Newlywed – Confused About Marriage

Question: “I got married after only knowing my wife for a month and a half. She is 20 and i am 23. I think i made a mistake. Its been almost a year and i love her, but i constantly have thoughts wanting to leave her and i miss being by myself. The reason we got married is because her parents were moving and we had strong feelings for each other so we married so she could stay. I feel trapped but i love her at the same time. Im very confused, depressed and plenty other mental issues that have not been diagnosed. I guess it goes deeper, but i want to keep it somewhat simple, mainly because i feel bad having these thoughts to begin with. What should i do? Thank you…”

Answer: Thanks for the inquiry. Your feelings are quite normal at that stage of your marriage. Many couples within the first year of marriage have thoughts of doubt and uncertainty as they battle and navigate the course of the couple relationship. You mentioned that you “constantly have thoughts wanting to leave her” and this is where you need some guidance and help. Having thoughts that you’d like to leave your spouse are not entirely normal as you mentioned they are “constant”. My question to you would be what fuels the thoughts? When do you feel like this, after disputes or most of the time? If your answer is generally or most of the time then you are best off sorting through what is behind the wanting to leave. You stated the reason you married her was so that she would not move away with her parents so you both could be married. Is that the only reason you married her? Think through the reasons, I would guess there could be many but potentially not, maybe you did marry sheerly out of being together more so she would not move. You mentioned you feel like you are trapped and that you feel you have mental issues. Have you considered meeting with a therapist? Does she know you want to leave the marriage? What are the mental issues, does your wife know about them? Are the mental issues related to fueling what is influencing your wanting to leave?

My counsel would be that you meet with a therapist soon. You mentioned mental issues in your post. I am not sure how you are defining that term, so I am guiding you to seek professional help. You married your wife and made a commitment to her. I think that you need to honor that commitment, and since you are struggling you need to get help. Sorting it out now will prove large dividends in future years should you choose to stick it out with her. You can in fact be married and have time to yourself. It is a balance though. You can be autonomous yet connected; in fact happy stable couples have their relationship and each also take time for themselves. Again, find a therapist or visit with me by phone. There is hope; you do need to sort through the issues behind your wanting to leave in order to then find that hope.

One Response to 'Newlywed – Confused About Marriage'

  1. Dana says:

    My mother and father had a similar situation. My father married my mother due to pressure from her parents. He regretted it for the entire marriage of nearly 20 years. He constantly informed my mother that he should not have married her, plaguing her with issues of depression, self-doubt and loathing, etc.

    I, too, have been struggling with issues around my marriage. I married out of what I believe to have been desperation and misapprehension. Are we not all naive? I threw my list of requirements out the window for my spouse believing myself to be showing humility.

    I learned from the marriage of my parents, however, not to express undue ill-will towards my husband (ie. telling him I shouldn’t have married him and don’t really like him). I’ve come to believe that ANY marriage would inevitably have its drawbacks and trials. I’ve committed myself to this one. And my spouse of eight years finally seems to be coming around.

    Bottom line: Therapy, good. Telling your spouse she was a mistake, bad.

    Hope that helps!