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Tags: Marriage
Question: “After 43 years of marriage all of a sudden my husband is saying “thank you for going out to dinner with me tonight.” I don’t know why this upsets me. Of COURSE we go out to dinner together. He makes it sound like he is in charge and is thanking me. I don’t know why it upsets me so much.”
Answer: It sounds like a few things are going on in the marriage and within your own cognitive process. From the information you provided, it appears that you have a sense that he is speaking down to you or that he is thanking you in a patronizing way. I don’t have a solid sense of the history other than you have been married for 43 years and are irritated that he is thanking you for the evening out. I’d encourage you to think about the following questions to better understand why you are finding it upsetting.
Tone, marital history, and the vibe at the time the comment was made is key to understanding his motive. Simply asking him might be helpful in understanding his thought process. The key though, is your looking within as to why his saying this sparked the irritation. The questions above can assist you in reviewing your sense of the relationship and how that may play a role in why he is talking the way he is following your dinner.
Tags: Communication, Marriage
Question: “Am I being unreasonable? My husband and I have been married for seven years. It is a second marriage for both of us after being previously widowed. I brought 2 children into the marriage; a son now 20 and a daughter 18. My husband brought 3 children; his eldest daughter now 24, middle daughter 22 (and now married) and a son 20. As I think most people can appreciate “blended” families – even when proceeding with the best intentions – are incredibly challenging. We have overcome all sorts of problems over the years but as our children are getting older there seems to be a lot less conflict between us. My question is in regard to what happened this Christmas Eve. We had been invited to my husband’s brother’s home for what we understood was an “open house” type event. We said we might drop by later in the evening. That afternoon we had a phone message from them and it seemed that there were some crossed wires and they had expected us for dinner. My husband returned the call and said sorry about the misunderstanding but we were having dinner at home. So we had all but one of our children here for dinner (including our son-in-law). Which because of one of our daughter’s different religious affiliation hasn’t happened since our very first Christmas together. We had spent days getting ready for this. On the day itself we were running late in part because we were waiting for one of our sons to return from college before going to get a Christmas tree. We gave thanks at the dinner table and I said I was thankful that I could bake and cook for the people that I love and care about. Just as we finished dinner we were joined by our final child. I was so happy that we were all together. We moved from the dinner table and were sitting around the tree, talking, laughing and happy to be together. The kind of rare moment when I look at all of us and think: it’s been really difficult at times but were all in this together and it’s good. My husband said he felt he needed to at least make at appearance at his brother’s open house. We all objected. We wanted to play cards or charades. I reminded him that one of our daughters had to work Christmas Day so for her this was it. He said because of the misunderstanding he felt he had to go. I again objected and told him I thought this was crazy. He reassured me he’d be right back and he left taking two of the kids with him. I was so upset I had to leave the room to compose myself. This left my two biological children and my stepdaughter and son-in-law. When I came back to the living room my stepdaughter and her husband had drifted off looking for swimsuits to sit in our hottub. That left me and my two children. Obviously I was very upset but tried to hid that. We talked for a while before saying goodnight. I got into bed and when my husband came home I’m ashamed to say I pretended to be asleep. I just felt so angry, furious really, that I didn’t feel I could face him. I had been fighting some kind of flu bug for the last few days and on Christmas morning could hardly drag myself out of bed. We both got up early to see our daughter before she had to go off to work. But I returned to bed for several hours. I tried to get up to join everyone to open presents but wasn’t able. I spent the next three days in bed. When I was able to I said to my husband “Do you know that I see what you did on Christmas Eve as really destructive?” His only response was “Is that so?” I told him “Yes. That’s so. And I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings about it”. He said nothing more and I was still feeling so unwell that I just let that sit. He went to work the following day and I sent him an email telling him I felt about what had happened. I told him the whole situation reminded of the definition of a cynic: someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. I ended the email telling him that I loved him but was so furious that I didn’t know what to do with all this emotion. He ignored the email for a further two days. I then (by this time I was feeling weak but better) I brought it up again. He told me that maybe I should just live alone. If I didn’t have expectations of him I wouldn’t be so disappointed all the time. He told me that I was being narcissistic. I was thinking only about myself. He was very calm, trying to be logical and I was getting emotional. I told him he seemed smug and superior that he was able to remain unemotional but I was his wife. I am distressed. This has hurt me. I left the room then because I will not engage with him when I am overwhelmed or crying. I was driving him to work the next day and I said “you know – we aren’t going to get a divorce over this. So I’m still upset about what happened on Christmas Eve but now I’m also upset that you ignored me repeatedly and you’re actually going to have to deal with this. I’m not some unreasonable witch you know”. Yes you are he told me. I asked him to repeat what he said and he told me that I was being an unreasonable witch about this. Obviously this whole conversation didn’t go well. I ended up in tears. He took the opportunity to yell at me (which he later apologized for) telling me that I dig-dig-dig, that I berate him and more. A few days pass and he finally tells me he’s sorry the fallout from this but he can’t apologize for leaving on Christmas Eve because he didn’t have any bad intentions. So again my question would be: am I being unreasonable here? Was “destructive” too strong a word to use (which he says is what set him off)? I feel he did ruin our “family” Christmas Eve. I’d appreciate any insight into this you can offer.”
Answer: Thanks for all the lengthy details. I’ll be brief here but direct. The bottom line is that you have your hopes for Christmas and your husband had his. He chose to leave to save face with his brother, again his choice. You chose to stay with the kids and enjoy the moments at that point in the evening. You are connected, as a married couple but are also autonomous. He is not an appendage to you nor you to him. Now, all that being said, he worried more about what his brother thought than what his own wife thought/felt or his own kids. There is not anything horrible or destructive about his leaving, he did in fact bring two of the kids with him. I do feel that was a poor choice to leave considering the circumstances.
I feel you are in error in getting upset and refusing to communicate with him and not coming in to engage with the family for the days following. Again, if your husband is going to make poor choices, that does not mean you need to engage in withdrawal following Christmas eve etc otherwise you are in as much error as he is considering his choices that night. I realize you are hurt and upset at his choices and the fact is you would do better actually distancing yourself enough emotionally to not remain so attached to his foolish decision.
Now, he needs a good course in listening when you spoke to him about your anger and hurt from what he did. I’d suggest you look into your allowing him to make poor choices and not allowing it to infuriate you so much that you shut down and don’t enjoy the time yourself. Now, I realize this is not as easy as I just made it but remembering that he is connected to you yet autonomous as well with his own thoughts and hopes.
Tags: Communication, Marriage
Question: “I’m so conflicted on whether to leave my husband or not. We’ve been married for almost 25 years and have 3 grown children (youngest is 18). We have no emotional relationship. What I mean by this is that we live in the same house but it’s more like we are roommates instead of husband and wife. There is no physical contact between us unless it is initiated by me – I have to be the one to give a hug – I have to be the one to hold his arm or grab his hand – he never does it. Any communication we have – which is minimal – is him telling me all about his work or his bowling. He has NEVER asked me about how I’m doing or how my day is. When I am sick he has never asked me how I’m doing or if there is something he can do for me. Up until a year ago I made sure that we had the physical contact and also made sure to ask how he was doing, how his day had gone, ect. When I ask him why he doesn’t hold my hand or ask me how I’m doing he always says that he doesn’t remember to do it and that he has a bad memory. I started leaving little notes “have a wonderful day’ type messages on his car, the bathroom ect. He never responded. So I tried again put reminders on the bathroom mirror things like “ give me a hug, ask me how my work in going, squeeze my shoulder, ask me how I’m doing. I felt for sure this would get some type of response from him but he didn’t even acknowledge that the writing was there. So now, this last July, I wrote him a long letter that I gave him when I went to visit my family (I felt he needed time to read and think about what I was saying). I wrote exactly how I was feeling about his actions / inactions, and what I needed from him. I told him that I could not continue to live like this, that I was emotionally drained and that I would have to leave if things did not change but that I was willing to work on the relationship if he could show me, by his actions, that he was willing to make some changes too. When I came home, there were a few minor changes and he gave me a hug everyday for a about a week, and then the frequency swiftly dropped off. Again, in December, I said that nothing had changed since the summer and asked him to not buy me any gift, that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was for him to re-read that letter and take it seriously. Still nothing has changed. So now comes my dilemma, I’m not getting from him what I desperately need but is it right for me to leave him. He has never physically or mentally abused me. I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me he is a hard worker and generally a good person’ but we have no real relationship. I know that I could continue to live like this but it would be me giving up a part of me settling with existing. I know I can be happy on my own but part of me doesn’t want to be alone. I feel like I am staying with him just so I don’t have to be alone. I also know that leaving him would hurt him and be financially difficult for him. I do care about what happens to him because we have been married for so long but I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what is right to do.”
Answer: Sounds like you are living in a marriage but most of the time still feel single. It is sad to hear about all your attempts to reach your husband with notes and other cues to help him wake up and catch a clue as to what your needs are. I find from your post above that you really have attempted to reach him with the notes, with the letter, and your verbal requests. You mentioned that the relationship is not caustic or contentious. I might add that damaging relationships need not be contentious only but they can be quite the opposite and still be unhealthy, silent treatment, avoidance, and stonewalling are all maneuvers that spouses engage in that take little energy but are really unhealthy. From what you stated it sounds like avoidance is his primary function, to work, provide and otherwise cohabitate. I say cohabitation since there is no physical and emotional intimacy between you both.
I’d recommend a few things. I’d first read John Gottman’s book on healthy marriages to get a good baseline on what healthy marriages look like. I’d then not get hung up on the details with your husband, you’ve got 25 years behind you and I don’t think you should end it just yet. I’d rethink the nature of your friendship and slowly start building it. If he is checked out and avoiding and comfortable with it you likely will not get him to respond to all your cues or any of them right at first. I’d suggest instead work on building the friendship and moving to a position of baseline friendship, the foundation of healthy marriages. Now, I realize you don’t feel close to him or that you don’t currently don’t feel like you love him. That is fine, but you need to start with slow friendship in a manner to parse out the marriage and what can happen.
He sounds pretty self-focused as well. I’d instead try and not get him to ask about you, instead have him talk about himself something he’s willing to do by asking about him. This is natural, any man or women wants their spouse to speak to them and inquire as it shows love and genuine interest. He is shut down enough you will likely not get him to engage with you even per your asking. If you can’t beat him, join him. I’d line up some solid conversations with him about bowling. Listen to him, hear him out, ask, and otherwise build the friendship on that note. Hey, if you go all the way, get a date lined up to go bowling with him! Again, the thought here is not to build his ego or manipulate him at all but to instead generate conversation with him and build friendship. Also, it may not be comfortable at first but this is just opening the door a crack.
I cannot answer all of this complex phenomenon that distant avoidant spouses engage in during this short post but don’t give up hope, you have a lot of options you really need to be open to thinking ‘out of the box’ and be open to doing some of your own work so as to be able to work with him.
Working with a husband that is emotionally shut down is difficult, even for therapists let alone a wife that is trying and lonely and hurt. I’d recommend starting to work with a counselor, just you at first to get some of your bases covered and start to get your own hurt and pain worked through. I’d then suggest a good dose of couples counseling.
Please see the video below for more specifics on divorce and marriage.
Tags: commitment, couples, Marriage
Question: “Hello. I am married and have been for the last year. When I first met my husband, I noticed that he had something wrong with him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. After 2 or 3 dates, I resigned to the fact that he is probably mildly mentally retarded and was probably in the special ed classes in school. Since I have no problem with that and genuinely liked him, I continued to date him. We fell in love and married. Now his mental issues are destroying our marriage because I do not think he can fully grasp the scope of some of our issues. I have asked him about his mental capacity in the past, but he never will admit to it. On one occasion when he thought I was leaving him, he admitted that he is one can short of a six pack and that is why he argues all the time. That is the closest he has ever come to admitting anything about his mental condition. If he truly does have a weakness in this area, we need to discuss it. How do I find out about him without hurting his feelings? His family never says anything about it and each time I ask him, he denies it. When I asked him what did he mean when he said he was a can short of a six pack, he said he just said it because he didn’t want me to leave him and he was saying anything that came to his mind. I love my husband and I don’t want to hurt or embarrass him by pushing the issue. But I know without a doubt that he has mental issues. Anyone that meets him can see it in his face. You know, he has that look. If I knew exactly what, maybe I could be more patient with him and save our marriage. Sometimes he has the mentality of a child. Other times he is selfish and dismissive. Also, I think he was a virgin when we met, but of course I will die before he ever admits to that one…. We are very spiritual and go to church often. He blames his shortcomings on the work of the devil just trying to break us up. But I know it is deeper than that. Trying to get help for someone when he and his family pretend nothing is wrong, could hurt my husband beyond repair… Please help!!!”
Answer: I appreciate your question. Marriage can be difficult at times and working with a spouse that likely has some cognitive challenges can make it more difficult. I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you to have a relationship with some one that you say is irritable most of the time and tends to argue. It appears that he does have difficulty within your relationship based upon what you shared in your post above. From what you stated he has shared he likely has some difficulty processing information and reading social cues as he has stated in a moment of fear that he is one can short of a six pack as you stated. He is likely aware and highly insecure and thus defensive about his emotional and mental processes that complicate the marriage. You mention that if you knew exactly what he ‘had’ you could “be more patient with him and save our marriage”. I don’t know that your labeling it will do more for you in terms of being able to see it, as even without a title or label you can see the symptoms and know how it feels to interact with him. I do feel what you are saying though, that a label might help you measure, quantify, or otherwise understand what he has or struggles with and then be able to express more understanding.
It is possible that he may have a cognitive processing issue? Meaning he may have a average fine IQ but process information much more slowly thus a split, and this would look like his misreading cues, being irritable and otherwise being challenged. Did he have difficulties at birth? Premature? Delayed development? These would be indications that may have influenced his cognitive abilities. These can be worked through and managed, but you and him need to acknowledge them and deal with them as they influence the marriage.
My guidance for you here would be that you both seek out marriage/couple counseling. Processing through the patterns and the nature of the marriage and relationship would not only identify the issues that are plaguing your marriage but the capacity and mental challenges that he has will also surface. This would give you and him both room to explore and understand the nature of his difficulties and the strain on the marriage. I do not feel your confronting him on it will help him come out and talk about it. He is likely so insecure and worried that you’ll leave him (per your story above) that he’ll not want to be inadequate or state that he is less than. Going to therapy and tackling the issues head on will provide a safe medium for you booth to visit and for the therapist to wade through the issues and I am confident that they’ll emerge as you speak about what you have posted here on this blog in terms of his statements that he may be different and challenged in managing emotion and relationships.
Tags: Marriage, mental challenge
Question: “My husband and I have been married for nearly eighteen years. It has been turbulent much of the time. We both had teenagers from previous marriages when we blended our families. We both had careers. From the beginning we had very different styles especially in regards to finances. Since my previous husband had been a compulsive gamble who wiped us out financially I came in to this marriage very protective of my income. It would send my new husband into literal rages that I would want to have a separate bank account. Needless to say his reaction did nothing to foster trust. Then there were the children. I was to have all the responsibility of a step mother but none of the authority and there were LOTS of fights about that. Finally, because he refused to use any form of birth control I got pregnant at 42 and had baby girl. For a while it looked like she might be the solution to our problems and we are both intensely devoted to her (she’s nearly 11 now). I have not been very happy in my marriage but I have dedicated myself to staying in it for our daughter’s sake. Especially since I gave up my career when she was born and would find it very hard to support myself at this age and in this economy. About eighteen months ago I started to suffer from depression and went to counseling. My husband even came with me for several sessions and I thought we had gained some valuable tools and information on how to have a better marriage. I even thought he had some little appreciation for what depression is and how he could help me. Well, I am not attracted physically to him anymore since he has put on over a hundred pounds since we got married and I don’t like sex with him. (We agreed to once a week on payday) So he says he feels “like dog” about sex. For me it’s like a household chore I have to do once a week. Not a good thing, I know. I have lost count of how many times he has walked out or threatened to walk out over the years. I admit freely I have pushed him beyond his limit sometimes. During counseling we both make promises, however, to each other and to our therapist (we quit going last summer) that I would approach conversations in a non threatening way and he would not threaten to leave. Today I brought up some money issues in the safest way I knew since I was feeling betrayed about some money he had loaned or given his family members without letting me know up front. He got furious and threatened to leave. Just like all the times in the past I ended up groveling and begging him not to go and the whole conversation turned into how I was the bad guy. We are both nearing the end of our rope. I think we would like to make our temple marriage work and although there are no serious moral transgressions and we don’t want to hurt our daughter, if I can’t talk to him and feel depressed all the time what am I suppose to do? Do I go back to counseling on my own?”
Answer: Sounds like it has been a long journey, one fraught with much strife and tension. Blending families is challenging as you attempt to not only love and serve your spouse but also fill the needs that your teens have and all that entails. I can tell it has been difficult and that you want things to work, otherwise you would not be begging him to stay when he threatens to leave. I am encouraged that you went to counseling and gained some tools and skills to better work out the concerns in the marriage. I hear you saying there are a few issues that still are present. These issues appear three fold: the authority and role you have in the home, the trust you have in one another that appears to be about money but at the core is really trust, and your current depression and lack of happiness with the relationship. My recommendation would be that you get back into counseling. I hear you saying that the sexual relationship is rocky as well. I’d expect this, since the trust is limited and the contention high when issues come up; therefore the intimacy and or sexual piece is lacking and frustrated.
From your post it appears you have trust issues from your previous marriage and you are hyper-sensitive to him and his decisions. He also has trust issues of you for wanting a separate account. The issues that came into your marriage from your past histories limit the ability to resolve conflict due to hurts and fear from the past. I honestly feel that both of need to engage in counseling so you can tackle the trust issues, parenting issues, lack of closeness and the processing of fears and pain from each of your previous marriages. The issues themselves are not the issue, the items listed in the series in the previous sentences are. Going and listening to a counselor will not be enough for each of you. A solid commitment to changing yourself and working daily along with a counselor is the key to making it happen.
I’d recommend you both read, Hold Me Tight, a book that hits at the core of the issues you are having. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Also, feel free to read my other posts on marriage.
Question: “Hi. My husband and I have had struggles with intimacy. He wants more frequently and different options, and I have been struggling with getting used to it and feeling like the situation more. We’ve been married for two years, and still have complications in this area. What can I do to help myself feel more comfortable with my husband?”
Answer: I know dealing with intimacy in a marriage can be difficult. I have worked with many couples that are troubled with their ability to connect intimately. Intimacy does not necessarily mean sex but it does mean bonding, closeness, passion, and connection. A few questions for you to consider. Have you discussed your sexual struggles with your husband? Often tension and fear permeates these situations and couples struggle in silence fearing to discuss the issues openly as they are often afraid they might injure or hurt their spouse. Talking openly and freely about your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions is key to building a strong relationship. If you want to work through the issues talking about them is key. I’d suggest talking to your husband about the nature of his wants/needs with regard to frequency and ‘options’ as you called them. Have you discussed it? How did it go? I am not entirely sure here what you are referencing but my suggestion is that you do some reading and get educated on intimacy and sexuality in the context of a healthy sexual LDS marriage relationship. After reading the article I authored below and the texts you will have a basis and grasp of how to work with your husband. For more immediate help, you can schedule a time to have a phone consultation with me as well.
I suggest you read my online article on this subject, LDS Couples and Sexual Intimacy as well as a previous post for newlyweds on this issue.
I also suggest you read these two books as well. Go buy a copy and start reading, you’ll be glad to did.
1) And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment
2) Purity and Passion, Wendy Watson Nelson, Ph.D.
Tags: Marriage, sexual intimacy, Sexuality
Question: “I can’t make the final decision to leave and divorce my husband. It is gradually affecting my whole self and making me very unhappy. I feel I need to leave. I make the decision to do it and then fall back into indecision and just continue with him. I am very unhappy most of the time. I only get relief when in church or in the temple. We are both temple workers. He is passive aggressive. He is a faithful home teacher. He spends all his spare time in the evenings watching television downstairs and I spend my time vegging out on the computer upstairs. We don’t express much love and affection toward each other although we exchange a hug or two during the daytime hours. I moved out of our bedroom into the spare room in October. It’s been over a year since we had sex. In fact, it was a year ago in October. He calls himself a “loner” and doesn’t seem to need family. We both were married twice before we married each other six years ago. Our spouses both passed away years before we married one another. I have two lovely daughters and nine grandchildren. He also has two children and they are grown and have grandchildren, as does my oldest daughter. My husband is 16 years older than me. Why can’t I make a decision and stick with it to divorce him? I’ve left him twice. The first time was for a period of a month. The second time was for a period of two weeks. I feel I need to leave and get a divorce. Why can’t I just DO it and get it over with? I’m 68 and he is 84 yrs. old. He is active although he does have the slow moving disease of prostate cancer. The doctor said he won’t die of prostate cancer but it will gradually lead to some other type of physical problem, maybe bone cancer…..which he thinks he already has. But he doesn’t complain hardly at all about it. I don’t want to inherit his home and properties. They belong to his and his second wife’s children (she had 7 kids and she divorced her first husband and left him and their half grown family to marry my husband. That was back in the 1970′s.) I have a home which my youngest grown daughter lives in with her husband and children. I think I should leave my husband and move into my home when my daughter moves out of it, soon, into their new home. How can I make the final decision to do it? My husband doesn’t seem to really care what I do or if I leave or not. It’s all the same to him. His words say otherwise but his life and actions say he wants to be alone. I can’t go on much longer like this. I need to make a decision to leave or stay and make the best of things and determine to be happy in spite of it all. I’m very confused. I don’t like this back and forth decision making and always second guessing myself. Can you please help me? Thank you. I will be waiting for your reply.”
Answer: I appreciate your inquiry. It sounds like you are living in an emotionally distant marriage and that you would like to leave the marriage. From the details you provided, it appears that you are really not seeking to leave your husband but to have some emotional closeness and companionship. Your discussion above about feeling unhappy and the separate worlds each of you live in is a clear indication that the friendship, the bedrock of a marriage, is dwindling. You also mentioned that you have not had sex in over a year, another indication that closeness and intimacy are lacking as well.
A few things for you to consider. You mentioned, “I feel I need to leave and get a divorce.” My reply to that would be in the form of a question, a question of why did you marry him in the first place? What was it that you sought or were drawn to with your husband? Leaving him won’t in fact foster the closeness and peace you are seeking. It will help you rid yourself of feeling like you are married to a man that does not cherish and long to spend time and engage emotionally and sexually with you. Have either of you seen a therapist? Is he aware of the issues and is he willing to work on them? You are finding it hard to leave permanently and divorce him, what is holding you back from doing so? What are you willing to do to make it work? I realize these are some significant questions. I have attempted not to allow his age and yours to play a role here or his cancer. These are important facts but ones that I don’t feel will help you make the decision as leaving or divorcing a spouse based on those factors does not seem feasible or rational. I do hear your pain as you talk about his being emotionally distant and checked out from you.
Have you discussed with him your desires for intimacy and closeness? I realize that it is difficult to open up emotionally when you don’t feel safe or close to him. Asserting yourself by discussing your needs and pain is key prior to making any decisions and working through regarding your marriage and its future.
I recommend your reading a book about bonding, friendship, and intimacy called Hold Me Tight. It will help guide and sort our what it is you need and want with your husband.
Recommended Reading: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Question: “I’m considering marrying someone I haven’t known for very long. I would prefer to wait longer, to enjoy the dating and engagement time and get to know each other better, and to make it “look better” to others. However, I’m in a precarious situation with my children (14, 7, 5, and 2) and have been unable to find work. I’ve worked as a nanny or child care provider for the last 2 years and when I was married, I stayed home. I’ve been staying with family but they’ve asked me to leave by the end of the year. Getting married means I could be home with our kids, he wouldn’t have to pay for daycare, and I wouldn’t have to put my kids into daycare where they’ve never been. Also, I’m having trouble f! inding any work at all in this economy, especially when I haven’t worked for so many years and don’t have a degree. Even if I do find work, I’m faced with pulling my kids out of their current school and sports because I won’t be able to transport them and putting them in daycare which I can’t afford. I’m a temple-recommend holding active LDS Mom trying to do the right thing for my family. He wants to do the same for his. We each have four children full-time with exes who are irresonsible and that have gone against the church. We both feel it would be so nice to have each other for support and for our kids to experience parents who are both completely committed to living the gospel. I’m torn between trying to do the “right thing” and wait until we’ve known each other longer, and trying to do the “right thing” by keeping my kids safely in a home and all that involves. Which is the more responsible, or “right” thing to do? Of course I’m praying about it also, but being in the midst of job hunting, home hunting, daycare hunting, and stress, I’m worried that I’m not adequately receptive. Either way, I’m forced to make immediate, life-altering decisions which is really tough for me. I’m a planner, preparer by nature. What are your thoughts? Thank you.”
Answer: I appreciate your question here about marriage and your intentions. It sounds like you are wanting to ensure that you are making the most ‘right’ decision for you and for your children. I would recommend a few things based upon the information you provided in your post.
I would suggest you marry when it is time, not due to making it look good or because it is convenient. As you know already, marriage is a lot of work especially if you are blending two families. The nature of the siblings and the dynamics of newly married life is a large mountain to climb. You have three children that need you and rely on you. I hear and understand your trepidation as you are needing to move from your current living situation. Providing for your kids physically is paramount, yet that being said marrying too soon or for the financial perks or to have it look ‘right’ may complicate it worse for you later if you are married and are in the a marriage you jumped into too soon. I recommend you follow your heart and spend more time dating and getting that relationship ironed out before making a commitment to him. The financial piece will work out, but may be really complicated. I’d suggest you both take the professional assessment called Relate, something I recommend to couples that are not married but want to flush out what is right for them and the relationship. I’d also recommend your continuing to pray and seek a confirmation. This was developed by therapists at BYU some time ago and has developed into its own institute.
You are in a difficult situation that is not an easy one. Keep supporting your children and continue the courtship. Post a comments post to this later and let me know how it turns out.
Question: “I got married after only knowing my wife for a month and a half. She is 20 and i am 23. I think i made a mistake. Its been almost a year and i love her, but i constantly have thoughts wanting to leave her and i miss being by myself. The reason we got married is because her parents were moving and we had strong feelings for each other so we married so she could stay. I feel trapped but i love her at the same time. Im very confused, depressed and plenty other mental issues that have not been diagnosed. I guess it goes deeper, but i want to keep it somewhat simple, mainly because i feel bad having these thoughts to begin with. What should i do? Thank you…”
Answer: Thanks for the inquiry. Your feelings are quite normal at that stage of your marriage. Many couples within the first year of marriage have thoughts of doubt and uncertainty as they battle and navigate the course of the couple relationship. You mentioned that you “constantly have thoughts wanting to leave her” and this is where you need some guidance and help. Having thoughts that you’d like to leave your spouse are not entirely normal as you mentioned they are “constant”. My question to you would be what fuels the thoughts? When do you feel like this, after disputes or most of the time? If your answer is generally or most of the time then you are best off sorting through what is behind the wanting to leave. You stated the reason you married her was so that she would not move away with her parents so you both could be married. Is that the only reason you married her? Think through the reasons, I would guess there could be many but potentially not, maybe you did marry sheerly out of being together more so she would not move. You mentioned you feel like you are trapped and that you feel you have mental issues. Have you considered meeting with a therapist? Does she know you want to leave the marriage? What are the mental issues, does your wife know about them? Are the mental issues related to fueling what is influencing your wanting to leave?
My counsel would be that you meet with a therapist soon. You mentioned mental issues in your post. I am not sure how you are defining that term, so I am guiding you to seek professional help. You married your wife and made a commitment to her. I think that you need to honor that commitment, and since you are struggling you need to get help. Sorting it out now will prove large dividends in future years should you choose to stick it out with her. You can in fact be married and have time to yourself. It is a balance though. You can be autonomous yet connected; in fact happy stable couples have their relationship and each also take time for themselves. Again, find a therapist or visit with me by phone. There is hope; you do need to sort through the issues behind your wanting to leave in order to then find that hope.
Tags: commitment, Marriage, newlywed
