Question: “Six months ago, my grandpa passed away. Right before the viewing, I found out from my mom that he was not temple worthy and would not be in his temple clothes. I asked why, and was told that he had sexually abused someone and did not go through the repentance process appropriately. It sounds as though he had sexually abused more than one individual. Also, I found out from my younger sister that my younger brother had sexually abused her when he was a teen over a time period of five years. She was also sexually abused by a boss when she became a young adult. Through my sister, I found out that my mom had told her that she had been sexually abused by her brother (our Uncle). My problem (other than the obviously distraught way I feel) is, my parents are unhappy that my sister has been in (LDS Fam. Serv.) counseling for over a year. They feel she will bring anything and everything to the therapist – which will, in a sense make her (in their minds) incapable of dealing with the normal challenges of life by herself. I just told my parents that I have also been going to counseling also (LDS Fam. Serv.), and I know about my sister’s plight (I have been with her every step of the way – unlike the rest of my family). So, now they are afraid for us both. I don’t care, but then I do. I want them to know that both my sister and I are not getting brainwashed or something! They mentioned that in the Jan. 2010 Ensign that in “Solving Emotional Problems in the Lord’s Own Way”, it states, “We seem to be developing an epidemic of counselitis which drains spiritual strength from the Church much like the common cold drains more strength out of humanity than any other disease. Speaking figuratively, many a bishop keeps on the corner of his desk a large stack of order forms for emotional relief. When someone comes with a problem, the bishop, unfortunately, without a question, passes them out, without stopping to think what he is doing to his people. I want to know what I could do to let them see that sexual abuse has lasting effects. That the way I’ve learned to handle things in life is wrong and there are better ways that will benefit myself and others. Do you have any suggestions as to what to say or show to them (from the Ensign perhaps) to calm their fears?”
Answer: My sense from your post is that there is a lot of shame in your family. You mother likely is bearing a lot based on her own trauma and history. It is clear that the nature of the sexual abuse and the history in your family is indicative of a system in which abuse occurs and secrets are kept. My guess at this point with the details you offered is that your mother bears a huge sense of shame around her own abuse and the subsequent abuse in your own family of origin, the family of creation from your mother. She likely is minimizing the abuse in her own mind by saying that you guys need to deal with it.
I have an ensign index I created of scores and scores of articles by topic on mental health issues. The ensign index is located at http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/ensign_articles.htm
The link for articles on sexual abuse is at http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/ensign_articles.htm#abuse
Hope these help. Stay strong in you journey.
Question: “Hello, I’m a typical teenage girl in my junior year of high school. While I’m not LDS, three of my best friends are, so I’ve had a lot of experience with the Church. With the three of them I have attended several sacrament meetings and various activities provided for the youth. One of the three friends, Jennifer, I’ve become especially close to this past year. Whenever she’s going through a rough patch or something with her other friends or family she’s allowed herself to open up and talk to me about her problems. This is a big deal for her because she usually bottles everything inside and doesn’t like talking to people about her emotions. Being the same way, I’m reluctant to tell her about problems. However, I feel horrible because when I refuse to tell her something she is very hurt because she was so open with me. This is understandable and I’ve been working on myself to try and be able to open up to others more easily. She understands that it’s hard for me but I think she believes that if she can do it than so can I. However, one thing that I’ve never told any of my friends or family is that I used to self-injure. It is something I’m ashamed of and can’t really bare to talk about. However, my previous psychologist told me of course that a step to recovery is to talk about it. I’ve been doing so well in recovery in every aspect except this. I haven’t been able to tell anyone about my past due to my own fears and insecurities. Now, Jennifer seems like a person in my life who is genuinely concerned about my problems and I want to let her in but that seems too far. However, I suppose I could eventually work myself up to tell her but my real concern is that she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Because of Jennifer’s upbringing and in addition her beliefs and involvement with the Church, she is extremely “conservative” so to speak. In health class the topic of self-injury came up casually and she expressed to me how repulsive she thought it was and how she couldn’t understand how anyone could do that to them self. So I’ve found myself between a rock and a hard place. Jennifer will become hurt when I don’t let her into my life but even more so, I don’t want to speak for her, but from what I know about her if I were to tell her about my self-injury I think it might be the end of the line to the point where she wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Right now I guess I’ve been pushing away because I’d much rather have her temporarily mad at me than to lose her as a friend because I’ve grown to value her so much in my life. Nonetheless, I realize that friendship is built upon reciprocation and that this is unhealthy. So I guess my question to you would be are there any specific views of the Church on self-injury (besides that the body is a temple and obviously God doesn’t want this for me) and just any advice in general on my situation. I’m struggling because I know friendship shouldn’t be this hard and I’m unsure what to do. Thanks in advance!”
