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My Husband Is “Intimately” Checked-Out – Help!

August 9, 2010 in Intimacy, Marriage, Sexuality, Uncategorized by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I’m a 30 year old LDS mother of three (4,3,1)and have been married to my husband(35 year-old) for 10 years. From when we got married and we started being intimate I got the feeling that my sex drive was a lot higher than my husband’s. I wanted to be intimate with him all the time and he didn’t seem as interested as me. I’m always the one asking my husband to be with me and sometimes I’m in luck but the other times I end up feeling rejected and feeling bad about myself. I’ve tried not to focus on that too much so I’ve been more focused on my kids, work and home. We have gone as long as 10 months without intimacy just because I didn’t say anything. He also very rarely kisses me on the lips. He thinks he only needs to kiss me when we actually get intimate, but sometimes all I want is a kiss and nothing else. I’m silently desperate for intimacy and romance from my husband. Is there something wrong with me or him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he changes the conversation and says I’m being silly. Help!!”

Answer: I appreciate your writing in. It is normal for couples when they first marry to be semi-unaware of the physical and emotional needs connected to sexual intimacy. Many couples marry and engage in a disproportionate amount of sexual intimacy due to the newness and excitement found in sexual connection. In time, most couples have a slow down, or period in which things become stable and consistent pattern of frequency come into play for how they connect sexually.

From your post it sounds like you are more sexually cued up that he is. I mean that your sexual energy and libido as it is called, is larger than his. This is not abnormal as I have worked with scores and scores of couples and no two partners typically have the exact same sexual frequency. In the literature they call it high-desire or low-desire. Again, neither is bad nor good as it is not a moral issue but it just is. The catch for couples, is that they learn to get into a pattern of what works for both partners and leaves the couple feeling enriched and bonded following the sexual connecting. It sounds as if you are approaching him for connection and he is less interested, which I’d frame as lower-desire. You may be interpreting it as less interested as in he is not ‘into’ you. I’d caution you on that. It may be that he is, but more than likely his sexual frequency is lower and thus his needs are different. Have you spoken to him about your feeling rejected or hurt when you’ve felt he is not interested in you sexually? I’d highly suggest speaking about it, or writing him a letter about it and then following it up with a conversation. He can’t understand you if you want him to simply figure out what you want by guessing. Most couples on average have sexual interaction at least weekly. According to research, couples that have sex 3x per week or more are considered high-desire and couples that are 1x every other week are low desire. Marriages with sex less than 1x in three months, are considered non-sexual marriages.

Intimacy is something that runs far deeper than sexual intercourse. Intimacy is clearly about union, closeness, and passion in the heat of a relationship. I feel your husband needs to re-evaluate his desires or lack thereof for intimacy and I don’t mean sex either. I am talking about his connection to you. For you, I’d recommend speaking to him about your needs and hopes from your heart. You mentioned talking to him about it and him responding you’re silly. I’d instead look deeper at how you are presenting yourself. You will teach him how to treat you by what you tolerate and put up with. I’d suggest approaching him in a different way in a way that will help him hear your heart not merely the words that he can avoid and minimize as silly. Also, affection and closeness with hugs, touch, and small kisses are part of a healthy marriage not just precursors and foreplay before sexual connection.

Clearly your talking about it together will provide the solutions for frequency and preferences. Good luck in your journey.

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Dealing With A Distant & Avoidant Husband

January 26, 2010 in Communication, Marriage by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “I’m so conflicted on whether to leave my husband or not. We’ve been married for almost 25 years and have 3 grown children (youngest is 18). We have no emotional relationship. What I mean by this is that we live in the same house but it’s more like we are roommates instead of husband and wife. There is no physical contact between us unless it is initiated by me – I have to be the one to give a hug – I have to be the one to hold his arm or grab his hand – he never does it. Any communication we have – which is minimal – is him telling me all about his work or his bowling. He has NEVER asked me about how I’m doing or how my day is. When I am sick he has never asked me how I’m doing or if there is something he can do for me. Up until a year ago I made sure that we had the physical contact and also made sure to ask how he was doing, how his day had gone, ect. When I ask him why he doesn’t hold my hand or ask me how I’m doing he always says that he doesn’t remember to do it and that he has a bad memory. I started leaving little notes “have a wonderful day’ type messages on his car, the bathroom ect. He never responded. So I tried again put reminders on the bathroom mirror things like “ give me a hug, ask me how my work in going, squeeze my shoulder, ask me how I’m doing. I felt for sure this would get some type of response from him but he didn’t even acknowledge that the writing was there. So now, this last July, I wrote him a long letter that I gave him when I went to visit my family (I felt he needed time to read and think about what I was saying). I wrote exactly how I was feeling about his actions / inactions, and what I needed from him. I told him that I could not continue to live like this, that I was emotionally drained and that I would have to leave if things did not change but that I was willing to work on the relationship if he could show me, by his actions, that he was willing to make some changes too. When I came home, there were a few minor changes and he gave me a hug everyday for a about a week, and then the frequency swiftly dropped off. Again, in December, I said that nothing had changed since the summer and asked him to not buy me any gift, that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was for him to re-read that letter and take it seriously. Still nothing has changed. So now comes my dilemma, I’m not getting from him what I desperately need but is it right for me to leave him. He has never physically or mentally abused me. I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me he is a hard worker and generally a good person’ but we have no real relationship. I know that I could continue to live like this but it would be me giving up a part of me settling with existing. I know I can be happy on my own but part of me doesn’t want to be alone. I feel like I am staying with him just so I don’t have to be alone. I also know that leaving him would hurt him and be financially difficult for him. I do care about what happens to him because we have been married for so long but I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what is right to do.”

Answer: Sounds like you are living in a marriage but most of the time still feel single. It is sad to hear about all your attempts to reach your husband with notes and other cues to help him wake up and catch a clue as to what your needs are. I find from your post above that you really have attempted to reach him with the notes, with the letter, and your verbal requests. You mentioned that the relationship is not caustic or contentious. I might add that damaging relationships need not be contentious only but they can be quite the opposite and still be unhealthy, silent treatment, avoidance, and stonewalling are all maneuvers that spouses engage in that take little energy but are really unhealthy. From what you stated it sounds like avoidance is his primary function, to work, provide and otherwise cohabitate. I say cohabitation since there is no physical and emotional intimacy between you both.

I’d recommend a few things. I’d first read John Gottman’s book on healthy marriages to get a good baseline on what healthy marriages look like. I’d then not get hung up on the details with your husband, you’ve got 25 years behind you and I don’t think you should end it just yet. I’d rethink the nature of your friendship and slowly start building it. If he is checked out and avoiding and comfortable with it you likely will not get him to respond to all your cues or any of them right at first. I’d suggest instead work on building the friendship and moving to a position of baseline friendship, the foundation of healthy marriages. Now, I realize you don’t feel close to him or that you don’t currently don’t feel like you love him. That is fine, but you need to start with slow friendship in a manner to parse out the marriage and what can happen.

He sounds pretty self-focused as well. I’d instead try and not get him to ask about you, instead have him talk about himself something he’s willing to do by asking about him. This is natural, any man or women wants their spouse to speak to them and inquire as it shows love and genuine interest. He is shut down enough you will likely not get him to engage with you even per your asking. If you can’t beat him, join him. I’d line up some solid conversations with him about bowling. Listen to him, hear him out, ask, and otherwise build the friendship on that note. Hey, if you go all the way, get a date lined up to go bowling with him! Again, the thought here is not to build his ego or manipulate him at all but to instead generate conversation with him and build friendship. Also, it may not be comfortable at first but this is just opening the door a crack.

I cannot answer all of this complex phenomenon that distant avoidant spouses engage in during this short post but don’t give up hope, you have a lot of options you really need to be open to thinking ‘out of the box’ and be open to doing some of your own work so as to be able to work with him.

Working with a husband that is emotionally shut down is difficult, even for therapists let alone a wife that is trying and lonely and hurt. I’d recommend starting to work with a counselor, just you at first to get some of your bases covered and start to get your own hurt and pain worked through. I’d then suggest a good dose of couples counseling.

Please see the video below for more specifics on divorce and marriage.

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Marriage Turbulence

October 8, 2009 in Marriage by JustinS | 1 comment

delta-airplaneSo I’m on a plane at the moment, typing this blog post offline, while flying to Boston to network and speak with some other therapists on the East Coast. While on this flight, a long 5+ hour journey, the flight attendant has announced twice to “fasten your seatbelts, as the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelts light, and we are experiencing some turbulence”. I’ve had some of my current cases on my mind; marriages specifically that are in a state of turbulence.

Often couples don’t come into therapy due to the stigma that it appears to carry in certain cultures. Within LDS culture there tends to be a stigma in some areas that therapists are for those that are failing at home or that “just need to live the gospel” and yes, we do need to live the gospel that is our base, the sure foundation. Yet with these stigmas, couples life stable marriages due to the resistance of divorce but often unhappy! I see very stable marriages that also are very unhappy. You’d ask, “How can it be stable if they are unhappy?” Well, the prospects of divorce especially with kids in LDS culture aren’t very good. We are a family church, one that prizes eternal families and marital fidelity. Most feel that they already have the answers they just need to live them. Yes, the Family Proclamation does give us an outline of the framework of how families can and should operate. We do have the answers and yet are mortal and couple conflict and divorce still runs in our culture as much as some want to say it does not, and it is on the rise. While having the answers and the bedrock of the gospel, many couples that are locked in emotional gridlock can’t see with clarity due to hurt, contention, and at times bitterness thus stumble through their marriage with petty fights and quarrels that often are not ever resolved nor do they gain skills to prevent them in the future. These couples, no matter how many answers they feel that have, often cannot get patterns worked out. Patterns are ways of living that have become part of the emotional ‘dance’ or groove that couples fall into out of habit. Fact is that some of the most solid marriages are of couples that do work on their relationship and those that do still at times experience some turbulence value their marriage high enough that they seek outside help. We are not talking months of therapy, but often 4-7 sessions to iron old or existing issues out and gain skills to better meet their spouse’s needs.

Some resources I suggest you look into if you want solid professional guidance for your marriage but want to do so through some personal reading first are by John Gottman. He’s a marriage expert, one I reference as such. He has written a book I read over a decade ago when it just hit the press and I have referred couples to countless times. The book chronicles the important elements of not merely fixing or building marriage but gives solid sound guidance in making it work. Many self-help books provide a laundry list of what I call sunshine theories, ideas that will help your marriage for a day then just when the sun sets it fades. The text is called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and provides insights about what makes marriage last. This book can help, but if the patterns are really deep often books like this can support but it takes counseling to work through them.

Also, take a look at the readings I have indexed too. Those can be a huge resource too. It is located on my primary site, www.ldsphonecounseling.com under ‘Reading Resources’.

Finding a good couples counselor is key; one that balances ferreting through the past and working in the now. What I mean by ‘working in the now’ is that they help you and your spouse in the present to gain skills, tools, and awareness of your dynamics and patterns. Therapists that don’t get this flow often spend time digging up too much of the history and end up wasting the couples time and money. Couples therapists often are trained in Emotionally Focused Couples therapy which I recommend for couples that are high conflict or alternatively have a lot of emotional distance with one another.

What if my partner won’t work on it? Good question, many ask themselves this and feel stuck. Often stating, “Why would I want to work on my marriage if he/she doesn’t want to work on it. It won’t work!” I hear that often and the fact is that often you must start with you. Dragging your spouse in or begging usually doesn’t net good results initially anyway so taken from a long-term perspective you’d be best off starting to change you. Typically trying to change small things about you is something you can control and does make an impact on the relationship. I’m not talking about moving mountains here either; I am talking like changing your tone and body language when you talk. Simple adjustments you can make today that will have a profound impact on how your spouse sees and interacts with you. Small changes do provide a softening that can allow and create space for larger shifts to occur and discussions to be had.

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Pornography Use In My Marriage

September 22, 2009 in Pornography by JustinS | No comments

thatbadQuestion: “I am a Mormon member that is currently in good standing with the church. I occasionally (not every time) I have sex with my wife look at a porn magazine to get us going. We are completely committed to each other. She is ok with it, I think it seems to get her in a sex kind of mood. I realize that porn for those that are single is not right but what about for a married man that just wants to spice it up? We don’t do anything kinky or weird either.”

Answer: I appreciate your question. I’ve worked with couples in similar situations. My answer will be brief here as I don’t have all the details and history regarding your pornography use and that nature of the sexual behavior but I do have enough for a response here.  Pornography impact the male brain in clearly different ways than a female brain. Men, more often than not, are visually stimulated. Most women on the other hand are driven more by connection and verbiage from their spouse. The difficultly with your use of pornography is that you are using it as a stimulus to arouse you and move your mind into sexual behavior and thinking. My concern is that you are using the sexual images to arouse you and thus your wife is merely a byproduct of the sexual thinking, that comes after you are aroused. The difficulty with pornogaphy is that it numbs the senses. The relationship, bond, and beauty of your wife is what typically arouses sexually healthy men. My concern is you are using static images outside of your marriage to get ‘turned on.’ I have worked with many couples, some now divorced that started viewing sexually explicit content in an attempt to ‘spice it up’ and ended up slowly but surely looking outside of their marriage for satisfaction. Sexual behavior is a relational activity, not merely a biological one. If you are consuming the pornography like you would a food you are merely trying to get your appetites met, not bond, build, and connect.  Sexual arousal releases chemicals in your brain that your brain, a simple organ, wants to replicate just as it would nicotine, pizza, or ice-cream. The difficulty is that our bodies are hardwired to want to increase please and to also be sexual. It is during this consumption of porn that individuals become demanding and selfish. That is my fear for you and your spouse, that you will become more liberal with your sexuality and not find pleasure and arousal with each other, but with things or people that are not even real to you. The fact of the matter is, the women you are using to get aroused by are someones mother, someones sister, and possibly someones wife. When you leave the safety of your marriage and that commitment/covenant you will find yourself thrown into a sea of venues that promise fulfillment and excitement but lead you to a place of loneliness and sorrow. Church leaders have been clear, most have referred to it as ‘a plague’.

My questions with that are the following:

  • Is your wife really happy that you use porn prior to sexual activity with her? How can you be sure?
  • Do you fantasize about these women you view while having sex or being sexual with your wife?
  • How often do you find yourself ”rubber necking’ as you watch women in your everyday life and you consider them in an objectified and sexual way?
  • What does your spirit tell you? Is your sexual encounter or experience with your wife more about getting it on and done or about connecting, feeling, and enjoying each other?

Please read my article on pornography use and its impact on individuals and their relationships.  I have some resources and links within it about assessing if you are addicted to pornography or sexual behavior.

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