Depression

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In A Depression With Chronic Illness

February 3, 2010 in Chronic Illness, Depression by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I suffer from chronic illness and depression and was put on disability because of it. In other words, I get sick very easily. A couple years ago I had endometrial cancer and the illness has grown worse this past year and 1/2 and the depression too. I recently lost my brother in November which hasn’t helped and living in Alaska and a non-supportive family and ward. Sometimes I don’t even dress until about 2 o’clock and do my housework then! I used to have all kinds of energy and be very social. I also have a bad foot and it hurts to even walk. I was hoping to move to Oregon so I could be in a climate with a lot less winter. The rent is so much cheaper than Alaska and I thought I could at least get a small house with a yard and a bicycle. I know a lot of my depression is from living in Alaska in a remote area with no a lot to do. Plus, I’ve had some people in the ward and area where I live who’ve not been so nice to me, including women living me stranded along the side of the road on the way to the temple, being super rude to me in my callings, etc., etc. Sometimes I don’t even want to go to church anymore. I lived in an awesome ward where I lost a lot of weight, had a very supportive bishop who loved me, and I felt good about myself. Now all I get from my family is–”we can’t stand you, get a life, etc. which doesn’t help at all.”

Answer: I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so. It must be so overwhelming to have the physical challenges and feel like you also don’t have the emotional support from others. It does not sound like you have a lot of support from others. It sounds like you need to lean on a support system that you create; yet the difficulty is that when depressed you likely don’t have the energy or hope to create such a system. My guidance to you is three fold.

Spiritually you’ll need to start reading and praying daily. Getting a good dose of spiritual worship and a clearer sense of who you are and your relationship to God is key. This is first and foremost.

Emotionally you’ll need to begin to deny and not allow your mind to entertain the follies and rudeness that comes from others, family or friends. Don’t allow that to further your depression. When others are ‘off course’ and rude don’t put up with it. Don’t allow your mind to consume and ruminate on their comments. You have to much living to do to allow yourself to deal with their issues and baggage.

Physically you’ve got to get into a structure and start having dailies. Dailies are things you do each day no matter what. Get into a routine that includes dailys that stretch your mind, your body, your spirit. Follow a pattern that gives you stability and ability to predict your day.

Clinically you’d be best served by seeing a therapist. I realize you are in a remote area. I’d recommend a solid book that will help you work through your issues. It would be well worth the purchase, but only if you are serious about leaving the depression behind. The Feeling Good Handbook – David Burns, M.D.

Also, here are some articles you may be interested in reading.
http://tiny.cc/nxDEp , http://tiny.cc/oF8GY, and for a long list of LDS articles go here. You can locate the article list then list of articles. Then go to top of page and go to the official LDS site and obtain the articles.

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Anxious Wife, Depressed Husband; Help!

November 28, 2009 in Depression, Finances by JustinS | No comments

saddadQuestion: “This is a multiple question…. We’ve been married over 15 yrs., 5 kids. My husband has been self employed most our marriage and done well until a couple years ago. When the economy changed drastically, so did our lives. We moved 300 miles away to make another venture work and all that seemed to happen was my husband getting depressed. He has never been depressed or anxious until this point. In this time we lived mostly be selling our excess of things or odd jobs but that could only last so long. He was feeling bad for everything and more. My biggest issue is our finances and dealing with the ups and downs of depression and anxiety. It is not my want to be real involved or decisive in money. Yet he is making a lot of bad decisions, some I know and others I think I know. He is just trying to get from one day to another but the choices I feel are making our situation worse. Checking accounts in a bad way etc. our credit is shot from all our previous choices. I don’t feel ingenious enough to get him to get a good job, or find ways to make the money needed to live. I will stress on $ when we are trying to decide on what to do with $ and he says he will make it work (which is saying he wants it and let’s do it and maybe he’ll make it work)….. I hate hearing that. When it comes down to it, he is more stressed and pressured to figure something out. He was suicidal for a while and was seeing a therapist. When he feels overwhelmed he feels that he is going back into that darkness. I am barely hanging on myself and have my own anxiety issues, how am I suppose to continue this way? I get very angry very easily with the situation, dealing with kids and life, etc. Now with the holidays coming and to be “happy” and afford anything for the kids is more pressure coming our way. I know I am babbling, and am randomly just talking, sorry. He did hold a job for awhile but it just felt like we were trying to catch up and never quite there. We have also tried to lessen our outgo of $ each month. We have moved several times in the last 2 yrs and our bills seem to just continue to get behind. We have been doing better going to church but it is our weak area. We both feel with all our bad choices and lack of spirituality in our lives it is never going to get better. He is finally actively working on getting a job that should pay the bills but there are so many things we are behind on, I feel like we are drowning and there is no help to get us afloat. How do we remedy this when with choices he has made or I have made that have caused us and our family so much agony and stress? The financial choices are of Satan and how do we right this? I have so much guilt for allowing it to happen or helping my own self. What can I do to truly find peace? Thank you in advance for any of your time you spend on this. Any answer I feel will make it better.”

Answer: Thanks for writing. From your post, it appears that you are dealing with a ton of stress and anxiety produced by financial pressures as well as being a mother and wife. It also sounds like from your report that your husband is suicidal that he is really struggling too. He must feel the pressure of providing and struggling to do so really does usher in depression for many men, especially during this time of recession and financial struggle. I’ll get right down to the key points below that can help you along on your path.

Sounds like you are feeling pretty guilt ridden due to the choices he has made and ones you have made. The fact is, you cannot change what you did, that is water under the bridge. Don’t let your mind obsessively think about “what if” that only tires you more mentally and spiritual and fuels the guilt and at times shame. Guilt is the “I feel bad for the financial decisions I made” and can grow worse to shame which is “I am a flawed or ‘bad’ mom for making those decisions.” At this point, you really need to regroup with him. You mentioned not wanting to be in on the finances. I suggest you toss that old idea that he’ll be the one to run things and instead shoulder the load with him. Shouldering looks like making a budget and discussing the financial setting you are in openly with him. He may feel alone and that he can handle it, most men do; but they can’t. They need their wife’s support and love. In light of his past depression and darkness and suicidality he really needs to be ‘yoked’ with you. So, don’t wait, join him together. I know you must be buried with your own duties and tasks as a mother of five children. Just that task alone without the financial stress is overwhelming.

The kids must sense it on some level. They may not be aware of all the details but they are very perceptive at picking up on vibes and dynamics that shift as parental moods fluctuate with anxiety and depression. I recommend that you join one another on a mission to unite your marriage first off. Speak with your husband about your fears and concerns. Hopefully he can listen and support you as he listens. Also, ensure you ask about his. Create a plan, something that is achievable and measurable. Moving forward in a plan to ‘try harder’ isn’t’ going to cut it. You need to have discrete steps of what you’ll do. Again, you cannot fix the past, merely author the chapter you are in now! I realize there are chapters you’ve written in your family legacy you don’t like but you’ve got to get a grip now on the status of the family and get first things first. I highly recommend you read booklet, “One For The Money” it can help you start to sort things out.

You mentioned wanting peace. I have a few questions for you as a mother and wife. What do you do each day for you, just you? I call it self-care. You need to engage in some kind of self-care outside your mothering and being a spouse. So, get with some kind of self-care, go for a walk, read 20 minutes in a good book, buy yourself ice-cream on way home from grocery shopping etc. Next question, are you taking time to be still? Being still means being calm and meditating or pondering. This cannot look like your obsessing about finances but being still and getting centered and being present. Learning to be mindful and aware is key if you plan on feeling alert and rational in your parenting and emotional stability. Here are more details on mindfulness, please use this link to get the details on it. You also can glean blessings from the Lord, but only if you seek Him for them. I recommend that you bare minimum pray daily and plead with him about your situation. Also heading out to church and getting regular with that can help immensely. Also, ensure your husband is getting help regarding his clear clinical depression and suicidal thoughts. I realize money is tight but you cannot afford to not have him stable and rational. He needs help, please see that he gets it. If he is feeling like he needs to talk when he falls into the ‘darkness’ of thought as you spoke of it he can call toll free 24hrs a day 800-273-TALK and visit, this is a free service for all Americans that are depressed and that may be suicidal. This service is provided and supported by the federal government.

You can do it, it will take some work, a lot of it. You have a lot of work on your plate as a mother and wife. Don’t give up, your children need you. They are counting on you. May you be blessed as you move forward with your family.

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Angry Mom or Daycare?

November 24, 2009 in Toddlers by JustinS | No comments

veryangryQuestion: “I am a 30 year old married, LDS mother of two (ages 4 and 2). I am a stay at home mom and have been since my oldest was born. Since the birth of my second child two years ago I have experienced a decline in my happiness and ability to hold it together. I feel angry and tired. I feel lonely and sad. I am highly irritable and I am finding no pleasure or fulfillment in motherhood. I often wish I hadn’t had children. I go on drives alone in the car and scream and rage. I am an angry mom and I yell at my children. My husband is supportive, but certainly has limits. We have been to marital counseling. I am in the throws of a deep, seemingly unending depressive state and I can’t get out of it. In light of my complete dissatisfaction with being a stay at home mom, I am considering getting a full time job and finding a daycare solution for my children. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can take care of others because right now I can’t. So which is worse: A totally checked out, angry mom or daycare??”

Answer: I appreciate the question. It appears you are really struggling. You mentioned you are having difficulty with finding happiness and an ability to hold it together. I know with children that it can be very difficult to manage due to the emotional demands and small crisis that seem to occur by the minute with children at those ages. You posed a question postulating two answers, daycare or angry mom. I wish it were that simple. Having them in daycare may in fact help you get some breathing room but likely will not reach down and pull you from the depressive state you mentioned you are in. I don’t have all the details but you provided enough for me to answer here with some guidance. I’d suggest you move away from a linear solution, meaning the thought that it is the children solely that are causing what you referenced as “throws of a deep, seemingly unending depressive state”. You did candidly talk about your being in marital counseling as well. My question would be what are the assumptions, thought processes, and hopes you have as a mother currently? These likely are fueling your depression and felt sense of hopelessness. The driving alone and screaming in the car is not uncommon. I have spoken to male and female clients alike that have engaged in a ‘primal scream’ when alone upset with the overwhelming feelings of stress based on work or family. I know that must be really difficult to manage at this time.

Does finding a job and getting away from the children really help long term? Maybe. That is one solution of many. This solution is based upon the assumption that getting away from the children will in fact help alleviate your depression and felt sense of unhappiness. Granted, the kids are influencing your feeling overwhelmed I wonder if there are other things in your life that are fueling the depression. Your marriage? Inner issues, like self-esteem? On that same note, what does your husband think, is he supportive of having the kids in daycare?

My thought for you is to visit with your husband and iron out the list of options. I also suggest meeting with a therapist and sifting through the issues that are fueling the depression and unhappiness; I am confident that the kids are only a small piece of it. I’d suggest your getting into a more healthy place personally before you make a decision to put them in daycare. Bonding and attachment are key developmental tasks that, when interrupted, complicate and confuse the children that are familiar with you parenting them. I’m not an advocate of daycare in most cases, with some exceptions. If you have children and can raise them they’ll do best within your care. I do not recommend having others teach and nurture your own children, I feel that is  task for you and your husband. Now that stated, you’ll need to seek some professional guidance and really sort out the emotional and mental challenges. Also, are you on medication? Something to look into following a full course of counseling for depression. I’ve seen cases of parents completely overwhelmed with children that did some solid couples and individual counseling and are now able to reframe and rebuild the nature of the home and dynamics within it. They then found that they can be happy and could of been prior but were buried in frustration and fear of being trapped in with chaotic kids.

I realize your situation is  not as simple as putting them in daycare or being home and angry. I honestly feel you’ll need to do more of your own inner work before you can make a decision on what is best for your children and marriage.  Clearly you want to have the best for your children. From your post it is clear that you regret yelling and being angry with them. I have worked with mothers in the past that are frustrated and struggling to deal with their kids while finding happiness and enjoyment in such a taxing role. I recommend reading, A Joyful Mother of Children, a text about the very issue you are facing. Also, here are some good articles on the topic of motherhood. Also, you may want to read my previous post on depression as well.

Best of luck in your journey. On another note, the role you play is quite noble. Men don’t cry in battle for their fathers, they don’t become violent when their fathers are threatened, it is their mothers they look to. Their mothers, for most boys, are the bedrock they rely on. Don’t quit, your children are counting on you.

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Depression … Am I Depressed?

November 16, 2009 in Depression by JustinS | 2 comments

Question: “How do I know If I am depressed?”

Answer: Depression is a condition that is fueled by several factors. More often than not laypersons think that depression is a result of a chemical imbalance based on discussion and rumor in layperson circles. Actually, it is not technically known what causes depression but we have a few solid leads on that issue.

Depression can be fueled or caused by physical changes in the body or brain, by thoughts and experiences, and also by environments or settings. For example, individuals that suffer an injury, such as a traumatic brain injury, can have drastick changes in mood and emotional regulation. Likewise, thoughts that are gloomy, negative, and disparaging all the way up to suicidal can fuel the body and mind into a slump of gloom and depression. Lastly, depression can be onset by trauma and conditions that are abusive to ones body or spirit, such as living in an abusive home.  Therapy and medication helps to manage depression when it begins to fuel relational and internal problems with individuals. In fact cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT has shown remarkable outcomes in patients not on medication. Patients on medication report with newer SSRIs such as Lexapro fewer symptoms and greater gains in mood stabilization.

The National Institute of Mental Health has information in depth about depression. This will help you gauge and understand what depression is and if you are depressed. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/men-and-depression/depression.shtml

Alternatively, you could take a Beck Depression Inventory and get scored on the levels of depression you are experiencing. Do a google search for BDI or the inventory name and you can find copies of the assessment. I’d also recommend visiting with a therapist, as they are expert at ferreting through and helping you manage irrational and self-defeating thoughts, the primary fuel for depression. Hang in there, keep on your journey!

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Cutting and Self-Harm, Can I stop?

November 11, 2009 in General by JustinS | 1 comment

Question: “I am a cutter. I started self-arming when I was 7, I am now 35. I am going through the LDS recovery program to help me with this but Ia m afraid if I stop cutting what will I be able to replace self harm with. I want to stop but am so dang afraid of the hole not cutting/picking will leave me to fill.”

Answer: “I will give my best in a responce here with candor as I am confident I don’t have all the details on your history. I am sure you have a lot of pain in your past based on the presenting symptoms you mentioned in your post above. You mentioned that you have been cutting since age seven, about 2nd grade. My hunch would be there is abuse or neglect in your history that is fueling your self-harm and the cycle of pain. I’m glad to hear you are going through the LDS recovery program and getting some help. My suggestion would be that you seek professional help of a therapist to help you sort through your history and get some undestanding about the resevoir of pain that is fueling the cutting and self-harm. Your question states that you fear that if you stop cutting you’ll not have another avenue to persue right? To some degree you are correct, when you interupt that pattern of cutting and ‘feeling’ that is so entrenched in your psychie your mind and body will seek elsewhere for some kind of release and way of self-soothing. Contrary to popular belief, many that cut do so to soothe and to feel. The cutting gives a strong sense of feeling and being alive, and paradoxically gives one the sense that they are now ‘in the body’ and feeling. It also gives a sense of control to the cutter and some control over the induction of pain and feeling, a sense that you may not of been able to manage during neglect, trauma, or abuse in your childhood.

My suggestion is three fold. First, you meet with a therapist in town that can help you understand and start parsing through the history and get at the root of the pain. Second, that you begin to learn to self-soothe in new ways. Self-soothing is like a child that sucks their thumb, adults have their own ‘thumbs’. Your finding ways to relax and yet still feel will help provide a new way to meet your needs without the self-harm. Thirdly, start doing some reading. I recommend two books I’ve used with clients that have the same struggle.

A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain

Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation

Please contact a local therapist you can meet in person and begin healing. I am sure it has been a long journey for you. I hope and pray the healing and answers you seek will be yours soon. Also, remember, if/when you feel you are a risk to yourself please seek appropriate medical attention by dialing 911 or visiting a local emergency room.

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