miserable. Help!! Do you have any suggestions?”

Answer: This sounds like such a trying time. From your post it appears that the marriage was clearly conflict ridden and that there is much hurt on both sides, yours and your former husband’s. Sounds like he is also really hurt and that he is trying keep still be pretty closed with you. The difficulty with co-parenting is that is the children are both of yours, they need both you and their father. It gets complicated when either parent is recalcitrant or belligerent to either spouse. The kids equally sound confused and fearful that they need to band together, especially the older children in light of their younger siblings. It is really sad that they are not able to feel safe with their own father, as living with him in likely difficult for them.

You’ve really got a couple options. Ideally you’d be able to visit with their father and discuss the significant of co-parenting and its impact on them and their future relationships. I suggest doing some reading and getting a better understanding of the co-parenting benefits on the children’s overall development and then discuss your concerns with him. This is optimal and in light of his hurt and anger may not work, but is the best if it can happen. Second, I’d work diligently with the kids to talk about the pain of the divorce on the family. I’d suggest your creating space and engaging them in a conversation around their need to not feel loyalty to one parent or another. That they can infact talk to you as their mother in the presence of their father, without their father being upset. Talk to them about their fears and validate them. Also, start coaching them in small ways in other areas of their life to assert themselves to go against the norms and stand up for themselves. This coaching will vary depending on the ego strength and temperament of the child and their age. Thirdly, I’d suggest your helping them in their spiritual development. Helping them to be centered and strong spiritually will be key in helping them withstand the huge stresses that come as residue when the dust settles following divorce.

There are not easy answers on your case. Again, ideally you’d get your former husband to engage but if not then you really need to get the kids emotionally resilient and strong in many ways to buffer the chaos that your ex has with you and ends up falling on them.

Suggested Resources:

Families apart: 10 keys to successful co-parenting

The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex, A Hands on, practical guide to coping with custody issues that arise with an uncooperative ex-spouse

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Dealing With A Husband With Mental Challenges

January 23, 2010 in Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “Hello. I am married and have been for the last year. When I first met my husband, I noticed that he had something wrong with him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. After 2 or 3 dates, I resigned to the fact that he is probably mildly mentally retarded and was probably in the special ed classes in school. Since I have no problem with that and genuinely liked him, I continued to date him. We fell in love and married. Now his mental issues are destroying our marriage because I do not think he can fully grasp the scope of some of our issues. I have asked him about his mental capacity in the past, but he never will admit to it. On one occasion when he thought I was leaving him, he admitted that he is one can short of a six pack and that is why he argues all the time. That is the closest he has ever come to admitting anything about his mental condition. If he truly does have a weakness in this area, we need to discuss it. How do I find out about him without hurting his feelings? His family never says anything about it and each time I ask him, he denies it. When I asked him what did he mean when he said he was a can short of a six pack, he said he just said it because he didn’t want me to leave him and he was saying anything that came to his mind. I love my husband and I don’t want to hurt or embarrass him by pushing the issue. But I know without a doubt that he has mental issues. Anyone that meets him can see it in his face. You know, he has that look. If I knew exactly what, maybe I could be more patient with him and save our marriage. Sometimes he has the mentality of a child. Other times he is selfish and dismissive. Also, I think he was a virgin when we met, but of course I will die before he ever admits to that one…. We are very spiritual and go to church often. He blames his shortcomings on the work of the devil just trying to break us up. But I know it is deeper than that. Trying to get help for someone when he and his family pretend nothing is wrong, could hurt my husband beyond repair… Please help!!!”

Answer: I appreciate your question. Marriage can be difficult at times and working with a spouse that likely has some cognitive challenges can make it more difficult. I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you to have a relationship with some one that you say is irritable most of the time and tends to argue. It appears that he does have difficulty within your relationship based upon what you shared in your post above. From what you stated he has shared he likely has some difficulty processing information and reading social cues as he has stated in a moment of fear that he is one can short of a six pack as you stated. He is likely aware and highly insecure and thus defensive about his emotional and mental processes that complicate the marriage. You mention that if you knew exactly what he ‘had’ you could “be more patient with him and save our marriage”. I don’t know that your labeling it will do more for you in terms of being able to see it, as even without a title or label you can see the symptoms and know how it feels to interact with him. I do feel what you are saying though, that a label might help you measure, quantify, or otherwise understand what he has or struggles with and then be able to express more understanding.

It is possible that he may have a cognitive processing issue? Meaning he may have a average fine IQ but process information much more slowly thus a split, and this would look like his misreading cues, being irritable and otherwise being challenged. Did he have difficulties at birth? Premature? Delayed development? These would be indications that may have influenced his cognitive abilities. These can be worked through and managed, but you and him need to acknowledge them and deal with them as they influence the marriage.

My guidance for you here would be that you both seek out marriage/couple counseling. Processing through the patterns and the nature of the marriage and relationship would not only identify the issues that are plaguing your marriage but the capacity and mental challenges that he has will also surface. This would give you and him both room to explore and understand the nature of his difficulties and the strain on the marriage. I do not feel your confronting him on it will help him come out and talk about it. He is likely so insecure and worried that you’ll leave him (per your story above) that he’ll not want to be inadequate or state that he is less than. Going to therapy and tackling the issues head on will provide a safe medium for you booth to visit and for the therapist to wade through the issues and I am confident that they’ll emerge as you speak about what you have posted here on this blog in terms of his statements that he may be different and challenged in managing emotion and relationships.

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How Can I Help My Husband Stop Porn Habit?

January 18, 2010 in Intimacy, Pornography by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “My husband and I have been married for 7 years. While we were dating he told me he had an addiction to pornography since someone showed him a magazine when he was 8. He cried when he told me and assured me it was something he was working on and would not let continue. Over the first few years of our marriage I would either find something on the computer or he would feel guilty and confess on his own to me when he had “slipped up”. He could go months without viewing it and then go back. I got to the point where I was sick of asking him how he was doing on it since I was always scared to hear a negative answer and I found he would just lie until he was ready to confess anyways. Other than this issue, he is a perfect husband. He helps me around the house, is a hard worker, a wonderful father and my best friend. He has been to different bishops about it (since we move so often) but has never had temple worthiness revoked. In fact, a couple years ago he was made a high-priest. It has been a couple years since we have dealt with this issue so I thought maybe he was doing better but this morning I sound several porn links on his pocket pc (and he knows I check the history periodically). It also appears as it instead of just looking at pictures like he used to, there were links for video clips. I’m freaking out! It’s getting worse? I always kinds thought how guilty he felt about his little slip ups would prevent him from taking it any further. I realize he probably needs outside help, as do I since this is not really doing wonders for my self-esteem. What else can I do to help him? I don’t want to make him feel so guilty or bad that he feels hopeless about quitting but I want to help him stop. I wouldn’t ever want to consider divorce over something like this but I find myself thinking about the possibility of him leaving me or me having to leave him if it ever got too bad. Please help give me any tips for myself or him.”

Answer: I am glad you are reaching out for support. I can imagine you are pretty hurt and upset with his porn use that has lingered for years and appears to be getting worse. Stopping pornography can be harder than some substance addictions, like oxycontin or heroin. I have worked personally with scores of men that are addicted. These are successful, seemingly happy, but addicted men. They often live two lives and find themselves hiding and using their secret addiction to soothe and meet emotional and or sexual needs.

Yes, he does need clinical help. He will not kick it on his own and even if he did have the capacity to do it (he would of years ago if this was the case) he does not have an objective clear view that would help him assess his needs, his insecurities, and his doubts. He may not feel an impetus to change as he does not have a lot of pressure from you or so it appears from your post. He also may not hit rock bottom and feel like it is a significant issue unless he feels and comes to know that it hurts you, and it hurts you badly. It can and will destroy your marriage. I have worked with many couples that are battling it, don’t mistake, it is addictive and will lead him to objectify you and fantasize about other women; he needs help.

I recommend that you get some counseling help. I also recommend you read my other posts on the subject of pornography. http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/blog/?cat=31

Listen to a good audio clip about how porn impacts the minds of men, 5 min. clip here: http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/audio/jason-evert.mp3

I have provided a list of links of articles that I feel can help you heal.
Is Pornography That Harmful? (Recommended)
Breaking the Chains of Pornography – LDS Ensign
Leaving Pornography Behind – LDS Ensign (Recommended)

Get a longer list of articles from the LDS Church.

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Blended Families – Will Counseling Help?

January 18, 2010 in Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “My husband and I have been married for nearly eighteen years. It has been turbulent much of the time. We both had teenagers from previous marriages when we blended our families. We both had careers. From the beginning we had very different styles especially in regards to finances. Since my previous husband had been a compulsive gamble who wiped us out financially I came in to this marriage very protective of my income. It would send my new husband into literal rages that I would want to have a separate bank account. Needless to say his reaction did nothing to foster trust. Then there were the children. I was to have all the responsibility of a step mother but none of the authority and there were LOTS of fights about that. Finally, because he refused to use any form of birth control I got pregnant at 42 and had baby girl. For a while it looked like she might be the solution to our problems and we are both intensely devoted to her (she’s nearly 11 now). I have not been very happy in my marriage but I have dedicated myself to staying in it for our daughter’s sake. Especially since I gave up my career when she was born and would find it very hard to support myself at this age and in this economy. About eighteen months ago I started to suffer from depression and went to counseling. My husband even came with me for several sessions and I thought we had gained some valuable tools and information on how to have a better marriage. I even thought he had some little appreciation for what depression is and how he could help me. Well, I am not attracted physically to him anymore since he has put on over a hundred pounds since we got married and I don’t like sex with him. (We agreed to once a week on payday) So he says he feels “like dog” about sex. For me it’s like a household chore I have to do once a week. Not a good thing, I know. I have lost count of how many times he has walked out or threatened to walk out over the years. I admit freely I have pushed him beyond his limit sometimes. During counseling we both make promises, however, to each other and to our therapist (we quit going last summer) that I would approach conversations in a non threatening way and he would not threaten to leave. Today I brought up some money issues in the safest way I knew since I was feeling betrayed about some money he had loaned or given his family members without letting me know up front. He got furious and threatened to leave. Just like all the times in the past I ended up groveling and begging him not to go and the whole conversation turned into how I was the bad guy. We are both nearing the end of our rope. I think we would like to make our temple marriage work and although there are no serious moral transgressions and we don’t want to hurt our daughter, if I can’t talk to him and feel depressed all the time what am I suppose to do? Do I go back to counseling on my own?”

Answer: Sounds like it has been a long journey, one fraught with much strife and tension. Blending families is challenging as you attempt to not only love and serve your spouse but also fill the needs that your teens have and all that entails. I can tell it has been difficult and that you want things to work, otherwise you would not be begging him to stay when he threatens to leave. I am encouraged that you went to counseling and gained some tools and skills to better work out the concerns in the marriage. I hear you saying there are a few issues that still are present. These issues appear three fold: the authority and role you have in the home, the trust you have in one another that appears to be about money but at the core is really trust, and your current depression and lack of happiness with the relationship. My recommendation would be that you get back into counseling. I hear you saying that the sexual relationship is rocky as well. I’d expect this, since the trust is limited and the contention high when issues come up; therefore the intimacy and or sexual piece is lacking and frustrated.

From your post it appears you have trust issues from your previous marriage and you are hyper-sensitive to him and his decisions. He also has trust issues of you for wanting a separate account. The issues that came into your marriage from your past histories limit the ability to resolve conflict due to hurts and fear from the past.  I honestly feel that both of need to engage in counseling so you can tackle the trust issues, parenting issues, lack of closeness and the processing of fears and pain from each of your previous marriages. The issues themselves are not the issue, the items listed in the series in the previous sentences are. Going and listening to a counselor will not be enough for each of you. A solid commitment to changing yourself and working daily along with a counselor is the key to making it happen.

I’d recommend you both read, Hold Me Tight, a book that hits at the core of the issues you are having. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Also, feel free to read my other posts on marriage.

http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/blog/?cat=17

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Curiosity and Sexual Touching With Young Children

January 17, 2010 in Teaching Morality by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I have a 6 year old daughter who is curious about her body. She unfortunately does not know what to do with that. She was caught earlier this year at school with a couple of boys in the bathroom touching each others genitalia. Then just recently she had another occurrence with another boy that was very similar. My wife and I are unsure how we can trust her, and what we should say to her to let her know how serious this issue is. I asked her how she felt when she thought about that, she said she felt bad, I tried to explain that she was feelings promptings that she should not do this, but I don’t know where to go from here. Any suggestions?”

Answer: I appreciate your inquiry. Your post indicates that your daughter has had two encounters with boys in which there was sexual touching. Many children at that age are curious and know of the ‘secret’ or ‘private’ parts of their bodies, even at six years old. I am presuming from her age that she is in either kindergarten or first grade. It is not uncommon for parents to find six year old boys playing with their genitals or making jokes about their penis or being curious about one anothers body parts. My concern is not her curiosity at this point, as that is normal. My concern is her curiosity had moved to exploring with multiple boys. You did not mention how old the boys were but even if they were her own age, 6, you have reason to be concerned. When I say concerned, I mean that teaching and helping her have a sense of boundaries and privacy is in short order. I would suggest speaking to her about the nature of our bodies and the sacredness of them. Speaking less about morality at this point and more about commandments and boundaries would be key. I would also find out what she did with the boys as well.  It is important to remember that guilt is normal as she feels according to your post, ‘bad’ for what she did. Ensure you let her discomfort with it be the end of it, and don’t shame her.  Guilt is the feeling that she did something wrong, and shame is guilt with an added layer of  “I am a bad and flawed me.”  Shame is toxic and can influence self-esteem and future relationships with boys and others. So, ensure you discuss her feelings and help her see that boundaries were crossed and that the touching was not appropriate. Ensure that you do not shame her during this process and reassure her that we all make mistakes and that you still love her and think she is a wonderful little girl. Your tone, body posture, and word usage will convey this love and reassure her that she can trust your constant love. Teach her to respect herself and others by establishing appropriate boundaries in the future.

Resources: CD/Activity books focused on teaching children to protect their minds and respect their bodies: http://www.britemusic.com/safety-kids-3-protect-their-minds-cd and http://www.britemusic.com/safety-kids-1-personal-safety-cd

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