Communication

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Verbally Abusive Husband, What Do I Do?

February 17, 2010 in Communication, Family of Origin, Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “My husband grew up in a very verbally abusive home. When his family fought there were harsh words always and things I never had in my home. Now that we are married and have been for 9 years when we get into arguments these words come out. He is usually a very sweet, and quiet man but when we argue he says things are as so hurtful. An example was the other day we fought about something silly and he got angry and said “I am about to get rid of your A**!” about an hour later he said sorry and that he does not mean to say those things they just come out because that is how is family was. My problem is I think it’s horrible to even say things especially if you don’t mean it. These words hurt even when I know he is not meaning it. I do not know how to handle these situations. I know sometimes I will say things that provoke him even more but still. How do I proceed with this?”

Answer: The scenario you spoke about is a common pattern in couples that come from homes that are high conflict. It also appears in ones that are not. The patterns of communication that are modeled by parents are often woven into the psyche of individuals as children and despite their disdain for the hurtful words, those same children grow up and replicate the behavior in their own marriages and families. In the case of your husband, it appears that he is aware that he has an issue with emotional outbursts and is also aware that he says things he really does not mean. This is a function of his inability to manage emotion and the idea that if he threatens you or hurts you he will feel better. It appears that you had a debate or argument. Instead of discussing his core emotions and issue with what you are saying he ends up threatening you and attempting to hurt you. The thinking is twisted in that it is clearly irrational but something he likely does over and over. The irrational piece of this pattern is that he thinks subconsciously that if he in fact hurts you by belittling or saying things that are caustic he will in some way ‘win’ or otherwise feel justified in his views of the argument and with his treatment of you. Now, all that being said, the family of origin is part of the issues. I underlined part as it is likely only about 25% of the cause of the issue. Just because he learned it from the family he was raised in does not mean he is helpless or a victim to those old patterns, though it does mean that for him breaking the pattern and learning to talk about his core upset or disagreement is clearly a mature and healthy way of doing it versus the immature punitive way he threatens or name calls you.

In the future when it comes up I’d simply respond that you can tell he is upset and ask about the upset. Inform him clearly and firmly that his name calling and disrespect will not be tolerated by you. Letting him know that you realize he is upset but that his ‘punishing’ you does not help you understand him but actually adds more tension and conflict, the very thing he is trying to avoid.

Stand your ground, it will take him some time. Be patient and remember that you teach your husband how to treat you by what you tolerate. Your putting up with it only shows him that he can get away with poor behavior and that you will in fact forgive and move on despite his continued slip ups. Draw the line, be patient, don’t react to him … do guide him to speak about the core of what he is feeling thus helping him not fall into patterns of critical remarks that only lead to more conflict and hurt.

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After 43 years of marriage …

February 11, 2010 in Communication, Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “After 43 years of marriage all of a sudden my husband is saying “thank you for going out to dinner with me tonight.” I don’t know why this upsets me. Of COURSE we go out to dinner together. He makes it sound like he is in charge and is thanking me. I don’t know why it upsets me so much.”

Answer: It sounds like a few things are going on in the marriage and within your own cognitive process. From the information you provided, it appears that you have a sense that he is speaking down to you or that he is thanking you in a patronizing way. I don’t have a solid sense of the history other than you have been married for 43 years and are irritated that he is thanking you for the evening out. I’d encourage you to think about the following questions to better understand why you are finding it upsetting.

  1. Do you or have you found him to be condecending in the past to you? If so might his thanking you be a similar tone and pattern to the past? If not, was his tone one of “thank you for doing me a favor” or “thank you for going out, I really enjoyed being with you”?
  2. Are you secure in your own core Self? If not, did his thanking you spark a sense of insecurity and fuel thoughts that he might be speaking down to you? Typically insecurity flows out in relationships with reactivity and ones being easily irritated. Taking a look in and reviewing your inner Self would help here in your review.
  3. Is there something wrong or ill of his being appreciative of the evening out? If he has not expressed appreciation in the past, is it too late to start now?

Tone, marital history, and the vibe at the time the comment was made is key to understanding his motive. Simply asking him might be helpful in understanding his thought process. The key though, is your looking within as to why his saying this sparked the irritation. The questions above can assist you in reviewing your sense of the relationship and how that may play a role in why he is talking the way he is following your dinner.

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Christmas Eve Drama, Am I In Error?

February 2, 2010 in Uncategorized by JustinS | No comments

Question: “Am I being unreasonable? My husband and I have been married for seven years. It is a second marriage for both of us after being previously widowed. I brought 2 children into the marriage; a son now 20 and a daughter 18. My husband brought 3 children; his eldest daughter now 24, middle daughter 22 (and now married) and a son 20. As I think most people can appreciate “blended” families – even when proceeding with the best intentions – are incredibly challenging. We have overcome all sorts of problems over the years but as our children are getting older there seems to be a lot less conflict between us. My question is in regard to what happened this Christmas Eve. We had been invited to my husband’s brother’s home for what we understood was an “open house” type event. We said we might drop by later in the evening. That afternoon we had a phone message from them and it seemed that there were some crossed wires and they had expected us for dinner. My husband returned the call and said sorry about the misunderstanding but we were having dinner at home. So we had all but one of our children here for dinner (including our son-in-law). Which because of one of our daughter’s different religious affiliation hasn’t happened since our very first Christmas together. We had spent days getting ready for this. On the day itself we were running late in part because we were waiting for one of our sons to return from college before going to get a Christmas tree. We gave thanks at the dinner table and I said I was thankful that I could bake and cook for the people that I love and care about. Just as we finished dinner we were joined by our final child. I was so happy that we were all together. We moved from the dinner table and were sitting around the tree, talking, laughing and happy to be together. The kind of rare moment when I look at all of us and think: it’s been really difficult at times but were all in this together and it’s good. My husband said he felt he needed to at least make at appearance at his brother’s open house. We all objected. We wanted to play cards or charades. I reminded him that one of our daughters had to work Christmas Day so for her this was it. He said because of the misunderstanding he felt he had to go. I again objected and told him I thought this was crazy. He reassured me he’d be right back and he left taking two of the kids with him. I was so upset I had to leave the room to compose myself. This left my two biological children and my stepdaughter and son-in-law. When I came back to the living room my stepdaughter and her husband had drifted off looking for swimsuits to sit in our hottub. That left me and my two children. Obviously I was very upset but tried to hid that. We talked for a while before saying goodnight. I got into bed and when my husband came home I’m ashamed to say I pretended to be asleep. I just felt so angry, furious really, that I didn’t feel I could face him. I had been fighting some kind of flu bug for the last few days and on Christmas morning could hardly drag myself out of bed. We both got up early to see our daughter before she had to go off to work. But I returned to bed for several hours. I tried to get up to join everyone to open presents but wasn’t able. I spent the next three days in bed. When I was able to I said to my husband “Do you know that I see what you did on Christmas Eve as really destructive?” His only response was “Is that so?” I told him “Yes. That’s so. And I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings about it”. He said nothing more and I was still feeling so unwell that I just let that sit. He went to work the following day and I sent him an email telling him I felt about what had happened. I told him the whole situation reminded of the definition of a cynic: someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. I ended the email telling him that I loved him but was so furious that I didn’t know what to do with all this emotion. He ignored the email for a further two days. I then (by this time I was feeling weak but better) I brought it up again. He told me that maybe I should just live alone. If I didn’t have expectations of him I wouldn’t be so disappointed all the time. He told me that I was being narcissistic. I was thinking only about myself. He was very calm, trying to be logical and I was getting emotional. I told him he seemed smug and superior that he was able to remain unemotional but I was his wife. I am distressed. This has hurt me. I left the room then because I will not engage with him when I am overwhelmed or crying. I was driving him to work the next day and I said “you know – we aren’t going to get a divorce over this. So I’m still upset about what happened on Christmas Eve but now I’m also upset that you ignored me repeatedly and you’re actually going to have to deal with this. I’m not some unreasonable witch you know”. Yes you are he told me. I asked him to repeat what he said and he told me that I was being an unreasonable witch about this. Obviously this whole conversation didn’t go well. I ended up in tears. He took the opportunity to yell at me (which he later apologized for) telling me that I dig-dig-dig, that I berate him and more. A few days pass and he finally tells me he’s sorry the fallout from this but he can’t apologize for leaving on Christmas Eve because he didn’t have any bad intentions. So again my question would be: am I being unreasonable here? Was “destructive” too strong a word to use (which he says is what set him off)? I feel he did ruin our “family” Christmas Eve. I’d appreciate any insight into this you can offer.”

Answer: Thanks for all the lengthy details. I’ll be brief here but direct. The bottom line is that you have your hopes for Christmas and your husband had his. He chose to leave to save face with his brother, again his choice. You chose to stay with the kids and enjoy the moments at that point in the evening. You are connected, as a married couple but are also autonomous. He is not an appendage to you nor you to him. Now, all that being said, he worried more about what his brother thought than what his own wife thought/felt or his own kids. There is not anything horrible or destructive about his leaving, he did in fact bring two of the kids with him. I do feel that was a poor choice to leave considering the circumstances.

I feel you are in error in getting upset and refusing to communicate with him and not coming in to engage with the family for the days following. Again, if your husband is going to make poor choices, that does not mean you need to engage in withdrawal following Christmas eve etc otherwise you are in as much error as he is considering his choices that night. I realize you are hurt and upset at his choices and the fact is you would do better actually distancing yourself enough emotionally to not remain so attached to his foolish decision.

Now, he needs a good course in listening when you spoke to him about your anger and hurt from what he did. I’d suggest you look into your allowing him to make poor choices and not allowing it to infuriate you so much that you shut down and don’t enjoy the time yourself. Now, I realize this is not as easy as I just made it but remembering that he is connected to you yet autonomous as well with his own thoughts and hopes.

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My Husband Is Leaving Me, Help!

February 2, 2010 in Communication, Divorce by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I am too glad I have found your blog. I am currently going through a tough time, my husband filled for divorce a year and a half of marriage and as you imagine I am devastated. I have been trying to reason with him that feelings like being overwhelmed and learning how to adjust and be  married is normal in the first two years of marriage but I literally feel like I am talking to myself. All I hear from him is this is final, you need to accept it. He told me he lost his testimony and that he wants us to be happy but not with each other cause we were not meant to be together. I am really confused and angry at time since this was not the case when we decided to marry in the temple and we made commitments to each other, now that he is breaking. I am feeling guilty about my divorce, I feel that he is taking a easy way out of our marriage and I can not stand the thought of not giving my 100% on working and solving all that can be solved. We had arguments in the past, he is a very sensitive man and so am I but not as much as he is. He has dealt with depression in his childhood, entered MTC and had to get out due to depression and then gave it another try later or after therapy, struggled on the mission field but he came out of it victorious and loved every minute of it. I am scared he is feeling the same about our marriage too this time around, he just wants out and there is nothing I can do or say to make him want/ desire to work on our marriage. I feel overwhelmed with a lot of guilt and despair that I can not see myself getting out of this situation ever feeling like the same person again. We need to learn how to be married and how to manage our arguments/ differences. We had arguments that he never expressed how he felt about them, he would just leave it to that, I would say sorry it came down to a fight, and he would just say okay. Never actually talked about the issue, never told me what was that really bothered him, he just kept it all in till it came to a point where he picked up his stuff and left. I have been getting a lot of outside perspectives on the relationship, and it all comes down to him having a mental disability and that he was brought up by parents that would pay his bills. That does not give me comfort. I want to be married to this man because I love him and I chose to be with knowing how sensitive he is and wanting to be his eternal companion and lift each other up when we fall. But all he tells me it is that it is final. He is sad about the situation but he is just done. Now I am dealing with depression and I come off as very desperate when I try to talk to him, and that is probably making him step back even more. I just need some advice on how I can make him want to save our marriage even after constantly telling me we’re done. Is it possible to save my marriage??

Answer: It appears from your post that you are clearly worried about the nature of the marriage and the prospects for the future of it surviving. From your post I gathered a few key items. It appears the marriage has conflict and misunderstandings. This is normal! Most marriages especially in the first few months and into the first year to have more than normal misgivings and at times contentious bouts due to insecurity and the segue into the couple married relationship from singlehood. My concern for you at this point is not the development of the marriage but the nature of where you are at now in the marriage. Your husbands saying it is final is a firm stand. What does he mean by final? Has he moved out with his parents or on his own? When you mention he has a mental disability what disability are you referring too? I don’t have much history from your post but surmise that there is more than you could put on the post. His jumping up and saying he is out of the marriage has got to be fueled by things he is feeling at present or in past.

My guidance for you is to not beg him back, doing so will likely drive him farther away as he’ll likely see you as desperate and needy. You are a woman and deserve to be respected and you disrespect yourself in begging him home or the like. Instead, attempt to speak to him about why he wants to leave. When you do speak, don’t debate or justify; simply listen to him and hear him out. This will help you understand what is happening. It is clear that you and him need to get into some couples counseling to get a handle on if you are doing to divorce or not. I’d visit with him about going to counseling not to save the marriage but to sort out if it will last, if it will stand and if you both want in it. Yes, you’ve both made covenants but if he is already halfway out the door he is not worried about those so approaching him on a spiritual bases about what he has promised will likely hold little merit for him. Again, I’d instead lead him with you into couples counseling to figure out what you both want.

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