Divorce

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My Husband Is Leaving Me, Help!

February 2, 2010 in Communication, Divorce by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I am too glad I have found your blog. I am currently going through a tough time, my husband filled for divorce a year and a half of marriage and as you imagine I am devastated. I have been trying to reason with him that feelings like being overwhelmed and learning how to adjust and be  married is normal in the first two years of marriage but I literally feel like I am talking to myself. All I hear from him is this is final, you need to accept it. He told me he lost his testimony and that he wants us to be happy but not with each other cause we were not meant to be together. I am really confused and angry at time since this was not the case when we decided to marry in the temple and we made commitments to each other, now that he is breaking. I am feeling guilty about my divorce, I feel that he is taking a easy way out of our marriage and I can not stand the thought of not giving my 100% on working and solving all that can be solved. We had arguments in the past, he is a very sensitive man and so am I but not as much as he is. He has dealt with depression in his childhood, entered MTC and had to get out due to depression and then gave it another try later or after therapy, struggled on the mission field but he came out of it victorious and loved every minute of it. I am scared he is feeling the same about our marriage too this time around, he just wants out and there is nothing I can do or say to make him want/ desire to work on our marriage. I feel overwhelmed with a lot of guilt and despair that I can not see myself getting out of this situation ever feeling like the same person again. We need to learn how to be married and how to manage our arguments/ differences. We had arguments that he never expressed how he felt about them, he would just leave it to that, I would say sorry it came down to a fight, and he would just say okay. Never actually talked about the issue, never told me what was that really bothered him, he just kept it all in till it came to a point where he picked up his stuff and left. I have been getting a lot of outside perspectives on the relationship, and it all comes down to him having a mental disability and that he was brought up by parents that would pay his bills. That does not give me comfort. I want to be married to this man because I love him and I chose to be with knowing how sensitive he is and wanting to be his eternal companion and lift each other up when we fall. But all he tells me it is that it is final. He is sad about the situation but he is just done. Now I am dealing with depression and I come off as very desperate when I try to talk to him, and that is probably making him step back even more. I just need some advice on how I can make him want to save our marriage even after constantly telling me we’re done. Is it possible to save my marriage??

Answer: It appears from your post that you are clearly worried about the nature of the marriage and the prospects for the future of it surviving. From your post I gathered a few key items. It appears the marriage has conflict and misunderstandings. This is normal! Most marriages especially in the first few months and into the first year to have more than normal misgivings and at times contentious bouts due to insecurity and the segue into the couple married relationship from singlehood. My concern for you at this point is not the development of the marriage but the nature of where you are at now in the marriage. Your husbands saying it is final is a firm stand. What does he mean by final? Has he moved out with his parents or on his own? When you mention he has a mental disability what disability are you referring too? I don’t have much history from your post but surmise that there is more than you could put on the post. His jumping up and saying he is out of the marriage has got to be fueled by things he is feeling at present or in past.

My guidance for you is to not beg him back, doing so will likely drive him farther away as he’ll likely see you as desperate and needy. You are a woman and deserve to be respected and you disrespect yourself in begging him home or the like. Instead, attempt to speak to him about why he wants to leave. When you do speak, don’t debate or justify; simply listen to him and hear him out. This will help you understand what is happening. It is clear that you and him need to get into some couples counseling to get a handle on if you are doing to divorce or not. I’d visit with him about going to counseling not to save the marriage but to sort out if it will last, if it will stand and if you both want in it. Yes, you’ve both made covenants but if he is already halfway out the door he is not worried about those so approaching him on a spiritual bases about what he has promised will likely hold little merit for him. Again, I’d instead lead him with you into couples counseling to figure out what you both want.

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Co-Parenting With an Ex That is Controlling

January 23, 2010 in Divorce by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I have been divorced for almost two years. I chose to leave a very controlling husband. The only way I could see to get out of the marriage was to give him partial custody of the children. We each have them half the time. The issue I’m having is that my ex-husband completely refuses any kind of communication with me. He even says I have no right to know where the children are when it’s not my week with them. I feel that we can make our divorce as easy on the children as possible or as difficult, and he is choosing the latter. He is hurt, angry, and feels like a victim and wants me to hurt as well. My fear is that it is harming our children. They are so afraid of him, they won’t stand up to him and tell him what they want. They are very uncomfortable even talking to me when he’s around. Several of them have expressed a desire to come live with me all the time, but the older ones feel like they need to be there (at dad’s) to take care of the younger ones. I cannot get over the feelings of guilt that I ruined my children’s lives by leaving him. I am happily remarried and they all love their stepfather. I think it’s good for them to finally see a healthy marriage. I just wish I could get their dad to see that us communicating and co-parenting would make it easier on the children. But he keeps telling them it is my fault that everyone is so miserable. Help!! Do you have any suggestions?”

Answer: This sounds like such a trying time. From your post it appears that the marriage was clearly conflict ridden and that there is much hurt on both sides, yours and your former husband’s. Sounds like he is also really hurt and that he is trying keep still be pretty closed with you. The difficulty with co-parenting is that is the children are both of yours, they need both you and their father. It gets complicated when either parent is recalcitrant or belligerent to either spouse. The kids equally sound confused and fearful that they need to band together, especially the older children in light of their younger siblings. It is really sad that they are not able to feel safe with their own father, as living with him in likely difficult for them.

You’ve really got a couple options. Ideally you’d be able to visit with their father and discuss the significant of co-parenting and its impact on them and their future relationships. I suggest doing some reading and getting a better understanding of the co-parenting benefits on the children’s overall development and then discuss your concerns with him. This is optimal and in light of his hurt and anger may not work, but is the best if it can happen. Second, I’d work diligently with the kids to talk about the pain of the divorce on the family. I’d suggest your creating space and engaging them in a conversation around their need to not feel loyalty to one parent or another. That they can infact talk to you as their mother in the presence of their father, without their father being upset. Talk to them about their fears and validate them. Also, start coaching them in small ways in other areas of their life to assert themselves to go against the norms and stand up for themselves. This coaching will vary depending on the ego strength and temperament of the child and their age. Thirdly, I’d suggest your helping them in their spiritual development. Helping them to be centered and strong spiritually will be key in helping them withstand the huge stresses that come as residue when the dust settles following divorce.

There are not easy answers on your case. Again, ideally you’d get your former husband to engage but if not then you really need to get the kids emotionally resilient and strong in many ways to buffer the chaos that your ex has with you and ends up falling on them.

Suggested Resources:

Families apart: 10 keys to successful co-parenting

The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex, A Hands on, practical guide to coping with custody issues that arise with an uncooperative ex-spouse

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Should I Leave My Husband?

December 16, 2009 in Divorce, Marriage by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I can’t make the final decision to leave and divorce my husband. It is gradually affecting my whole self and making me very unhappy. I feel I need to leave. I make the decision to do it and then fall back into indecision and just continue with him. I am very unhappy most of the time. I only get relief when in church or in the temple. We are both temple workers. He is passive aggressive. He is a faithful home teacher. He spends all his spare time in the evenings watching television downstairs and I spend my time vegging out on the computer upstairs. We don’t express much love and affection toward each other although we exchange a hug or two during the daytime hours. I moved out of our bedroom into the spare room in October. It’s been over a year since we had sex. In fact, it was a year ago in October. He calls himself a “loner” and doesn’t seem to need family. We both were married twice before we married each other six years ago. Our spouses both passed away years before we married one another. I have two lovely daughters and nine grandchildren. He also has two children and they are grown and have grandchildren, as does my oldest daughter. My husband is 16 years older than me. Why can’t I make a decision and stick with it to divorce him? I’ve left him twice. The first time was for a period of a month. The second time was for a period of two weeks. I feel I need to leave and get a divorce. Why can’t I just DO it and get it over with? I’m 68 and he is 84 yrs. old. He is active although he does have the slow moving disease of prostate cancer. The doctor said he won’t die of prostate cancer but it will gradually lead to some other type of physical problem, maybe bone cancer…..which he thinks he already has. But he doesn’t complain hardly at all about it. I don’t want to inherit his home and properties. They belong to his and his second wife’s children (she had 7 kids and she divorced her first husband and left him and their half grown family to marry my husband. That was back in the 1970′s.) I have a home which my youngest grown daughter lives in with her husband and children. I think I should leave my husband and move into my home when my daughter moves out of it, soon, into their new home. How can I make the final decision to do it? My husband doesn’t seem to really care what I do or if I leave or not. It’s all the same to him. His words say otherwise but his life and actions say he wants to be alone. I can’t go on much longer like this. I need to make a decision to leave or stay and make the best of things and determine to be happy in spite of it all. I’m very confused. I don’t like this back and forth decision making and always second guessing myself. Can you please help me? Thank you. I will be waiting for your reply.”

Answer: I appreciate your inquiry. It sounds like you are living in an emotionally distant marriage and that you would like to leave the marriage. From the details you provided, it appears that you are really not seeking to leave your husband but to have some emotional closeness and companionship. Your discussion above about feeling unhappy and the separate worlds each of you live in is a clear indication that the friendship, the bedrock of a marriage, is dwindling. You also mentioned that you have not had sex in over a year, another indication that closeness and intimacy are lacking as well.

A few things for you to consider. You mentioned, “I feel I need to leave and get a divorce.” My reply to that would be in the form of a question, a question of why did you marry him in the first place? What was it that you sought or were drawn to with your husband? Leaving him won’t in fact foster the closeness and peace you are seeking. It will help you rid yourself of feeling like you are married to a man that does not cherish and long to spend time and engage emotionally and sexually with you. Have either of you seen a therapist? Is he aware of the issues and is he willing to work on them? You are finding it hard to leave permanently and divorce him, what is holding you back from doing so? What are you willing to do to make it work? I realize these are some significant questions. I have attempted not to allow his age and yours to play a role here or his cancer. These are important facts but ones that I don’t feel will help you make the decision as leaving or divorcing a spouse based on those factors does not seem feasible or rational. I do hear your pain as you talk about his being emotionally distant and checked out from you.

Have you discussed with him your desires for intimacy and closeness? I realize that it is difficult to open up emotionally when you don’t feel safe or close to him. Asserting yourself by discussing your needs and pain is key prior to making any decisions and working through regarding your marriage and its future.

I recommend your reading a book about bonding, friendship, and intimacy called Hold Me Tight. It will help guide and sort our what it is you need and want with your husband.

Recommended Reading: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

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How Do I Move On After Divorce?

December 10, 2009 in Divorce by JustinS | 2 comments

Question: “How do I move on…… My ex-wife was unfaithful 3 times during our 12 year marriage. First time was just kissing she claimed; second was a one-night-stand and she was disfellowshiped but later was reinstated and we had our 2nd child after that; third time she had a full-blown affair, left home with the children when she fell pregnant to him (she later told me) and then had a abortion due to complications with that pregnancy. She then returned home, confessed all and was excommunicated. Due to that excommunication, she claimed, left home again with the kids secretly when I was working. I did question her probably too much after she was disfellowshiped asking how she could claimed to love me when she went with someone else and after the last time she came back home I questioned her more and openly doubted her story of ‘sorry, I made a mistake with him’ etc. After she left last time, I filled for divorce and obtained it with her absent. That was five years ago. There was never any violence or similar major incidents during our marriage(apart from these infidelities of course) but we did argue almost every week for this or that. I’ve always held a temple recommend, as she did too except during the disciplinary time, and I had many leadership callings in church, as she did too as relief society president(which she was when she was having that affair) and YW leadership, in both ward and stake. Today she is totally inactive with our kids, but I’m still active with temple recommend, calling etc My problem is that I can’t seem to move on. The times I’ve even talked to other single women I ended up feeling guilty and then turn away from them. I’ve turned down several opportunities to date new women. More often than not I find myself praying that she could return or we could get together again, but then later I know its not realistic. I also worry that because the church will not call even a bishop who was once divorced nor is there any GA who was once divorced, I fear that divorcing was a sin which I’ve committed since I filed for it and went through to the end although church leaders say that sometimes divorce is necessary. I’ve read all the related talks available at lds.org, especially Elder Oaks recent one but even then I go through different emotions because when he starts his talk I’ll say Yes, that was me, I needed to divorce but then when he talks to couples who have descended into a marriage in name only and tries to counsel people to not divorce (that it do! isn’t solve any problems etc) then I feel guilty again and inevitably will end up praying again for her to return or for another chance of marriage to her again. I’ve also thought about suicide many times but I end up not doing anything just so the kids will keep receiving their child support payments, and I can still see them too. But usually, I’d say people see me as generally bitter and conflictual possibly stubborn too maybe. Well I’ve written too much now, so the basic question is how do I move on to be able to one day maybe remarry. I know I have to stop hoping for my ex-wife since if not I’ll just be stalking her, if in thought only.”

Answer: Sounds like you have had a really difficult journey. The affairs your former spouse had, the mother of your children, must have really hurt. Dealing with the pain from divorce can be heart wrenching, but more difficult the pain from the infidelity and betrayal by her due to her consistent relationships outside your marriage. The pain for the children must be immense too.

I have a few questions to think about that were not explained in the post. Do you have custody and a relationship with your children? If not, why does she have them solely? From your post, it appears that the marriage was conflict ridden and that there were some problems before or during the affairs she was having. My recommendation here is to process what happened prior to the divorce. The relationship was rocky, or so it appears, and you were hurt, really hurt. I feel your pain when you speak about the 3rd affair and it’s leading you to divorce her.

The bottom line at this point is you are divorced. The marriage is over, the trust is broken due to the betrayal and pain. Your praying that you both can get back together is natural considering this loss for you. Her coming back is unlikely, and if she did she would likely replicate the same patterns in marriage with you again. My suggestion would be that you pray to understand the resistance you have now to dating. Sounds like it has been a few years and you are still hopeful that it will work out and it likely is not. You really need to do some loss and grief work with a therapist. The bonding and attachment are both still alive and are prohibiting you from seeing clearly and dating other women. The internal silent fixed beliefs that you are sinning or that you are hopeless. Clearly is suicide was on your mind as an option or solution you are in pain and need to work through the thought processes that lead you to feelings of despair that culminate in suicide. You also mentioned that you may appear bitter and conflictual with others or at least stubborn. Why would they say this? What are you doing to work on you, to make yourself for of a partner that others would want to be married too? Again, working on you can help you prevent this from happening again in a relationship. It is clear you want to date but the guilt you feel is flowing from faulty beliefs you have about the nature of the divorce. It is as if on some level you are not divorced yet emotionally. The way to do that is to work through the feelings of loss and grief and start healing so that you can prepare your heart and mind for the next relationship. I wrote an article on this topic here.

Glad to hear you have done your own research on divorce and that process from the LDS paradigm. Divorce is not a sin but the Lord does not sanction individuals that quit or close a marriage down due to ‘personality conflicts’ or the like. Gaining guidance and confirmation from the Lord on such matters is requisite prior to making a decision to divorce. I typically do not counsel couples to divorce but to work on their marriage and to seek the Lord. In cases of abuse and the like I counseling people to ensure they are physically and emotionally safe.

My final suggestion for you in addition to the questions you posed is to start working with a counselor and sort through your feelings of loss and grief. Reaching closure and finding meaning is key to your moving forward and will help resolve some of your heartache. Best of luck in your journey.

Additional Resources: Official LDS Church Articles on Divorce as well as YouTube video below

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Relationship with Therapist

November 28, 2009 in Boundary Setting, General by JustinS | No comments

Question: “I have been in counseling for almost two years. My parents are divorced and my dad was out of the picture most of the time. I am divorced and remarried. I have had hardly no men role models in my life and have had a problem being shy or snotty around priesthood holders at church. My feelings for my counselor have been changing lately and I think about him a lot. Almost to much and i am wondering if I’m just obsessing about him because he is a positive male role model in my life or if its nothing. And should i continue to see him?”

Answer: Great to hear that you are working through some of the family of origin issues. Sounds like with your parents divorce and your subsequent divorce then remarriage that some counseling would help you ferret through your past and get a sense of what happened and how it impacted you. Most importantly though, how you can move forward with your life and remain happily married now. You mentioned that you become shy or snotty when around ecclesiastical leaders at church. I don’t have all the history but wonder if these men in authority or power are subconsciously seen by you as ones that may abandon or checkout on you? What does your husband think about the behaviors at church, has he seen them? How do you act around him, can you trust him? Do you find yourself snotty or shy around him? Answers to these questions will help you better delineate what and why you are acting in that manner around them at church. Now, with respect to the therapist you are seeing, I have few questions. How often are you in session? Weekly? Do you feel the relationship during session is healthy, meaning that you feel like the client and he is the therapist? You may be seeing him as more of a friend and be developing a new perception of your relationship to him, I am not fully sure.  Could you potentially be meeting your emotional needs that you did not have met by your father, now with this therapist? Might you be meeting these needs with the therapist as they are not met by your current husband? I realize I have posed lots of questions here, but I want you to think through them and the answers to them will help you figure out why you are thinking about him so much. You mentioned that “feelings for my counselor have been changing lately and I think about  him a lot.” What feelings changed? What were they before? When you do think about him what is it that you think about? Is it romantic, dreamy, or otherwise? If you are thinking or finding it difficult to not think in those terms I just listed it may be time to get another therapist. In order for him to help you, it is imperative that it be a client-therapist relationship. If you have in fact been seeing him for sessions for two years you may have developed consciously or not a relationship that is beginning to go beyond treatment and actually into a relationship itself. I’d recommend thinking through what I have written here and then if you will, bring the feelings you are having up with your therapist next time you meet. You and him can dialogue it and sift through what you are feeling then follow the course he directs you in. At times, clients can start seeing their therapists as best friends and the boundaries get diffuse and the therapeutic relationship becomes blurry. Let me know how it goes; post a comment to this thread after you talk with him.

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