My Husband Is Leaving Me, Help!

Question: “I am too glad I have found your blog. I am currently going through a tough time, my husband filled for divorce a year and a half of marriage and as you imagine I am devastated. I have been trying to reason with him that feelings like being overwhelmed and learning how to adjust and be  married is normal in the first two years of marriage but I literally feel like I am talking to myself. All I hear from him is this is final, you need to accept it. He told me he lost his testimony and that he wants us to be happy but not with each other cause we were not meant to be together. I am really confused and angry at time since this was not the case when we decided to marry in the temple and we made commitments to each other, now that he is breaking. I am feeling guilty about my divorce, I feel that he is taking a easy way out of our marriage and I can not stand the thought of not giving my 100% on working and solving all that can be solved. We had arguments in the past, he is a very sensitive man and so am I but not as much as he is. He has dealt with depression in his childhood, entered MTC and had to get out due to depression and then gave it another try later or after therapy, struggled on the mission field but he came out of it victorious and loved every minute of it. I am scared he is feeling the same about our marriage too this time around, he just wants out and there is nothing I can do or say to make him want/ desire to work on our marriage. I feel overwhelmed with a lot of guilt and despair that I can not see myself getting out of this situation ever feeling like the same person again. We need to learn how to be married and how to manage our arguments/ differences. We had arguments that he never expressed how he felt about them, he would just leave it to that, I would say sorry it came down to a fight, and he would just say okay. Never actually talked about the issue, never told me what was that really bothered him, he just kept it all in till it came to a point where he picked up his stuff and left. I have been getting a lot of outside perspectives on the relationship, and it all comes down to him having a mental disability and that he was brought up by parents that would pay his bills. That does not give me comfort. I want to be married to this man because I love him and I chose to be with knowing how sensitive he is and wanting to be his eternal companion and lift each other up when we fall. But all he tells me it is that it is final. He is sad about the situation but he is just done. Now I am dealing with depression and I come off as very desperate when I try to talk to him, and that is probably making him step back even more. I just need some advice on how I can make him want to save our marriage even after constantly telling me we’re done. Is it possible to save my marriage??

Answer: It appears from your post that you are clearly worried about the nature of the marriage and the prospects for the future of it surviving. From your post I gathered a few key items. It appears the marriage has conflict and misunderstandings. This is normal! Most marriages especially in the first few months and into the first year to have more than normal misgivings and at times contentious bouts due to insecurity and the segue into the couple married relationship from singlehood. My concern for you at this point is not the development of the marriage but the nature of where you are at now in the marriage. Your husbands saying it is final is a firm stand. What does he mean by final? Has he moved out with his parents or on his own? When you mention he has a mental disability what disability are you referring too? I don’t have much history from your post but surmise that there is more than you could put on the post. His jumping up and saying he is out of the marriage has got to be fueled by things he is feeling at present or in past.

My guidance for you is to not beg him back, doing so will likely drive him farther away as he’ll likely see you as desperate and needy. You are a woman and deserve to be respected and you disrespect yourself in begging him home or the like. Instead, attempt to speak to him about why he wants to leave. When you do speak, don’t debate or justify; simply listen to him and hear him out. This will help you understand what is happening. It is clear that you and him need to get into some couples counseling to get a handle on if you are doing to divorce or not. I’d visit with him about going to counseling not to save the marriage but to sort out if it will last, if it will stand and if you both want in it. Yes, you’ve both made covenants but if he is already halfway out the door he is not worried about those so approaching him on a spiritual bases about what he has promised will likely hold little merit for him. Again, I’d instead lead him with you into couples counseling to figure out what you both want.

One Response to 'My Husband Is Leaving Me, Help!'

  1. Michelle says:

    Is your husband bipolar? My husbutand has bipolar disorder and he has left me several times. Our life has been chaotic to say the least. After he was fired for the 4th time He finally got his meds changed. He found good job and after moving us around the country,we move into a beautiful home and thought we could start reparring the damage. 3 weeks later he told me his jobs is most important. He is nothappy and he wants out ofthe marriage. I found out he is looking for a Russian Mail order bride. I was desparate for a week as I don’t want to move my children again. He told me to get out. NICE GUY. I know he has been planning this because he left my name off the lease. We were planning to buy this home and live here for the rest of our lives. But now he is throwing me out. I have no money. I run a small business that allows me tohave extra things. I am educated but will have to finish my master’s to make decent money. I feel used and washed upafter 20years. Iam a mormon but have not gone to church for several years. my advice is if this is how he is acting now. Don’t bring children into it and let him go find his perfect girl. Don’t put 20 years into it like I did and find out after 2 kids that he can’t stand you.